My Dorm is on Fire?!

Studying has actually been kind of fun. I have spent more time outside my dorm looking productive than this whole year combined. Yesterday I didn't get back till 6pm, walking around campus, studying, looking at magazines, seeing old faces.

Today was pretty much the same, minus a small ove-sleeping setback. I didn't get up until 10am, ran over to the coffee place, bought my favorite cookie, and studied for the next 3 hours.

My mom called mid study and I stepped outside to talk to her. Of course as I turned around whose face did I see coming down the street. Oh yeah....Katherine.

So we haven't spoken since last Tuesday. She's sent some text messages, which have gone unanswered, I have deleted all her messages, and have even tempted myself to delete her phone number, the ultimate "it's over" move. She has corrupted another young girl to be her butt monkey, you might remember her; PLAIN J. She went with us on the trip but had just a "blah" personality it was hard to remember her. Of course she is great at chemistry, and guess who is taking chemistry this summer and sucks horribly at it. You guessed right, Katherine.

So I'm talking on the phone and I wave at her as I continue my conversation. She was waiting for me as if I was just going to hang up the phone, but I continued talking and when I was done I said hello. It was very awkward. She seemed pretty shocked to see me there, as if all I do is hide in this room. She kept saying that I looked really nice and that she was pleased to see that I was outside. She asked me if I was with anyone, and then apologized for not picking me up on Monday to take me swimming(she offered to take me swimming and then bailed).

I had pretty much come to the realization that she is a horrible person, so I made slight conversation seeming a little distracted and then mentioned that I had to go study. She sat downstairs with me, I guess expecting that i would talk with her, but I put on my headphones and went back to studying the Korean War.

Soon after Plain J came.

Now Plain J use to be a nice little hippie. But the other day I saw her walking down the street and she totally ignored me as if I had done something wrong. I was taken aback and a little upset about it. She did the same thing to me today, snuffing me and coldly walking upstairs as if I had done something major. I assume Katherine has made me to look like the villain concerning the whole trip ordeal. And once again it's the "she said, she said" thing. If you only get one side of the story you basically have to believe in the credibility of the person telling you the events. Of course my side of the story was more traumatizing, but I'm not there friends so they are going to believe her.

I feel I dealt with the situation as best as I could. I'm not as upset as I usually would have been. I don't know, yesterday I had this grand epiphany while sitting in my favorite corner for the last time this semester. It's an epiphany I have been skating around with but something I want to actually start applying to my life.

I'm so sick of being ashamed of who I am. I'm so sick of having all these people around me tell me who I am, or try to make me someone that I am not. I've been killing myself for years. I have been denying myself happiness for years. And for what? For whom?

I can't put it into words. But when I can I'll be sure to post it here. It was like realizing that I want to be okay with how I am. That I want to stop hurting myself emotionally by denying my own existence and self worth.

So I left the coffee shop soon after, though Katherine wanted to know how long I would be there so we could talk or whatever. And I walked around the campus again and I inserted myself into the world. Because that's what I need right now. Not for someone to remind me how beautiful it is to be alive and apart of the world, but for me to find solace in that.For me to find solace in who I am, even if that means ditching the bad seeds that come along the way.

Of course after this great "you totally snubbed her" high I was on, I came back to a dorm that was on fire. Oh it wasn't a huge fire. Someone decided to throw a cigarette out the window, which happened to land on a leaf or something, which started a small fire. Everyone was just standing around looking at the thing, and one person decided to get a long branch and poke it. Mid poke I decided to go back to the bookstore, where the noise of the fire truck roared past.

Could you imagine, a couple of weeks before demolition day and the dorm burns down. At least wait until we are gone.

Back to studying, minus a hour hiatus to watch America's Next Top Model.