Thanks Santa

So, um Christmas was amazing! Every year I have high hopes for a miracle or lifetime-isque close to the holidays and I am surprised and delighted by how I came to experiencing that this year. Last year i was such a mess and things were so blurry that I don't remember much of it. I felt alone and scared and depressed out of my mind. I was a mess. And looking back on this year, I'll admit, I didn't know how I was going to make it. Or what my life would look like on the other side of grief

 But I promised myself that the month of December wouldn't be this black cloud every year. That for a month of cheesy holiday music and movies, hopes and desires,  I'd miss my best friend but appreciate the years I had with her. Which also means being okay with the life i've created for myself now that she's gone.

And this month was fucking magical. It had it's terrible moments but for the most part it was magical. I put up some awesome christmas lights and spent my mornings sipping hot chocolate and reading great books

Heather and I baked cookies and brownies last Friday. It was better than i expected. While she has a tendency of getting on my nerves our night was filled with nostalgia and cookie dough. We talked about everything, laughed at the absurdity of the quarter life crisis and watched Doctor Phil. Because what else were we going to do.

We made enough cookies to split between us. Kat and I decided that this year we wanted to make gift boxes for our closest friends at work (5 people) and then personalize holiday cards for everyone else. On Saturday she came over my house and we lounged in pajama's, listened to dope christmas music and filled out 50 holiday cards for our co-workers attached with a Hershey kiss and hug! For the boxes we added the cookies Heather and I made, a mix cd, candy, and a personalized item for each person.

 It took us four hours! And by the end of the card signing and box stuffing we were cranky and tired but glad that we contributed to the holiday spirit. We exchanged gifts before she left and I got a motherfucking waffle maker!!!!! And some other dope gifts (the bag is from a suicide awareness orgazination. The pencil case is from Sherlock Holmes...and yeah, and I got a Buffy Necklace!!!!)

On Sunday....Sean finally bought my snowflake sheets. We worked the same shift that day and he said we could go after work to pick them out. Before we went shopping though he asked me if we could watch a movie at my house (snerks gerks!) just for a little while (it's a long story but i've never seen Pulp Fiction and our friend bought the movie for me to watch. I hadn't yet). While I would have said no just a few days ago, the realization that I wouldn't see him for a whole week got to me. So i said sure but that he couldn't laugh when he saw how girly it was.

We went to my house right after work and he stayed for over an hour! He sat in my pink butterfly chair while I camped out on the bed and we watched Pulp Fiction. He kept looking at my room and said he liked it. That it was me. It was sweet. During the movie he kept glancing at me and I'd say
what" and he would reply that he was just making sure I was paying attention.

We watched a good chunk of it before we realized it was late. I walked him to his car and we hugged out it. I thanked him for coming over and he said that he had a good time watching it with me.

Le sigh. I like him.

I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my aunt and cousins! We watched a ton of movies and drank eggnog. We went to sleep that night with snow falling. In the morning I made breakfast (pancakes, hash browns, cinnamon rolls and eggs) and I must say everything was pretty tasty. My aunt bought me an awesome pajama set and perfume and later that night we had ham and apple cider.

When I got home Sean left me a text wishing me a Merry Christmas and that he missed me. Kat thanked me for her gifts. And I opened some awesome gifts from my mom before falling into the best sleep ever.

This year has been really rough. I have more downs than ups if i can be honest, but the last few days have been splendid and lovely and I am happy. Incredibly and utterly happy.