Welp, Christmas sort of snuck up on me this year.
I don't know where my head is at these days. I feel like I just got back from Thanksgiving break. How in the hell is it Wednesday? How in the hell is Christmas less then a week away.
I woke up today in a near panic because I spent the night wrapping my moms gifts so that I could mail them this morning. But yesterday I had a holiday Christmas party at the law school, followed by a trip to the mall and target for last minute shopping, followed by actual work and then a meet up with Kat so we could fill out holiday cards for people at work. I got home around 7. Wrapped my mom's gift and checked the status of my online orders that have not come in yet and then passed out around 11.
I didn't wake up until 10am! And that was only because Kat's boot broke at work and she wanted to know if I had any she could borrow. I hurried off to the post office to mail my mom's gift, then to the store and literally gave her the shoes I was wearing (i had sneakers with me) and then scurried to the mall for a last minute purchase. I feel like I haven't had a moment of silence or clarity the last couple of weeks. And i am a little stressed.
It also doesn't help that every year, despite how old I get, I hold out for some Christmas miracle. My expectations are always so fucking high that by New Years I have cursed the year for it's awfulness and disappointment. But last Christmas I was such a fucking mess. I didn't want to celebrate the holiday at all. I don't remember what i did for Christmas to be honest. I think i went to my aunts house. I think I opened gifts. I remember being a piss poor guest though no one seemed to notice. I was a ghost.
I promised myself that i would try to enjoy myself this year. That i would evoke the spirit of Christmas passed and appreciate my time with family and friends. But Lifetimes movies and childhood have ruined me for life I want it to snow on Christmas. I want to be kissed under a mistletoe. I want amazing thoughtful gifts from friends. I want to feel lovely and special and that everything will be okay. I want a happy ending to this very interesting last year.
Instead, Kat and I have had no time to hang out because of holiday hours and conflicting schedules. We barely see each at work and texting has been our main form of communication (or rushed visits at work to say hi to her). This weekend we plan to exchange gifts (if hers comes in time) and then finish up last minute gift wrapping for friends.
A good friend from work has expressed interest in dating me. He came up to me a week ago and passively asked me what i would do if I was secretly in love with one of my best friends. Inside i rolled my eyes, because it is no secret that he likes me, and I told him i wouldn't know what'd i do though i have been in a similar situation before. He asked if this was a recent situation. I told him yes. He asked how the situation played out. I told him it didn't because I got tired of waiting for the guys feelings to catch up with mine.
I think he thought i was talking about him, so i quickly added that I'd make sure that the person liked me back before confessing anything. Needless to say the last few weeks have been awkward between us. I have a tendency of sending mixed signals. Around Sean I am mean and distant. I get angry at him quickly and am quick to find fault so i can judge because I am madly deeply in like with this asshole. With said friend, who i have no interest in dating, i am friendly and flirty. I play into his idea that we could be a couple. I'll hold his hand and say the stupidest things because I'm...not...madly...in....like with me. I don't know what is wrong with.
In the Sean department we are still...us. The other week we went to another wrestling party at our friends house. To say it was a disaster would be an understatement. Just thinking about it now makes me mad. In a nutshell, he was a sweat heart on the way to her house. We talked and laughed and danced to really loud music. We get to her house and he becomes an asshole. I am not into wrestling so I sat in the corner by myself watching the event but not saying much. So he chimes in that if i just planned on not participating at the party i shouldn't have come.
I sulked the rest of the night. Cried on the way home. When I saw him a week later at work I ignored him. But he wouldn't leave me alone so i told him that i was sick of the way we are. That something needs to get better between us because it's difficult being his friend (who he is mean too) and it's obvious that I'm not his girl (even though he have a non-sexual though intimate relationship). He apologized, said he'd try harder with me that I put a lot of pressure on him to be something he isn't (true). He asked what i wanted for Christmas. I told him, don't laugh, that I'd really like some bedsheets because I like decorating my room based on the season and that I'd hadn't bought winter themed bedsheets yet. He asked me if I was serious. I told him to forget it and that he didn't have to buy me anything. But he said if it's what i really wanted he would get it for me. But instead of going to the store and buying them for me he attempted to give me the cash for the sheets instead because buying them for me would 'take too much time".
I don't think this fucker will ever understand and i am constantly let down by my expectations and his lack of follow through.
Christmas is less then a week away and to be honest it hasn't felt very christmasy around here. I haven't had time to sit down and just watch a good Christmas movie on television or bake cupcakes. This Friday Heather and I (friend from new job) are baking cookies at her house. Then this weekend I hope to exchange gifts with Kat. I surprisingly have Christmas Eve off, which is a first! I'm going to sleep in and if the presents from my mom come in time I'll open them then. Naturally I am also holding out from some other campy Christmas miracles. Snow, a confession of love from Sean, an affordable apartment and a kitty named Jack. Fingers crossed, I guess but i won't hold my breath.
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