Playing House.

So I guess I've got some explaining to do.

Last week after Sandy came in went in my neighborhood I went back to Le Sad Store and was disappointed to hear that Sean had reached out to several people on the day of the storm to check in on them.

As usual I was not one of the people he called or texted because I am in that weird position where I am not his friend and not his girlfriend. For the last couple of months this has been a hardening reality as i attempt to befriend this boy because his relationship issue are too complicated for me to comprehend (he doesn't love his gf. but he doesn't want to break up with her because she is a nice girl) and wait around for him to pick me.

So instead i am working on being his friend. We joke around. Make plans to do things and generally like being around each other. We still flirt and cast glances and smirks but i am putting my crush in check because i'd rather lose him as a crush then then not having him in my life at all. And with this boy that seems to be the only two options.

He doesn't know how to stay in touch with people. I don't hear him talk about any friends outside of the ones he's made at work and when he does mention someone from high school or college it's always in past tense. "my best friend from' "this guy i once knew'. His social life consists of family, his gf and work friends and I, being me, am trying to become something different out of the three of these despite my reservations.

I am failing at this because i am still suspended in the crush/friend sway and it's becoming a little heart breaking being his crush because the possibility of 'us' is constantly dangled in front of me but he isn't making the moves and I have yet to reveal the extent of my feelings for him. But being his friend is hard also because i can't be a bro. I get uncomfortable when he talks about chicks or his gf. I don't watch the shows he watches or play the games he's interested in. I have nothing much to contribute because being a bro involves a penis which i (thankfully) lack.

And a huge issue, lately, is that he is only accessible to me AT work. He won't give me his phone number, we don't hang out alone, and during a freaking HURRICANE he checked in with everyone except me. Needless to say I was livid when I finally saw him last Friday. I couldn't understand why of all the people he checked in with, I was not one of them. So I ignored him for the first hour and when i finally talked to him I told him i was pissed at him because i was worried about him and he wasn't about me. He had no comforting words. He said he asked Kat how I was doing when he saw her at work a few days afterwards. That he just assumed I was okay and that he forgot until the last minute that he hadn't called. I rolled my eyes and complained later to my mom that he could have called me and asked how I was doing (once he remembered  instead of reaching out to my friend.

The boy is not bright. Or he's scared. Or he is just inconsiderate. Regardless it's just another Seans an asshole moments

After we made up and he apologized he told me that he's been without power since the storm and that his gf wouldn't let him come over to charge his phone and take a warm shower because she thought it was a bad idea. I held my tongue and  didn't tell him that i think his girlfriend is inconsiderate too. He said that the only good thing about the storm is that a cat displaced by the storm has been hanging out at his house and he's fallen in love. The cat is sweet and tiny (possibly underfed) and has half a tail. He is friendly though and seems to have found a friend in Sean. He of course had pictures and video of the kitty to show me and I said "this is why i want my own place, I really want a cat and a living room and a kitchen!'.

He followed my enthusiasm quickly with "so why don't we get a place together"

ASAYWHAT?! ASAYWHO? WITHMOI?

I laughed and told him he was being crazy but he got very serious and said "no, i'm serious. Why don't we just move in together. My dad is retiring soon and will be home all the time and I can't live with that man any longer. And we'd make really good roommates. Let's move in"

For some reason all my rational thoughts about what he was proposing flew out the window once i saw how serious he was and how excited he seemed at the prospect. I have a weird thing about where i live. I want to make any and every place i rest my head a comfortable, relaxing, oasis to live in. And during the course of this crush I have often thought of what it'd be like to live with Sean because I am a girl and it is what we do. But of course I never considered that the thought has crossed his mind too, even if it is in a non-romantic roommate way.

So i told him a secret i was not suppose to tell anyone.

A co-worker came to me a few weeks ago and asked me if Kat and I was still thinking about moving in together. I told him that we were mulling the idea around but were not actively looking yet. He said that a friend of his who lives in a sweet two bedroom apartment near my house might be moving soon and that if we were still interested he would keep us informed. Not only does this place have 2 bedrooms but it is cheeeeeeap! I pay $200 less right now and all i have to show for is a mini fridge and an extra bed in my room. This apartment is a gem and a rarity in my neighborhood. If is does become available I want to grab it and move in and never leave but Kat's boyfriend wants her to move in with him and I can't pay that rent  by myself soooooo....

I told Sean about the apartment and he said "let's do this. I'm serious. Lets move in together, the moment it becomes available. Please, it'll be awesome". And like a dumb stupid fucking girl I told him 'we should...roomie!'

What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell is wrong with me. I can't move in with this boy (the apartment wouldn't be available til spring anyway, but still). It is the worst idea ever. One, he has a gf. I don't want to create lovenest for them to chill at. Two, i like him. Living with him would drive me crazy because a) i'll either   hate living with him or b) we'll be playing house together in domestic bliss while he just so happens to have a gf. But the last couple of days have been awesome between us because he is treating me like someone who matters in his life.

He spent the afternoon looking at pictures of furniture we would buy to decorate our 'home'. We've created house rules and decided we definitely want to get a cat that he'll let me name (but who will have to share sleeping arrangements with). And while I will at some point have to break it to this boy that us living together is not going to happen as long as he has a girlfriend or as long as we kept playing this stupid game of 'i think i like you. do you like me" it has been nice seeing his excitement over this possibility.

I keep unrealistically thinking that this is how i'll be accessible to him. We'll be roomies, we'll be housemates. He said he'd cook as long as I was okay doing the dishes. We'd get to go grocery shopping together. And at the end of the night, if we closed together at the store, we'd get to leave together and go home. And it's that stupid part of me that has made it impossible to tell him that this isn't going to work.

That I can't live with him not knowing what we are or if we are ever going to be something. I can't create a home for us just so he can bring his gf over and cuddle with or worse to bring other girls over should he decide to break up with her. In my fantasies of living with him it has been because we are dating and it's convenient to live with someone you plan on being with for a while and because we really really want to have a life outside of work together. And because that is not the case, I continue to play into the fantasy of us rooming together despite the constant reality of it smacking me in the face.

I don't know how to get out of this situation. I just hope i figure it out before spring.