Disappointment Alley.

My trip home to thanksgiving this year was okay. I'm not going to say it wasn't a little weird but the complete fucking break down i expected to happen did not occur. The moment i got off the train though, i must admit, i was counting down to my return to New York. I spent the better part of my trip sleeping, watching season one of Homeland and talking to my brother.

Before I left I promised Kat that I would ask my brother relationship related questions. As a serial dater and womanizer there is no one better to go to about what is going through a guys head than my brother. He tells it like it is and has absolutely no filter. Of course as soon as I got home my brother and I had a three hour conversation about Sean and my feelings and what the hell I am suppose to do with this boy.

 Immediately he told me that Sean is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He is setting me up to be the rebound chick should his girlfriend and him ever take a break. The truth is the last year i have been his 'puppy' I've willing down stuff for him and embarrassed myself because i thought he'd choose me. But a guy who: leaves you in a closet, asks you to get dog food for his girlfriend, abandons you multiple times and shows you semi naked pictures of his gf is immature and not sure what he wants. What he is sure of is that Sean has set me up to be a girl in wait for him if or when  things fall apart. If they do, I'll be a quick replacement. Though not temporary. If they don't, the only person who'll get hurt is me.

Oh and moving in with Sean would be a fucking mistake. Like a huge, worst idea in the history of the universe, mistake. "There is no girl I know who will let her boyfriend room with a single attractive female. Especially if they've been dating for 5 years! He isn't telling  you something about this roommate arrangement. Which means it will end up badly"

Sometimes i need a come to my senses talk to well come to my senses. And my brother sort of solidified how irrational, time consuming and wasteful this crush is. But my amplified feelings for Sean has a lot to do with my grief. A part of me needed a distraction and this boy filled that position well. I've spent the whole year trying to distance myself from the girl I was before Marie died. And an aspect of that girl didn't get attention from guys, was never the object of anyone affection and or desire. And with Sean it just sort of came naturally. We fell into this cat and mouse flirtation. And it worked for a while.

But now I want more. Not necessarily from him but just from romantic relationships in general. I don't want to wait around for this boy to catch up with my feelings So I  get back into town after a few days with my family and tell myself that I am going to tell Sean that I can't move in with him. That its not that the thought has never crossed my mind but my feelings for him aren't roommate compatible. Of course upon seeing him I forget all of that. He asks how my trip home was, i asked him about thanksgiving. We talked about the prospects of living together and i told him it was a possibility as long as we established boundaries.

My boundaries, in an attempt to convince him that living together is not a good idea, is that i refuse to be a third wheel. If he and his gf are considering in the near future ever moving in together I don't want our place to be a template for it. Respect my space. Respect that i'll be paying half the rent and I don't want to come home and see her. He shrugged and said that wouldn't be a problem.

His boundary: when we share a bed....no touching below the belt.

Is this kid serious. I rolled my eyes and tried to explain that as roommates there would be no bed sharing. Because roommates don't do that. Couples do that. And we're not a couple.

Asshole.

It's get worse. Later that night Sean and two other 'good friends' decided that after work they want to hang out and play video games. It was a spur of the moment thing but something i would have enjoyed being invited too. Especially because of of the people going was the Linda who always throws the wrestling parties. Plus it was my day back from vacation so spending some time with friends would have been nice. Not only was i not invited but they intentionally went the whole night trying to hide these plans from me. I only found out because Linda came up to me and said Sean had asked her (it's completely, utterly, non threatening and platonic between them) to come along and that she found it weird that she was invited .

I of course stared at her and fumed. I wasn't invited. I'm close to Sean. I like video games. What the hell. He spent the rest of the night avoiding me and when he finally did talk to me he asked me if i was walking home (he usually offers to drive me. He didn't that night). I told him I guess so because I heard he had plans.

 He replied: Yea. It's cool that you're walking. Be safe.

Are you fucking kidding me. On the way out the door. Sean kept trying to rush Linda because he didn't know that I knew that they were heading over to our friends house to hang out. I ended up walking home at midnight bawling my eyes out.

Why am i putting myself through this. Why is it so hard to unlike someone. Despite all the shitty things he has done to me I continue to care about him. I've spent the last couple of days placing blame on Linda for not asking why i couldn't go. For our friend whose house they were invited to to play games at. But mainly at Sean because not only does he not like me the way i like him, not only is he setting me up for heartbreak. But he's not a good friend. He doesn't care about my feelings. I am not someone he considers.

Linda is throwing another wrestling/Christmas party next Sunday and while I am not sure now if i want to go (because my exclusion from Saturday stings like a bitch) I still want to get everyone going a gift (the three of them from Saturday fiasco and our friend John). Sean hates gifts. No one ever gets him things that he likes. He'd rather get money so he can purchase whatever he wants. But i don't give money as gifts. I think it's impersonal. So instead I had a really cute idea. Despite the fact that we are never ever ever going to be roommates, I wanted to get him a key ring and draft a roommate contract.

The roommate contract would explain my excitement over the idea of us living together but reinforce the impracticality of it. I'd confess my concerns and offer a small glimpse into why it wouldn't work. I'd also admit why i wish it would work. The key ring, would for me, symbolize that I hope he finds the 'roommate' he is 'looking for' to share a 'home' with cause it's a commitment. A commitment both should be invested in. This gift will totally go over his head but what the hell I can't go another year being obsessed with this boy. I'm over it.

So the last couple of days, despite being pissed about Saturday and not being able to ask him about it (we rarely work together) I still looked online for his gift. I thought about getting a Thor key chain, cause he likes Thor. I thought about getting him an iron man one because he was so excited about the trailer. I even thought about finding a scorpion key chain because he likes Drive and wants to bulk up like Ryan Gosling. And then, out of the blue, i remembered this very obscure character from a comic he brought up ages ago. He's not terribly popular but during our break once when we were reading together he was reading this comic. So i purchase the key chain even though I'm not sure if this is the character he likes.

When i get to work next day I ask my friend in the music department (and fellow comic book nerd) if Sean is interested in any particular comic series. The first name that comes out of his mouth is the name of the character i purchased the night before. When i walked away I was filled with a weird empty feeling. I know all about this boy, I wanted to be apart of this boys life so much that I took note of his likes and dislikes. His mannerisms and quirks. He cut his finger a couple of weeks ago and waved the bloody mess in my face to show me the damage. Without even thinking I grabbed his hand and marched him over to the sink in the break room  I grabbed the alcohol rub and the band-aids and without a second thought started cleaning up his hand.

He flinched underneath my touch and then asked why i was doing this. I looked up at him suddenly and realized that I had no idea I'd even taken his hand to clean up. It was instinct. I wanted to make him better cause it would make me feel....something. I pushed his hand away and handed him the band-aid and told him i didn't know why i was cleaning him up. And then I walked away. But this is the basis of our relationship, me standing around to pick up the pieces and him not even considering me.

I don't new years resolution, but my goal is to be apart of a healthy two one relationship in the near future with a boy who available and attentive of my feelings.