Stay the Same

It's weird how quickly things can go from marginally okay to a complete and utter shit show. I am simply amazed by this swiftness. Thanks life. Thanks a lot.

The last few days/weeks/months have been okay. I wouldn't go so for as to say they were great but okay suffices. Post Chicago vacation was filled with a lot of loneliness and contemplation. I liked being new in Chicago and returning to my life here where everything reminds me of the small failures was tough. 

I wanted to quit Le Sad Store as soon as I got back from vacation but the extra money helps and after the disaster that was my last interview I couldn't risk living off of a part time paycheck. So I am still there though only 2 or 3 times a week. Even still the shifts are excruciating. There use to be a time when I loved going to the store, now I can't even stomach my four hour shifts which i spend mostly sulking in the aisle. 

Then Sean's birthday rick-rolled around and what i haven't told anyone is that despite the two months of radio silence (absolutely no contact) since I emailed him and his father, i sent him a birthday card and have been waiting patiently for some recognition of my kind gesture. The radio silence is hard i'm not going to lie. I don't miss fighting with Sean. I don't miss feeling insignificant. I don't miss wondering what our relationship was. I don't miss any of that. 

But i do miss what i wanted from us and it's hard to stop missing him during those moments of loneliness. You realize that choices, whether they are yours or someone else's, have a ripple effect. Him joining the Navy, getting engaged, being deployed has all but excluded me from his life. Or rather the life i wanted to build with him. As I struggle often with simple day to day stuff: remembering to take my stupid vitamins, gathering groceries, planning weekend activities, trying to get a full time job, I often wonder if they'd be easier with him around. It's stupid i know but i am not above admitting this to myself. 

I am someone who wants to divvy up the responsibility for once. I am independent. I am resourceful. I am clever. But shouldering everything alone is starting to wear thin. It's wearing thin. And there is a part of me that is angry at Sean for giving me a false sense that he was a person who could take some of the weight off. I thought he was Relief but then he abandoned me.

Regardless, I sent him a birthday card weeks before I went to Chicago because I knew it could take weeks to get to him. I wanted him to have something as I expected he'd get nothing from his girl or family. The day his birthday rolled around I knew the card hadn't reached him but i didn't send him an email or post facebook well wishes. I refused to do so. A few weeks after  his birthday I got a notification from the post office that he'd received his card and I, stupidly, was expecting him to thank me for thinking of  him despite everything. He hasn't. Not a two word thank you email. Nada. Nothing. I regret sending it. I regret the words i wrote. I regret the sentiment behind it all. Most of all, I regret still expecting him to be the relief, after everything. 

Outside of Sean and Le Sad store, the job on the university has been going great except for the problems arising with the guy I work with. I knew this guy from Le Sad Store and he is uber nice and cool. About a year ago he quit the bookstore because he was having issues with a manager and was in desperate need for a job. Despite Kat warning me that he could be a lazy worker I got him in touch with my boss who hired him soon after. Now, it's just the two of us in the office. He works the morning shift and I work the afternoon one. We only see each other for about 15 minutes a day but of course we are friendly because we are friends. I think this kid is awesome and talented and smart. Every weekend a group of us from Le Sad Store grab food and gossip, He is always invited because he is well liked by everyone. But as an employee he is so lazy it is starting to effect his work. 

He's messed up a few jobs this summer that I have had to re-do and I keep getting complaints from professors and administrators about his lack of attention to detail. Recently I have been getting an influx of jobs in the afternoon because people don't want him to do their print jobs. I usually get out of work around 6 now because of the demand for me to print things. I don't mind the work. I like having everyone's trust but Alex and I are getting paid the same amount for work he isn't doing. Plus he sometimes picks up extra shifts on our other campus because he has a car and can get there. So in fact he may be getting more money despite the lackluster work he does on our campus. 

It's very frustrating and recently he came to me because he can't work Mondays and wants me to work his shift. Which i don't mind. He offered to take one of my shifts to make up for the one he will lose but in doing so i realized that I may end up losing a lot of hours because of this. And I can't lose anymore money. 

So this has been my life for the last month or so. I am managing. And it hasn't all been bad. The end of summer was pleasant and cool. I have the weekends off now and spend it with Kat at parks and museums or with my Aunt in the city. I am taking a literature class and am so happy about reading and writing papers again. I changed up my look recently, opting to get hair extensions, and feel and look like a brand new me with a new bob that is the color of an autumn leaf. I may have a potential office crush as well. His name is Dan. He has tattoos. He really like burritos. We've only talked about burritos but he's super cute. And he's tatted!

I am managing. Despite all the changes. I am managing. But the newest change has me anxious as fuck. Since leaving my aunts apartment, I've been renting a room in a really nice house in my area. It's a sweet gig. Sort of a dorm room like living situation but great because i have a lot of privacy. My landlady and her daughter are nice and friendly but keep to themselves. The house cat has pretty much adopted me and I am close to both jobs. I've been there for 3 years and have never had a problem. 

Saturday Kat came by to pick me up so we could head to a booksale nearby. As soon as I get to the door, my landlady comes rushing out of her room asking if she can talk to me for a moment. Of course I am a little anxious because she looked so serious. Apologetically she tells me she has to sell the house we are all living in because she is having a problem with the man who owns it. The house is old and needs a lot of repairs that she cannot afford and she has decided to move into an apartment in Connecticut with her daughter. 

I almost cried. If i didn't have such an aversion to crying in front of people I would have bawled. I've been wanting to move out for a while. I am not going to lie. At 28 I want my own space. Living at my current place has been awesome except for the fact that it isn't my house. I've had people over, mainly Sean, but it's always been a tad bit uncomfortable. I have access to the kitchen and laundry room but I feel comfortable in my room (which has a mini fridge and microwave) that I barely leave my room when i'm there. 

Eventually I want my own place, even if it's just a studio, I want to come home to my own little oasis, throw my pants on the floor and dance freely. But realistically i can't afford that now. Realistically i can afford being a person in a spare room. And now that everything around me seems to be changing, I guess i was counting on my home life to stay the same. I needed it to. So i have not been taking the news well not even because i am terribly attached to where i live. 

I hate having to look for a place. I hate the idea of having to adjust to someplace new and if roommates are involved, someone new. I hate the process of packing and moving. Of deciding what stays and what go's.  I go on auto-pilot when tasks are in front of me. Soon after the news i went the bookstore with Kat and searched for places online while i browsed books. When i got home I immediately started throwing stuff out and packing. I do not have time to focus on the emotional aspects of what is going on. I need a place to live and the urgency brings out my industrious nature.

However the moments when my brain isn't frenzied over packing and scheduling appointments I am sad and anxious about where I am going to live and how i will adjust. I am freaked out by another change that could not wait until I was ready. I am tired of everything lately and wish that things would just stay as the are, stay the same, until i can catch my breath.