My Great Expectations.

I have spent the last 8 or so hours at Kays house.

I hate that I have so much to say about the whole ordeal, but yet stupid blogger will not let me see my blog, so I almost don't want to write it.

Tonight I was vunerable.

I don't know how I feel about that.

You ever regret saying something after it slips out of your mouth, like you have just revealed something about yourself that makes you...Normal for once.

Amy and Kristen(? I can't remember that girls name to save my life) tagged along. To bond after our first horrible bonding attempt.

I've learned that you don't have to like everyone. And even though they are two nice girls, I just don't connect them. Our conversations seemed forced, and they just some eager to be friends with everyone they have no strong connections with anyone.

I think they look at me and see my playing hide and go seek with the kids, and basically run down by three people younger than me I feel my job isn't to baby someone else's kid. So while Amy or Christie/Kristen/Kirsten dictate what is nice and what is wrong. Using adult voice to set them straight. I run amuck. Indulging in their ability to still dream. To still believe in a make believe. And if I have to play Fantastic Four for the 4th time to do so, then I will.

Tonight was so much different. I felt like the blog me perfectly aligned with the Me me. I'm not saying that I'm not the person who writes these words. I am fragile, and confused, and hopefully a little wise. But I am so awkward in social situations, I'm still frightened of not being liked, that I pull away so people have an excuse to keep at bay.

But I the last 3 hours I spent talking with her older son. And I was quite embarrassed about how frank I was about my social inabilities. Which isn't weird that I would be frank with him because I usually get along well with people I see as harmless.

He was said that what I was saying made me seem so "normal and yet still so awkward". And then he laughed, not to make me feel bad, but because it was such a paradox. I am such a paradox.

I guess there comes a point in life, especially in mine, where I am just so sick of having to make an excuse for myself. Of why I am the sad, anti-social, quiet girl. There comes a time when you are just so ready to be accepted not by peers, but by yourself. When you get so tired of having to defend.

This was night was different, hopefully this life will get different, because I didn't storm in my room and cry for being misunderstood, as was for once happy that I am happy with who I am, and where I come from.

I've just figured out from Great Expectations and from being home, that my "depression" these long years have resulted from me being ashamed. Not by my own doing, but by these standards I haven't been able to fit. And that shame than turned to guilt, which made me keep people away. My teacher says guilt can be forgiven, once you recognize it. Well then I'm sorry because for so long my guilt has prevented from seeing that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I deserve better than my guilt to lead to regrets. I deserve better.