"It's good to be home"...

...Kinda.

I had an amazing time in Westchester. For 6 days i was the happiest i have ever been. It's weird to go back, and remember things i did as a child. I mean it's not even the big things that come flooding back. I remember waking up and running downstairs to sit on this porch and watch the neighborhood come to life. It seems so different now. Smaller. Devoid of the vibrant atmosphere we injected to it. There was never a white picket fence. But i realize i would move back in heart beat. It's getting harder and harder to leave to leave the place. I became immensly sad taking off, realizing that everything i have even wanted to feel pretty, smart, funny is all wrapped up in this place. I felt like Andrew Largeman leaving. But i didn't get off the plane to great Natalie Portman. I didn't take a chance of staying in pure bliss.

Instead i return here. I suddenly came to the realization while i was at home, that i'm not this weird, unable to make friends person. I have a lot of life in me, i have a lot to share with people, but i just been in a place for the past couple of years that has sucked it out of me. When trying to explain this to my mom i was like "this place has stunted us". I think that is the feeling. Going back to my Aunt's house where she has a new baby, my cousin is now a 6'1 15 year old, my old neighborhood friend Jason is 6'3 and wonders all the time what happened to us, i realize how left behind we have become.

I hate that feeling. I wanted to stay and be apart of the life i had left behind. Some where i keet forgetting that i am 20 years old. That i can make my own decisions, that i can take my life in my hands and create for it all that it could be.

You forget how awesome it feels to be happy, that you just want to maintain that feeling until the day you die. I know i want my life to be filled with all that makes me happy. Which at this point would be good friends, and good family life, and really to move from the dump.

I have so much more to say, but i got a terrible flu like cold. It was probably from boggs(who decided to slobber all over me in White Plains). i can barely hear, my head hurts, and i am doped up on medicine. Luckily i have the first season of Poltergist to watch while i lay in bed.

More to come after my nap. I have class tomorrow. Damn. I feel like we need another week or two.

Oh...and the iPod is amazing.