Consistently Average.

This week(technically classes for summer end on a Thursday instead of a friday) has been filled with tests,exams, fire alarms being pulled, and finding out that i have less than 3 weeks to apply to take classes at a University near home that i was not planning to take(damn tech school starts classes for summer session today, which is kind of stupid). It has now come to the end of the week, and i am just exhausted. Summer session flies by so fast, that before you now it the end of June will be here, and the whole process will begin again. I guess i just need time for my body to catch up to the rate my mind has been moving.

Katherine is no longer taking Chem. Go figure.

I predicted this before i can to summer school, that she would find some way to get out of doing something hard. At this rate she will either graduate when she is 60, and become a "legit" doctor in her mid 70's. Or she will realize that she will just have to go marry a doctor and be content with that. It sounds a little harsh, but when you talk to her she is always "i have a 4.0 GPA" not telling the person that she has only taken english,music, and women classes.

She dropped out of math last semester, so i wasn't really surprised when i didn't see her on Monday for class, or Tuesday. She later came into lab to tell me that she is taking the lab, but can't take the lecture portion(including taking the tests) because of time conflicts. You know because she has kids and all. One of which is old enough to babysit for 2 hours while she is in class, did i mention the husband that is there, or even a babysitter. Just saying. Seems kind of weird to me to all of a sudden worry about conflicts with time right before a big test on wednesday.

Nevertheless i am free of her pathetic anticts, only seeing her briefly before lab, and when she offers me a ride to the gym which I accept. Because it is hot.

Chem is going alright. I am at least passing all the tests, but i feel like i can do so much better. I feel like the info is all in my brain and the moment i have to prove i understand the material, it goes right out the window. I call it being consistently average, and have of course manage to relate it to my current state of blah.

In all retrospect i have been flying clear of the deepening edge of despair and confusion for the most part. I feel a little brave about the future from time to time. I even feel like one day i am going to cross paths with happiness and continue only up from there. But there are those times when i fear that maybe this is as good as it'll get. Like the title of the movie that Jack Nicholson was in.

I know things are looking up, or at least i have an ounce of faith that it will get better. But there are days when i can't help but feel like THIS IS IT. Maybe i'm suppose to just be on the outskirts, maybe i'm just a loner, maybe i should just accept fate.

Of course throwing in the towel is always easier than finishing the fight, and the only reason i keep my hopes up that things will get better is because i see so much potential in myself, i see that i can accomplish anything with a little push towards what i want. I figure that for those who do like me(Marie and my Mom) they see something in me, which keeps them believing that i continue on to greater things. I just have to stop myself from just wanting to throw in the towel.

I don't want to linger in the consistently average pool. I cant sit here and believe that i was meant to be just be apart of the fixtures. I want and need something more than this. I want and need to be finally be happy or at least pleasantly content with the way things can and will be. I want apart of the world.

I never realize how hard that would be.

I'm tired and need to take a nap, of course those damn boys(whose last day is tomorrow) are having some weird party, loudness outside. I can't wait til they leave.

Nap time.