Snowzilla

I survived the blizzard, though i must admit my home bound weekend watching HGTV and eating soup under the warmth of blankets and pillows was not unlike my usual winter weekend shenanigans if i can be honest.

Because of my car situation, I am glad there hasn't been much snow this winter. So i wasn't particularly thrilled with sweating on Christmas Day because it was 70 degrees outside but I thankful that I have yet to face commuting from this job to my apartment on a wintry snowy day. My boss is still super sketchy about me taking any time off and I am under the impression that he holds my attendance to a much higher standard than everyone else in the office. Or I'm just paranoid as hell and afraid of taking a day off unless I absolutely have to. I called out once a few months ago because my mom was in town and I wanted to go with her to the airport to wish her goodbye. I got a frantic email from my boss saying that he needed me in the office and would pay for the uber cab from Manhattan to our office if it ensured I was there on time. He's a strange guy.

While, I have not necessarily missed winter, I was super excited about the blizzard this weekend...mainly because it was on the weekend which allowed me to enjoy a  proper snowstorm in the safety of my home without feeling guilty about avoiding responsibilities. It was a win-win situation.

The snow didn't start until Saturday morning, so Kat and I resumed our weekly activities of food shopping and watching tv at my house. The supermarket was a mad house of course and our trip was very short lived because a fight or two may have broken out over shopping carts and celery. I wish I was kidding. Needless to say, we purchased whatever food we needed and left in a hurry.

I know I've been super hard on Kat these last few weeks and I am trying not to let the consistency of our relationship bug me. Maybe, consistency is not the right word because it is definitely not something I would ever tire of. I love that she is the most loyal dedicated person I have ever met. She is constantly in touch and checking in and making sure that I don't get lost in my own head. But i guess I worry about my own tiredness with routine. I worry about us running out of things to talk about or do because we've known each other for so long.

Outside of Marie and Heather, Kat is my longest living friend which in and of itself is a weird thing to write. Perhaps my discomfort and distance these last few weeks has more to do with my fear of loss. We've been friends for a super long time and to be honest I am so used to her being around, I am so dependent on her companionship that I am aware of how devastated I would be if I lost it or her. My natural response to this fear is to push her away, isolate myself, convince myself that i need to be less close to her instead of admitting that I just don't want her to tire of me, I just don't want her to leave and worse.

Stupid, silly fears. I wish i could shake them.

Anyway, I am trying to be a better friend. I am trying to learn how to settle into something or one for the long run because this is not something I am used to doing. So on Friday, the night before the storm, we had a pretty chill hangout. We ate salads, watched The Affair on showtimes, discussed our work week and gossiped. She admitted that she really looks forward to our Friday nights and maybe secretly I do as well, even though I often want to rebel and do other things.

I spent the whole weekend safely inside my house during the blizzard. After Kat went home on Friday, I hunkered down in preparation for the storm: which honestly involved me building a pillow fort. Having weekends off are the flipping best and I can't lie, I had no qualms about staying put. I made corn chowder in the crock pot, utilized my amazon prime subscription and watched some crappy movies. I napped, cleaned, danced and gave an hourly photo update of the storm to my mom. It was complete and utter bliss, made only more spectacular but the beautiful crisp snow outside my window (that of course is now disgusting grey slush).

Kat has been bugging me about my birthday and how I want to celebrate it this year and she gave me the task of coming up with birthday ideas during the blizzard. I am generally not a person who frets about getting older but I must admit there is something gnawing at me about the big 3-0.I feel both incredibly old and yet also very  unfinished. I can deduct huge chunk of years away from my current age with a full memory of who and where I was, yet I can't imagine that same chunk of time to be added to how old I am now. I have no idea who i'll be, where i'll be or if happiness is what i'll finally found.

Because of my current existential crisis surrounding 30, i have not put much thought into my actual birthday. A part of me wants to go home and visit my mom, brother and nephew. My nephew is now 5 years old, he is adorable and sweet and kind. When I was home for Thanksgiving, he went to the kitchen grabbed himself two juice boxes and offered me one because 'i was pretty and nice'. I want to know this kid and see him continue to grow and I wish I could spend a few days in march celebrating with him and the rest of my family.

With work and life, taking time off is damn near impossible at the moment, and I spent the weekend not coming up with any ideas on how to spend my birthday in New York. Kat suggested we see an off Broadway show starring one of my favorite actors and hitting up this place called the Meatball Shop which has sort of become a tradition. Naturally because I love this actor so much I agreed (followed by squealing and on-line shopping) and we have tickets to see this show the weekend of my birthday. I am also thinking of taking the day of and after my birthday off from work because...ew, who goes to work on their birthday.

For whatever it's worth, for however devastating and drag out hard it was, I am proud of my 20's and also equally ready to continue on the trend of good energy and growth well into my 30's. I just hope I continue to look as young as I do for a while, it's like the only thing saving me from having a complete 'how they fuck am i turning 30' freak out.