Identity vs. Role Confusion.

"We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting, sometimes we leave a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space. "
George Lass.

Okay, I had to write this thought down before totally forgetting it, and retreating to play the SIMS.

The concept of when one door closes another door opens is complete bull.

People usually use that little phrase when something has not gone their way. A Job potential goes flat, a school you wanted to get into rejects you, or just when you are in the pits of life and need some reassurance that it will all get better.

Complete Hogwash.

Lately I have been feeling an empty space. I don't know like I have lost something, and have no idea what it is.

So I'm relating this overwhelming feeling with he whole door theory, it is like trying to say that the life is brighter on the other side. The grass is greener, the people are prettier, and the houses are big and even has an indoor pool compared to what you have.

I have never been one for change. I took a donut test, which basically(you can check out the results on my other blog. I usually just rant about movies,shows,music, and cute boys) reminded me of my personality. I don't like change, which is weird because my life has basically been full of change. Change of town, friends, lifestyle. I have always been one to adapt. I always been the one to leave things unfinished, and only realized once they were gone that I wanted and needed them more than ever to feel balanced.

embarrassing tale: When I moved from New Rochelle Nicholas and I basically hated each other. Pretty much hated each other. He became like a totally different person, and I couldn't adapt to it. I wanted the old Nicholas back, I wanted the person who admitted his same love of 80's music and Grease trivia to be there. I didn't want this new person who was standing before me. I wanted him.

So when I moved I wrote him a note and told me friend to give it to him. When I called her to see how things went, she said he wouldn't even read it. Pushed her away, and from that point on they discontinued their friendship.

I think about that note a lot. All the embarrassing things and feelings I had admitted to him, mainly telling him that I liked who he was, the way things were. I liked that he did stupid things to make me laugh, and didn't mind eating my leftovers at lunch, and stupid crap like that. And that I didn't like that he had evolved into this person whose life I didn't fit into anymore. That in a way he was growing distant while I wanted to remain at the constant, simplicity of who we were, as friends or otherwise.

Maybe that's why I have this big thing with fear of change. Because in my mind, the grass is not always greener. I have spent my whole life believing that what I have now isn't good enough, and that across the point of no return is where I'll find my peace.

This to me is the definition or tension with Identity vs. Role Confusion. To me it is like saying goodbye to what has been comfortable. And embracing life that seems so...Full of doors.

I saw Mike the other day. We have no classes together this semester, and it was like the first time I had seen him since Dec(even though I had a weird makeout dream with him. EWW). My normal routine of seeing him, going to get something to eat, getting pissed, and then storming away mad, has basically ended. We had a pretty decent conversation when we saw each other, we were excited to see each other, he walked me to the bookstore, and then I walked him to class. We laughed, talked about Martha Stewart Eyes, and when we said goodbye, I think, well I know I felt as if their was this shift in our relationship.

From being completely pissed at him most of last semester, to wanting to go and have lunch with him. To kind of say "man I miss being your friend". And I don't know what stops me from admitting how much a role a person plays in my life.

that's why the identity vs. Role Confusion seems to be taking me for a loop. It's not how I fit into the world, it's how I choose to let the world fit into my life.

It's like a lightbulb went off. I have always had my identity associated with someone else's. I was Marie's sidekick in highschool, I am my mom's good, smart daughter, I am my brothers brainy sister, I am dad's little girl. I am someone's cousin who looks up to me, friend who patronized me, the crusher to boys who don't notice me. I have always been this part of their life, identified by them. Been a story in their life.

And being here, on my own, Marie barely calling, my mom and i still struggling with the "i kind of have to clip the cord" dilema, my brother being such an idiot i bet he doesn't even remember his name. I seem a little lost. Not so much identity-less, just blah.

I float alone. Like that note, so many years lost. Being shut out by one door, expecting the other one to be brighter when it opens. But for once, I would like the pieces to fall into my lap. To be defined solely by me.

To be in charge of what doors I open, and which one's I close.

To stop being defined by others, and realize that it's time that life adapts to me. Because you know what the grass isn't always greener on this side, but it's good enough for me.

Take that Writers Block.

*Postscript* Hope you all have a good weekend. I just forgot that after my mom pissed off the AOL people by trying unsuccessfully to avoid updating our account, i will be internet-less for the whole weekend. Don't know how i will survive. If all goes well, i will get less Harry Potter looking glasses, clothes that won't attract the homeless, and get rid of the bed hair look(it works for Gavin, it doesn't work for me. well sometimes, but not this week). If all goes differently, well it will be documented as always.

Next Weekend, i some how managed to get sucked into going to a trip out of state with those weird Amnesty International people and Katherine.
Conversation went something like this

Hot British Dude: we going to a AI conference next Saturday, we would really like everyone to attend
Me: [he's really sexy] [I mummble something]
Kay:[rambles for like 30 minutes on something about the evils of Walmart]
Hot British Dude: You sound really commited
Kay: I am[she nudges me in the side when she sees me doodling on my hand again]
Me: yeah me too.[he's a junior, i'm a sophomore. He does have that certain charm]

Next thing you know, my name was on some list, for some trip, for some days. I don't know.
If Hot British dude wasn't going, i would totally have passed on the trip. He's like Hugh Grant minus the having sex with prostitutes part(as far as i know). Why are American girls suckers for accents. he didn't even say anything faint worthy, it just sounded really hot.

Rambling again.