Disconnected.

I have slightly recovered from my anxiety attack last night. Thank you all for your support. I honestly don't mean to vent out my late night frustrations. But writing always been my outlet, and sometimes i can't seem to sugarcoat my feelings. So sorry about my sometimes all consuming lows.

I of course woke up this morning calling my mom, and telling her my feelings from this kind of okay weekend until the last four hours . I feel a lot better now, like my mind is all sorted out.

So here's the story.

Amnesty International. What can I say about it.

A group of passive aggressive people, who spent more time saying sorry for bumping into chairs than pinpointing a plan of action for all these problems in the world

Okay so that was a little harsh. Here's how it went.

Surprisingly waking up at 4am wasn't that bad. Kay had informed me that we would be driving two other girls in her car, which meant I had to attempt to socialize, which recently been that hard. I have been chatting it up with people in my class, making aquaintesses, and not feeling so lonely. We went to the dorm were we had all planned to meet, and set off for our trip.

There was two cars. Josh, the driver(a really hott guy who knows he's hott, so you kind of hate him. Ignored him simply to bust his ego. Cocky guys are assholes). Great_____, who uses phrases like " I will contact you" instead "call you", Jane(she's as simple as her name. But really pretty in that earthy way) and Bike Girl( I don't remember her name, she talks like she's high, like there are pauses in his words for days)

And then in the other car was me, Kay, Amy, Laurie/Christie(I can't remember which one it is)

It wasn't that bad, the car drive their was fun, we talked about our lives, and music, and movies we have or have not seen. The girls were instantly drawn to Kay, and even though I too joined into the "girl talk" I noticed that most of the questions were asked about Kay. I pretty much noticed throughout the whole day that I felt talked at, and not to. I felt like I would say something and then the group would go quiet. I some how felt odd, in a group full of odd people.

[I just deleted about 4 paragraphs worth of British Boy material and insight, I felt he was too interesting to just mention and then continue on...so more on him later. He's a interesting character and needs his own post.SERIOUSLY]

The conference went...Okay. I'm more of a Che girl, which means when you tell me there is a problem in Ethiopia the last thing I want to do is write a letter, I want to get on a plane to Ethiopia, and solve it. No passive shit here. But that's all I heard. They were all like "write your congressman if you want to help" in small squeaky voices. I was like are you serious. Che didn't only write his congressman, Joan of Arc didn't write her congressman, What the hell. Lets get out there and fight. Not sit around and hope something will change with a few letters. Or that Bono will save us all, or that wearing a few stupid bracelet with ONE on it will mean something. WTF.

But then Dr. "I don't know how to spell his name" talked. He was from Uganda and talked about child soldiers, and I was like "that's the cause I want to be apart of ". He was amazing. South African Boy, was also very drawn into it. Mid 7th head crack I could tell it struck a cord with him too. I wonder if anyone will fly me to Uganda.

We left at around 4. But we didn't realize that the drive was four hours long until heading to the campus. So we were ready for the long drive back. On the way there me and Kay had rode in the front seats, but Kay wasn't feeling like driving back so Amy said that she would.

I don't know how to explain it. There was a shift. It was like the accumulation of not feeling apart of the group came all together. Kay has this way of just talking to anybody, about anything. Even though she is almost 16 years older than us, she just conveys her audience, and hooks them. And sitting in the back, trying to join in on the conversation I felt that I was not invited in. Though I had attempted all day.

I had spent the majority of the day, kind of pushed out of the group. And now it was like "yep, you are not of us." They talked about school, and their sorority, mentioning that "Kay" would love it. "she" could come join. Only afterwards when they remembered they hadn't mentioned me they were like "even Beckett could join". Once that happened I pretty much disconnected. I had felt that my attempt at being social had failed, and that even now amongst a group of people I should feel most accepted by, I wasn't.

It's like a blackout...Disconnection that is. My mind because blinded by any sort of interaction after that. Once I had felt that I pretty much was the other girl in the car, I didn't care to listen anymore, I reverted back into my shell, I stared out the window. I tried to prevent the tears from falling. I think after they realized that they had mentioned going out to theaters and movies, and coffee shops together, but had excluded to include me in that, they made an attempt to pull me back in. But by then they had lost me, by then I had already accepted that I just wasn't apart of the group.

And what's even more horrible is because Kay talks to like everyone. So that everyone is one the same playing ground. Like when she calls me and talks about the troubles with her soon to be ex-husband , or how she is feeling down, I assume she is doing it because I am her friend. And you tell these things to friends, right? But in the car, she basically told them everything about her problems too. Like the things I thought she was confining in me. And I felt like she wasn't telling me all this stuff before cause I was a friend, but because i was just there, and she had about five other people to call. She had told them some stuff, I had never heard, and I felt like I had been...Used. And discared. And replaced.

And I think that is what crushed me during the ride home. In trying to make friends, and feeling like I had one in Kay, I think it's weird to tell what I assumed where private things to people you've just met(blog doesn't count). I noticed a while back that Kay has a way of using people. When I was in her English class last year I didn't like her at all. She has a way of making "friends" with people who benefit her attempts at getting into Med school. She said she liked me because I was Focused, that I was a hardworker, and assumed that is why we were friends. And that when she text messages me or calls me and talks on the phone for like an hour about how her husband is ruining her life, that she is confining in me because I am a friend, and that she values it so much that she can tell me such private things, and invite me into her home with her family.

But in the car, it was like "She just called me last night about this, nearly crying about that, and now she is confining in two strangers". I've been to her house, and met her kids, and now she is inviting them to do all this. Like how can you established a friendship with someone who has no real definition of it. Like I tell my friends personal aspects of my life, and I invite my friends into my house to meet my mom and brother. Because I figure they are the people I am close enough to invite into my life, and by doing the small thing like meeting my family, I am letting them know that they mean more to me, than some of my other friends.

But I felt insignificant. Like the whole day, I had felt invisible, and then I was in car, feeling like I had been used. That my whole purpose in her life is to keep her motivated. Like I wasted time, helping her study, and going to her house, just so when she needs me to help her with that Bio exam, I will be there. I feel utterly used.

And I realized how horrible that feels. Because I have felt it so many times. In essence I feel it everyday. That that's the itch I can't shake. So upon leaving the car, and almost bolting upstairs to my dorm, I could do nothing else but cry.

And I don't know the next steps to take to reconnect. Not just to people, but to life.

But I am not a quitter.

After explaining my frustrations to my mom and making sure that my "understanding" of friendship was clear. I'm not feeling so horrible anymore. I'm defining my relationships, and sure friends have other friends, but there are levels of friendships(well these were stranger, so apparently she just likes telling her life story to ANYBODY). Those that you just talk to whenever you see them, those you share your true self with...yadda yadda yadda. But Kay doesn't have those lines. And because of that you never know your role or value as a friend. And right now, I'm not looking to be anyone's "driving force"

I'm not looking to be used and then discarded when she finally gets a replacement(or accepted into Med school).I'm looking for a friend. I want and deserve a good friend. And my tears were a result of realizing that she may not be the friend that I thought I had in her, because the wool was pulled over my eyes.

I've noticed that the my eyes have been covered lately with dark paper, and though it's painful to see the truth, it's worth it. Because you get stronger with each minor(though it seemed major last night, as I typed my entry) setback. I have seem how much I have grown, and how much more growing I have to do. But life is about lessons(as my mom puts it) and I have to be willing to learn from them.

I guess it's time to start scratching that itch. So I don't linger to long. I have spent the greater park of the day in bed though, avoiding her calls. I just needed to hide today, tomorrow is another day worth fighting for.

Plus I have an Art Boy club to go to.