The Week Ahead

On top of world falling apart at the seams, Matt is trying to creep back into my life as if he is feeding off my general malaise and despair these days.

A few weeks ago we both attended a mutual birthday for a friend. I was not surprised that Matt was going to be there because this boy will show up to any and all invitations and he is super close to my friend and his wife. Of course,I didn't want Matt's presence at the party to stop me from going. Why should I have to hand over all of my friends because of him. We weren't dating. No one in our small circle even knew we were hanging out so in theory we should be able to be at the same gathering today without any issue.

Should.

I have a longer more detailed entry about that night which I may publish eventually. I feel weird writing when I am so stressed by the world but I will find a balance. I have to. What I will say is that the night was another comedy of errors where Matt was trying to establish a connection again when no one was looking but the moment we were around other people he pretended as if he didn't know me. Classic.

Since then he has been blowing up my phone NONSTOP. It is consistent, annoying texts asking if we can start hanging out on Sunday's again. I do not want to hang out with this boy. Perhaps he realizes how much he misses Sundays at my house. The companionship and the conversation and the free food. Maybe he misses how I helped him with his attempt at writing a series of detective novels. How i gave him pointers and made the story better for him by fleshing his ideas out more.Whatever the case the boy definitely wants back in and is being too aggressive about it.

Matt is completely unable to conceptualize  that something is not the same between us. Even at the party he didn't ask  why i deleted him from FB, instead he asked me if I was taking a break from social media. Instead of wondering why I hadn't texted him back in 6 weeks...he wrote me an email and asked if there was something wrong with my phone. Instead of saying he missed hanging out with me, he said i'd struggle with the Sunday Blues without him and that he would  do me a solid by hanging out with me again on Sunday to help.

In his mind there is nothing he could have done that would cause this huge cosmic shift in our relationship.Absolutely nothing and perhaps I blocked him to see if he would put two and two together.I didn't do it because I wanted him to come groveling back at me. I wanted him to recognize something was wrong, take ownership of it and then make attempts to fix it.  He hasn't. He won't. Though I am a person who love words, I believe actions are stronger. And with Matt his words and his actions are shit.

I've been going over Tim's house every Tuesday for Wine and Pizza. When i get to his house he'll have a blanket on the couch for me ("because your feet get cold") , a bottle of chilled wine waiting for me ("I don't understand why you drink it chilled but i put yours in the fridge they way you like it) and pizza already ordered or in some cases waiting for us when we get to his house. He is perhaps the most considerate man i've ever meet who makes every attempt to make sure you are your most comfortable. And idk, there is just something about a friend who listens and pays attention and then applies that knowledge to good use that is.....necessary for me. 

It is how I express love and affection, so receiving it back for the first time is quite eye opening. Showing someone you care is more important to me than trying to have the right words. Matt has neither. He is full of knowledge but he is not kind or considerate. I should have known this when his words turned against me. When he kept telling me I wasn't good enough or tall enough or Indian enough or sexual enough or aggressive enough. I should have known when he mocked my desire to have kids and a husband and a few pets. But i think i was waiting for his actions to make up for his words and they never did. He forgot my birthday, ditched me on Valentine's Day, disrespected me in my apartment and watched me cry and do nothing.

But now he wants to come back into my life and suck all the energy I have left and I can't allow this to happen. I just can't. I have no interest in hanging out with Matt anymore. Not after everything. And I feel so cold and dismissive saying this but after everything Matt has said and done I shouldn't care what Matt thinks of me. On Friday though, I felt pushed into a corner by him and agreed to hang out so he would stop asking me. I felt worn down by his guilt and pressure.

"My sundays are free again. and you said you weren't doing anything the Sunday after the 4th of July so i don't understand why we can't hang out". So i agreed to and now I have to back out of this ASAP. I am trying to figure out why I attract these men. What vibe I am giving off that makes me so susceptible to these soul sucking men who are wearing me down. I think I am kind and compassionate which is often viewed as a weakness instead of incredible strength.

I plan on texting him today and telling him the truth. That i don't want to hang out next weekend or the weekend after that or the weekends that follow. I want to do it in a way that isn't rude or abrasive but just honest. I'm sure Matt is going to be the right guy for some girl but that girl is not me. I'm sure Matt is a decent friend but he is not one to me. So I have to just lead by both my actions and words this time around and be as up front with him so I don't end up in the same spot we were in a few months ago. Where I give and he takes until there is nothing left.