SAG Awards

There's nothing like a good old award show (and kind and uplifting words from K and her friend C) to pull me out of my funkness.



general observations from my bed on award night:



-Angelina Jolie sure does look pregnant

-I'm a little over Juno and Ellen Page already. We get it, it's darling. She's darling. The whole damn movie is darling.

-Ryan Gosling was rocking that grey suit.

-I hope i look as good as _______,________, ______ when i get that age

-I hope i don't look as bad as Ashley Tisdale when i get that...wait we are the same age. "What happened to your face?"

-Javier. You're so pretty. Marry me.

Damn i love award shows.

I've had a lot of time to think over a lot of things ( and have come to some pretty profound conclusion in the process, which of course i have to write about.). I'm lucky that i have a therapist who lets me ramble for however long I want to before the the session is over. I talk so much sometimes i feel like i am hosting a show on my life, and he is my only audience member.

I told him i was going crazy. That i was being my generally anxious self again except at a much higher level. I told him that sometimes i resist change so much that i succeed in having everything remain the same, so i could linger for a while. I told him that i was scared, that i feel unprepared, that sometimes it's easier to just be nothing then to try to be somebody. But that i want to be somebody so much I'm having to get over my fear and except change as a part of the process. It's easier to give up, i told him, to settle for mediocre so that the fall, if i happen to fail, won't hurt as bad. I don't know if i can do it, I admitted. I don't know if i can suffer the fall which comes along with whatever changes that will and are coming in my life.

"But you haven't?" Is all he said "Why do you think that is?"

And it's because no matter how low i get, i always fight my way back to the surface. And when i do emerge, it is with a clarity of the present situation and with more determination to figure out all the insanity that going on inside my head.

That's pretty much where i am at right now. Not as suffocating as i thought it would be.

Now back to daydreaming about Javier Bardem.