Tomorrow can't come fast enough. Six days of work is brutal. Six days of dumb questions ('where's the nonfiction section', 'how is the fiction section organized' 'can i pay for this item at customer service where there is clearly no register?) can wear a person down. And I am all kinds of worn out. I haven't had a break for a solid 7 days. I don't plan on doing much of anything tomorrow because of this.
Last year when I started my internship with crazy publishing lady I had to go in every Tuesday and Thursday. For that reason I obviously didn't work at the bookstore those days. Even though that internship ended a year ago, I saw no reason to change my availability. I would kill for a weekend off every once in a while, but having Tuesday and Thursday off is very beneficial. For one, if an interview comes up unexpectedly I can schedule it on two very popular interview days. The day after Monday and the day before Friday. I hold on to these days off with a fiery passion. Several times I have been asked to come in on these days and my response has been swift and to the point.
'can't have other plans'.
For some reason three people have asked me to switch shifts with them this week. All of them trying to take Thursday away from me. I just can't do it. The huge migration is still taking place at Le Sad Store. Jenn's last day was Saturday and a few people will officially be out of there this week. A co-worker texted me this morning to ask for my Thursday shift because she has an interview that day, but I had to decline only because someone already asked me, to which I declined.
I would have made an exception for her but I couldn't deny the dude who already asked me request just a day ago and then switch my schedule with someone else. That wouldn't have looked good at all. So i told her that I couldn't switch shifts that day.
I may not have anything going on Thursday, but I could. You never know. I applied to some of those nonprofit jobs a week ago and I am feeling pretty good about them. If something should come up this week, I want to be able to make it. I have a tendency of putting others before myself, but in this case I can't. I too am looking for new employment, just because I don't act like an asshole at work and bitch about the job, doesn't mean that I am happy there.
This weekend was dreadful. Everyone was in a weird depressed funk that was hard to shake. It has a lot to do with the big migration taking effect and general dissatisfaction with management. Everyone, outside of the new people, are ready to move on from Le Sad Store and we have secretly held meetings about our individual exit strategy in the aisle. I am a little low key in discussing my plans but McAbs ('memba' him) had a near temper tantrum this weekend because they asked him to wear a bunny suit for an event in the children's department. Afterwards he came over to me and said 'i can't do this anymore. I fucking hate this place. I'm not going to grad school so I can wear a bunny outfit at work'.
Point heard loud and clear. Loud and Clear.
I tried to tell him worse things have happened. That he was only in the bunny suit for 15 minutes. That we all 'fucking hate this place' but that we like each other which doesn't make it that bad. We just have to hang in there and not tear each other apart in the process. He was not feeling this pick me up and spent the rest of the evening sulking and avoiding me.
I have had days like him, like everyone to be truthful, but I can't drop anchor here. I can't. Even when I want to.
I would love a new job before Christmas. It would be the best gift ever at this point. So fingers crossed for me. But until then I have to keep my head above water. I need to.
This has been a littler easier to do these days after last Monday. Ever since the weird conversation with Matt, he has, in the words of Liz Parker circa Roswell, "put a force on me'. It may be shallow to develop a crush on a boy because he may have professed an attraction to you, but dammit if that hasn't occur. Until a week ago he was just Matt; goofy, smart, attractive nice guy from work with really awesome blue eyes.
In an instant though he has become someone else. It's like he has developed a shape and form and a composition that I was never aware of until now. And like a true weirdo I want to dissect, analyze and figure him out. I think I'm beginning to understand the lure of mutual attraction. When someone likes you, you feel like you too are existing for the very first time. For someone who often feels invisible having him say something cryptic and nice has affected me.
Marie keeps telling me to forget about the Matt thing. That it doesn't really matter because he is someone I work with and we know have a lot of mutual acquaintances and he may not have any interest in me at all. This is all very true. I mean since last monday he has made no repeat attempts in engaging me like he did. He is still very nice, and goofy and smart but I can't read him. I don't know what he is thinking or feeling. I want him to tell me my eyes are pretty again dammit.
I am not being obvious about my new fond interest. I pay him about as much attention as I did before while making the rounds with my other co-workers. But I find myself lingering near him a little bit longer these days, making sure to say hi when I usually would have walked past him. He is like an endangered animal, a boy who may actually like me. And I find myself wondering what it is he sees, so that I can see it myself.
He is going to see Jackass 3D with Kat this week and asked if I wanted to go. I of course have an awful 2-10 shift and can't go but I said it would have been really cool to see it with him, because the last time we went to the movies I had a fun time. I am trying to do little girl things (without being annoying) to show interest, because as a girl with a lot of walls even my small signs of interest may not come across at all.
But his Stoicism will be the death of me.
I am possibly going to send him a sample of a short story I am writing. He finally gave me a critique of my Peru novel and said it was filled with depth and promise. I thank him the other night for giving me a nice critique and he voiced his interest in seeing more stories, 'now that you trust me a little more'. What is this boy trying to do to me?
If all else fails, and this is nothing more than a sort of interested guy, I might be able to seduce him alone with my writing. I've always been much better at expressing intimacy that way.
It's still all so very weird though.
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