Little Admirer.

Um. I may have accidentally befriended a precocious nine year old at the bookstore some months ago... unwittingly of course.



Let me explain.



I fucking hate my job so much that I even hate how much I write about hating my job. But because I was a kid, teenager and sort of adult with a tendency of daydreaming about this life I want to lead and the one I am leading, I am in a funk about the current state of things. I wanted to move to New York, I wanted to work at the bookstore while I interned around town and applied to 'big people' jobs but I just had no clue it would take this long. I am wallowing in disillusionment at the moment.



But, and there is a but, the aspect of the bookstore I do love is interacting with people who like to read. And by read, I mean people who don't jump on the bandwagon of Oprah, or even the new york times, book suggestion. I like interacting with people who are either discovering new writers or who value substance over word of mouth promotion. And it's not to say that 'popular' titles aren't...good. But when I'm in a bookstore (i miss the Strand) I run my hands against the spines of books until a title catches my eye. I read the back cover copy and thumb through a few passages before I commit myself to reading it. I don't need Oprahs help in finding good reads. I like to discover my own.



Case in point: I was in the store a few days ago when a lady came asking for Oprah newest selection for her book club. Not only did she butcher the title but when her and her friend got in line her friend asked her what the book was about, seeing that she was going to spend 20 bucks on it. The lady replied 'it's about, um, this, story, where....just read the inside flap it'll let you know there". It's a little disheartening for a book lover and avid reader like myself to hear comments so dense.



Anyway, when I do come across someone who actually loves reading I will take the extra time to talk about my own favorite titles. I will suggest authors who express the same narrative content and then geek out about new and old titles alike. It's a hit or miss sometimes. You either relate to said book nerd or they thank you politely in order to continue shopping. When it's a miss, I don't really care but when I get a hit, I feel like I've contributed my knowledge of literature for once.



Most of the people I help however are teens and kids because I think they feel most comfortable approaching me. I look young, I am usually very bubbly and hell making eye contact with them isn't difficult. And I love engaging in conversation with them. I mean most of the teens and kids in this town are snotty rich twats, but when i come across a nerdy outcast who wants to read White Fang, I want to smother the nerd with love. 'read away' I want to yell, "it will get better"



A couple of months ago I was approached by a very morose child with long blond hair and blue eyes who wanted to be shown where the teen section was. She sort of lingered about at customer service for awhile before telling me that she needed help finding a book. At first I was a little annoyed by her. She kind of came out of no where and then demanded help (despite a line) but because she looked to be about 11 or 12 I decided to help her first. I don't like keeping kids waiting.



When we arrived to the kids department I turned to walk away when she said 'oh, I've read this book and this book and this book. there is nothing good in this section anymore'. She frowned and then brushed the hair out of her face with annoyance. I decided to give the girl a shot, so I asked her what she was into reading. Of course she replied 'everything' as if it was a bad thing.



I spent the next 30 minutes throwing books at her. She told me she was 12 (age will be a very important factor later) and that she 'finished books quickly'. I skipped the classics and went directly into reads I found interesting. Sort of dark (like her), negative utopia (it's never to early) and some nerd classics. She told me that her dad worked across the street and he'd given her his credit card to buy whatever she wanted. She then pulled out the gold card and placed it on top of the books she was set on buying and headed to the register.



When I returned to customer service Kat, who witnessed our exchange, said 'you two were uber cute talking about books in the teen department. I think you may have made a friend'.



Six weeks later while i was goofing around at customer service I caught the sight of blond hair from the corner of my eye. When I turned it was the girl again waiting patiently for me. And only me. She was with her mom this time and couldn't stay long but wanted to tell me she liked that books that I recommended. She said it so little infliction I thought she was poking fun. Then she walked away and I didn't see her again for another month. This time around she popped up in the children's department where I was working and said 'i bet you don't remember me' but by then the very daria isque child with blond hair was imprinted in my memories.



'No. I remember you. You read books about Death and liked a couple of things I recommended. How's it going?'



"Good, I guess" She said shrugging her shoulders. She didn't say much after that. Something about school and Fairy Tales. But then she was gone.



It has been this way for months. I run into her unexpectedly. She asks me if I remember her, I remind her that I do and then we exchange short sentences. She is odd and a little weird but she keeps seeking me out in the store. And for some reason I like helping her.



This all came to a startling revelation two weeks ago when I was approached by Molly, finally a name, while I was at the cash register. She wasn't buying anything but decided to cut in line to hang out near my register. She wanted me to know that she was interested in Greek Mythology now and if I knew of any books she could read. I got some very evil glares from customers in line due to her cutting (luckily there were two cashiers up there) but decided to talk about stories I liked from Greek Myths. She got very excited, as excited as her face allows, and I pointed her towards the mythology section. A half hour later Molly and her mom (who i met once before) came up to the register with the book i recommended.

Her mom, to molly's embarrassment, gushed that I was the girl her daughter talks about. The girl who works at the bookstore and recommends stuff that she actually likes. At this Molly turned red and walked towards the exit while her mom told me about Molly's interest in reading and writing and how I've helped. It was bizarre this whole time I thought this little girl was perhaps coming to me out of convenience, while i rambled endlessly about good books and shit. But in reality she was seeking me out. And I suddenly became very attached to her. Like a kindred spirit.

Because you know what I was Molly once. I was a very lonely, sad kid you escaped into books because I couldn't relate to kids my age. And I sought out people older because I thought they could relate. And in a weird way I have been fueling her nerdom and letting her know it's okay. Even it's through book recommendations. Can you believe it?

I was floored by this revelation. Floored. And wanted to ask Molly about her interest in reading and what she's been getting out of the books I've recommended but she was far to embarrassed to say anything except goodbye. To top it off her mom came in a few days ago to say hi to me. She was going to see a movie upstairs and knew that Molly would kill her if she didn't stop in. I asked her if Molly was always this into reading and writing, and she said this was a new thing. She then told me that Molly wrote a story about Greek Myths for her class which her teacher thought was astounding and original. When I asked her what grade Molly was in, her mom revealed that she just started the fourth or fifth. I can't remember. Turns out Molly is 9, not 12 like she told me when I met her a while ago. Even the fact that she lied to me in the beginning makes me adore her.

I think someone/thing must have sent me a mini blond blue eyed version of myself to take care of. There has got to be a reason she has latched on to me and I to her. I remember when I was her age, I admired a girl who was a few years ahead of me in school. Her name was Erin and I thought she could do no wrong. She skipped class and wrote fake hall passes but she was a Straight A student and was the epitome of....awesome. I thought she understood all the misery I felt then, even though she was popular and pretty. There was something about her, that made me think things would get better. That I could be like her in the future. I never summoned up the courage to talk to her but I admired from a far and when she graduated it was like I'd lost a friend. And it's weird to think I am in a position to provided that same sort of comfort to sad nerdy kids who like to read books that don't have vampires in them.

Le sigh.

Because of my continued interaction with Molly I have decided to apply to some non profit jobs in the city that provide art education programs for kids. I believe in emphasizing the importance of art education in school systems as well as that of science and math. And if I can nurture some sullen kid into an interesting sullen kid who writes stories about Greek Mythology than life won't feel that bad.

It can't.