The Nerves may be getting the Best of me.

I suddenly realized that i am driven by my nerves. Or rather lack of them.

As when i didn't tell Nicholas i was madly deeply in love with him(yes the "N" i have referred to in some entries has finally got a name instead of the coveted "N"). Or not audictioning for that play in highschool. Not going to Art boys club, and other small things i notice that i don't accomplish because of fear. Or Nerves.

I don't know what it is. This calm exterior to the world, who presents herself as being fearless still has butterflies in her stomach when attempting to exert herself in a crowd. I manage to slink away from the situation, avoiding it with some excuse at all cost to get me out of it. My "love" for Nicholas was repressed and coverted to becoming his best friend, until that became horrible once we both started expressing our like for each other, but didn't know what to do with that. I stopped acting in school plays, because of the nervousness of audtioning. Faced with kids who were so 'in" to drama, and me who flirted around with it from time to time. And needless to say me not going to Art Boys club, for fear of my horrible social skills in big crowds, which lead to the disintergration of my crush on him(even though he is still extremely cute).

Katherine and i have been bumping into each other a lot. Talking about our aspirations of becoming a doctor, Philadelphia, and writing. I don't know if we are in that stage where i can call her a friend yet, even though i assume that we are. I always thought that was a weird thing about friendship. Like when is it the right time to be like "Does this mean we are friends yet or are we still on the "associate" level". Anyway. So she writes me an email telling me about this Pre-med group that she is apart of and that she wants me to join. Naturally i am interested in it. I mean i do want to pursue a career in medicine. But most of the pre-med students are those overachievers, who have the answers to everything, get to know their professors ,and seem to walk around with an air that they are more important than most of the other majors. Once again i don't fit that mold. I don't think i'm an overachiever, i would rather not answer the questions in lecture class, and i'm just happy if i get a "hi" from my professors yet along a conversation that last longer than 5minutes.

There is a conference this week thats about 2 hours away, and her and some of the other people from the group are going. I have been invited to attend though i'm technically not a member. While i was walking back from English(we just finished Romeo and Juliet) and i was kind of in a daze because of how sad the whole movie was, she calls my name scaring me and asks me if i am going. I tell her that i can meet her at 1:30 because i have to go to class(my dorm) and then study(watch tv) and that after Bio(where i will be yawning and dying for it to be over) and History(where i will be doing the same) i can meet her.

So the club sounds really good. Pre-med students helping other Pre-med students out. Most of the students in this club have a high record of getting accepted into med school. Looks good on Transcipts, could help my GPA out. What could be wrong?

My nerves that's what wrong. I pretty much have an avoidant personality. Avoid it until it smacks you in the face. Not to go back to the roommate sitaution, but after she was mad about my comments on IM, i went home for that weekend, thinking i was calming the fire. Well that only fueled it, and coming back was like stepping into a war path. So though i want to go, when she asked me i said "well, i'll call you tomorrow, and if my plans for the weekend look okay than i'll go" What plans for the weekend?! My plans are to get a burrito, hope that there is an SVU marathon coming on USA, and pack for Thanksgiving Break(i go home next Tuesday.) But i just noticed how nervous the sitaution makes me. I mean you think being away from my mom i would be "wild and crazy", more like "tame".

At some point though i have to remove myself from my comfort level, and embrace what is before me. Because i don't want to get to a point where my nerves become regrets. And all i have left are regrets of what i should have done in retrospect to what i didn't. I mean i imagine all the things i could accomplish just if i let myself accept the things before me. I know that things would have been better if i hadn't let nerves play apart all the time.

So i'm going. I'm stepping out the comfort zone, even if it is for 1 day(it's an overnight trip, but the conference is that one day), i can't let the nerves control me forever.

Katherine told me to invite Mike to the group. Yeah right. Does she not know Mike, i have the displeasure of knowing this kid and now you want me to bring him to a club. I think not.

Today was the end of Romeo and Juliet(i guess a literal end as well). I wish i could say "thank god" but it was a bittersweet ending to my love hate affair with the movie/play. In what?... five days they "fell in love, got married, killed a few people, chaos erupted, and death." Was not fun watching. Even weirder was seeing the "sex " scene during the thing. I must say the director did a good job of not having a full on porn shot for the "love" scene. Just sweet kisses and leading us to the assumption(she took of her shirt for goodness sake) that they were going to seal their relationship. But watching it with about 20 students in a dead silent room, with the kid kicking my chair behind me, was still AWKWARD. Especially cause we have the older classmate(who retired from the police force and is now returning for a degree) sitting in the corner. It was like watching an inappropiate scene with your grandfather. I was just waiting for him to tell us to cover our eyes at any minute. But instead i just sat uncomfortably wondering if i should avert my eyes or not. Luckily he spared us even more AWKWARDNESS by not lingering to long on that part of their romance.

Of course after leaving, and recieving our English papers back(i made a B, Mike wouldn't tell me what he made, but i'm assuming it was an F) we got into a discussion once more about Romeo and Juliet....I'm sorry to say there was no drag out, screaming match(the week hasn't ended yet though so i'm sure there will be one). I think he was even a little surprised when all i said was that

"it was sad, they were so young".

I mean i still think they were stupid. And i still have my doubts about the lasting effects of their love. But in the end what i have learned is just that they did love each other, and isn't that what it's all about. About that love that grabs you and seems never to let you go. And even if it wouldn't have worked out between them if they had lived, it's that for those few days they experienced a love like no other. They experience happiness that few only recieve. Still pretty sad though.

I think with the falling of the leaves it is like the world is screaming at us to "fall in love". Something about this time of the year, maybe the holiday aspect of it all, makes you want to be consumed in that all emcompassing feeling. I roll my eyes at couples walking down the street holing hands 1) because they are really an inconvience when trying to run to class 2) because they remind the rest of us that we don't have boyfriends. But today as i rolled my eyes and then crossed the street ,my hand felt lonely as if it was missing it's pair.

Damn you fall.

Especially with all the cute boys walking around, you just have to curse it all. There is a boy in my History Discussion class( we have a a lecture class Tuesday and Thursday for 50 minutes, and then a 50 minute discussion class on certain days and times with the Ta), who talks just like Jeremy Sisto. To spare another picture blog, he's in a lot of Indie movies,but recently in Wrong Turn(horrible movie) and in the series Six Feet Under. He has like this raspy voice that for some reason is attractive. Well this kid in my class talks just like him, and even looks like him a little. And because everyone sits in the same seats we usually are in the same group together. Yesterday he was the presenter and he had to introduce us to the class. I mean i've never heard anyone say my name as sexy as he did, and i almost fainted. Okay so fainted is pushing it, but his hotness factor went up a few notches.

Apparently it is "study abroad" week here. And in almost every class we have some student from Australia come for like 5 minutes and ramble on about why we should study abroad. Though i am going to study abroad sometime in the future, i have no interest to do what they are suggesting. OF course they pick the hottest spokesperson to talk to a class of 100 students, With forced enthusiam, and rehearsed lines. In Chem this extremely attractive Australian guy with his "hello mates" began going on about this "Extreme" opprotunity. I guess repeating extreme over and over again drove home the fact that we can go "to different parts of the country and help the needy or something. I love how he emphazied certain words.

"FREE admission into this organization and a TRIP to countries where you will help build things and other stuff. you will get six CREDIT HOURS for a month in you host country, where at the end you can WHITEWATER RAFT or RIDE ELEPHANTS or SCUBADIVE with the completion of the FOUR WEEKS program." I mean he was so excited about it, the rest of us were pumped up.

Pumped up student in back: "how much does it cost?"

Australian Guy: WHITE WATER RAFTING!!!!!!

What cute Australian boy forgot to tell the class was that it's 2000 for the program, plus the cost for the credit hours we will be enrolled in, and travel expense,food expense, and lodging. Guess he forgot that part.

Today he came in my History class, and like a machine repeated the same thing, with the same fake enthusiasm. I also notice that he was wearing the same clothes, which makes me think now that he is just some hot programed machine trying to get us to go to another country. I will not be fooled by his hottness.

Back to studying. My chem test is on Friday.