The 27th Year.

My birthday is less then a month away. A month ya'll.

Ever since Christmas I have been repeating a very stupid phrase to whoever will listen to me belt it. Anytime I want something great or magical or sweet even extraordinary to happen I'll look to the person I'm talking to,  get all big and dreamy in the eyes and say "I'm just waiting for a [blank] meeeeeeeracle". And of course I have to emphasize and draw out the word miracle like a child, raising my hands over my head and then dramatically dropping them to my side with a sigh.

Around Christmas I must have said "I'm just looking for an xmas meeeeeeracle" a million times. I was in the spirit and wanted things to be awesome. Kathleen would roll her eyes everytime i uttered the phrase but eventually my enthusiasm caught on. And you know what, Christmas was awesome this year.  It was wintry and there were cookies and cupcakes and eggnog. The Boy pulled through in the gift giving department, my various holiday activities with friends and family were meaningful and memorable. It was splendid and amazing and I don't think I've enjoyed the holidays more.

Kat was hoping the phrase would die down after the Christmas but alas it hasn't. New Years: "can't a girl just get a new years meeeeeeeracle". Valentines Day: "i just want a valentine's day meeeeeeracle" (fingers crossed. proclamation of love? the end of his reign of douchery? a damn thinking of you text) and now my birthday: "another opportunity for a meeeeeeracle". Kathleen isn't so much annoyed by the phrase or even my theatrics. Instead she laments that it's so fucking infectious it makes her even hopeful for little stupid miracles and surprises that do not happen in the real world because the real world does not work like the inside of my head. And That we'll both just end up getting disappointed when our expectations are let down.

And she has a point. I know this. I do know this. But i still believe that people are full of surprises and that when you matter enough to someone magical things can happen. I'm just saying. I still innocently believe in this. Sue me. Because of circumstances surrounding my current relationship woes I am not holding out for a Valentines Day meeeeeracle this year. I love the campiness of the holiday, the cards and the chocolate and the bake mixes, but this year I sort of want February 14th to move the hell on. The Boy Who Is Not Mine took the day off ( "if she thinks it's because of V-day she's dead wrong. Die Hard is coming out that day. Die Hard") and it was not with the intention or forethought or afterthought of spending it with me. He entertained the idea of hanging out next Friday once he gets off work but he hasn't brought that up in a week and because I am passive i refuse to mention it to him.

 Kat, who is still in lust with the married preacher, is going to be in a pissy mood the next couple of days especially next Thursday and I suspect I will spend much of the day telling her: don't cry, please don't cry, okay if you are at least going to cry can you wait until we get to the car. But instead of going to the movies with me or hanging out she will head home to her boyfriend (the one she is still seeing despite her obsession with married preacher) and I will be left to sulk in my room listening to Cher (which i happen to listen to a lot during my 'why doesn't anyone love me" days) drinking watered down alcohol and watching Like Crazy, crying so hard that I fall asleep out of exhaustion.

Who wouldn't want to date me....i....am...a....catch!

The only reason I am excited for Valentines Day is that after I wake up from said terrible night the countdown to my birthday begins. VDay, ever since I was little, has always marked the beginning of the countdown to my special day. And last year, despite it being the first without Marie, was pretty special. I got my first tattoo and had a awesome time in the city and ate cupcakes. My family and friends did not let me down and I was happy. Or close to it.

Now however, my expectations are so fucking high, i too feel that I will be let down by the weeks leading up to and after my birthday! And it has nothing to go with the gift aspect (I've decided I want a xbox 360. My mom and are I going halfsie on it. I suspect I wont want anything else after i start gaming) but I really really really really want unique little small birthday moments with each and every one of my small group of friends this year because that was so special about it last year. It would be the birthday meeeeeeeracle of my dreams. If anyone could make this happen it would be the greatest gift of all. Kat and I have a several birthday excursions planned. We are seeing Stomp on my birthday and then 3 weeks later we are going to Cirque Du Soleli which is being performed in a actual circus tent (my heart just pitter pattered). My aunt is taking me shopping and to Sephora for a make-over day ( i am nervous about the make-up thing seeing my last experience was not great). My other friend, the chick who loves wrestling, was going to throw a wrestling event/birthday party for me with Sean, Mutual friend and another guy. But with the whole 'you are inappropriate with my girlfriend' drama unfolding the two of us are planning on going to the city alone, maybe a casino for shits and giggles, instead of enduring an awkward confrontation.

Sean has not mentioned my birthday at all. I asked him to take off for the day of the party but he kept shrugging his shoulders and then said i reminded him that he has to take off for the weekend before my birthday (le sigh). On the way home one night he said he got his mom an awesome birthday gift a few weeks back. I, thinking this was his way of bringing up my own birthday, ask him what he got her. He bought her....prepare yourself. I'm serious. The few i have told have literally almost punched me in the face for continuing to like this fool....he bought her a 100 cans of cat food.

Cat food. Are you fucking kidding me.

Whats funny is that I was with him when he bought all the cat food. He was excited cause there was a big sale at the supermarket and he didn't want to pass it up. I thought it was cute (lurve is blind) that he wanted me to tag alone, we had two carts full of cat food and then had to lug it back to his car like it was prized gold. I thought this experience was adorable because he loves his cats and sales at the supermarket. This is not cute however as a gift to his mom (his reasoning behind the gift is that she didn't have to spend her own money to buy it). Because no matter how you try to sell it to me CAT FOOD as a gift is unacceptable. I just have no words. No words.

But the way things are looking this month, not only in the boy department but in the friend department, i am worried that my desire for a birthday meeeeeeracle will lead to disappointment. Kat is moodier than ever, crying almost every day ('why doesn't preacher like me") and just sent me a text that she wants to feel excited about Stomp and Cirque but just cant. Sean is so busy attempting to join the air force that trying to talk to him about anything is impossible. Mutual Friend relationship with Annoying Cashier is causing a rift in our circle of friends and he doesn't seem very interested in participating in any me related birthday plans. And I'm hardly at the store anymore so i rarely get to see the people I want to see and when I do see them it's for brief periods of time.

This is making me anxious and slightly sad and depressed. I want this year to be special. I'm not sure why but I just need it to be. At least i know I'm getting an Xbox ( mini birthday meeeeracle) but it's not the gift i was looking forward to most this year.