....Sean asked me to hang out tomorrow on Valentines Day. Asaywhatthefuck?!?!?!
I understand that i am pretty naive and innocent when it comes to this dating, relationship stuff. But why the hell would a boy, with a girlfriend, ask me to hang out on valentines day. The one day of the year where significant others should well, hang out together.
I rarely close at Le Sad Store on Tuesdays. My availability even states that I am unable to close Tuesday due to other commitments ($7 movies all day at the theater nearby. If that isn't a commitment then i don't know what one is). But one of our co-workers had a death in the family two weeks ago and the managers have been struggling to get people to cover her shift. I got a damn near frantic all on Monday from Evil Manager asking if i could come in on Tuesday. Actually what she said was "on the weekly schedule i forgot to put down that you were actually coming on Tuesday for a closing shift".
I didn't let on that I knew she was telling a fucking lie (i don't close Tuesdays! she knows this (she makes the schedule). i know this. the whole damn store knows this) but instead agreed to come in because extra money never hurt anyone and because i knew Sean would be there. I wanted to see him for two reasons: 1) he is going on vacation this weekend. I suspect because of our conflicting schedules that I won't see him for a week or so. 2) I wanted to tell him about something that happened this Sunday.
I am writing a lengthy Grilled Cheese post about an interaction that happened between Mutual Friend and I Sunday that was just so absurd and hilarious and like a scene from a very bad sitcom that i have to write it down. It had something to do with Sean because Mutual Friend knows that I like someone (he doesn't know who it is) and keeps trying to 'help me out' with my situation.
In a nutshell (I'm still going to write a lengthy post about it) Mutual Friend finally admitted to me that he had a crush on me back in November/December but that he realized his feelings for me were not genuine. For the next hour he went on to talk about his new girlfriend (Annoying Cashier) and how he thinks she is his soul mate and that he is glad he never told me that he liked me because then he would have missed out on true love. "You were available and I was lonely and I needed someone to love and because you're like my best friend i became attracted to you out of....convenience". And that if he can find true love by being honest with himself maybe I can find it to by admitting to my crush that I like him.
This. Was. Said. To. Me. Straight face and all. Are you fucking kidding me.
For the last few days I have been fuming about this conversation. The way he went about telling me was a little...i don't know...tacky if i can be honest. If you are so very happy in your current relationship, why tell me that you had feelings for me at one point and that you are over me? Why bring the whole thing up in the first place if it can't serve any purpose or new development in our relationship. There was no need for me to know that he ever had feelings for me if they are now long gone. And because he did think this was a good conversation to have with me, why after confessing his feelings did he then go on an hour long spiel about how awesome and amazing and beautiful and smart Annoying Cashier is (she is getting two masters!). I shit you not. We then spent the next hour on some cold ass street corner (cause he wanted to walk me halfway home to tell me this crap) where I had to listen to how amazing Annoying Cashier is and how....wait for it....Mutual Friend finally knows what real love feels like.
I hysterically cried then laughed then cried all the way home. Not so much because i have ever liked him and wanted him to confess that he still had feelings for me. But because I felt pitied. I hated to hear that his feelings for me were not genuine. For some reason this made me feel like the most unlikable person in the universe. That no one would ever truly have genuine feelings for me not even some ashat who sort of broke up with the idea of me on a cold ass street corner.
Mutual Friend made me promise not to tell anyone about our conversation ( his revelation, my pitifulness, his happiness, yadda, yadda) but of course I told my mom, Kat, you all and finally Sean.
Outside of the wrongness that is my relationship with this boy, he is my closest friend at the store. I tell him practically everything (except that i have feelings for him) and I needed a male perspective. I actually wanted to know his opinion about the whole thing, especially because Mutual Friend went to him in November to confess said attraction. I needed and wanted a laugh about it and i figured I'd get to see Sean, make him laugh and then say goodbye to him before he went on a 'staycation' for the weekend.
So i agreed to close last night. I re-enacted the story to Sean whose reaction was as i suspected it would be 'so what was the point in telling you. Fucking idiot" and then we went on with our regular routine of flirting, joking around and otherwise not doing any work. Before I went to lunch, Sean and I were hanging out in the backroom trying not to get caught lounging. He seemed upset that his gf didn't want to celebrate valentines day. They see each other every Wednesday and because Valentines Day is on Thursday she sees no point in seeing him twice in one week. His bitterness and frustration was pretty evident and he went on to say 'it's just another fucking day anyway. So maybe i shouldn't take it to heart". I, of course, tell him that it isn't just another day. It's a stupid, campy, Hallmark holiday that people participate in because it's fun and sweet.
He then asked me what my plans were for this 'sweet, fun, campy' holiday and I told him the truth "I'm probably going to buy some watered down alcoholic beverage. Listen to backstreet boys. And fall asleep watching a Channing Tatum movie. There will be tears. Drunk dancing and tears" He laughed and asked me if i was serious. I told him that I was. Then he says "well, i don't think there be tears?" I tell him that I know better than anyone that there will be tears and channing tatum and more tears.
"well, then why don't we hang out Thursday. I have the day off. We could see a movie or something".
me: silence. silence. silence. silence.
"it's just another day and i don't have any plans'
me: it's valentines day?
"and I'd like to see a movie with you if that's okay"
me: okay....but if you bail....I'll be very upset.
Can someone just explain what the hell this boy is doing? He has a girlfriend. Even if she doesn't want to do anything tomorrow, i suspect he doesn't want her boyfriend hanging out with some other chick. Omg, when the hell did I become the other chick? Is this a date? Are we just two people with no other plans wanting to see an action flick tomorrow? What if he bails (which i am pretty sure he will do)? I will be hurt and distant from him. He'll ask why. Will i then have to confess my feelings? Or Worse. What happens if he doesn't bail? What happens if this is a fucking date?
There are many times when I wonder if i am exaggerating my experiences with Sean. I wonder if perhaps what i feel and see from him isn't just some big distortion that my mind is projecting because i like his attention and what to think that he likes me as much as i like him. But then shit like yesterday happens and I'm like "see! see! this is what I'm talking about! these are the mix messages that are hard to decipher". And now either one of two things will happen tomorrow. Me and Sean will casually see a movie together, grab something to eat and hang out on Valentines Day. Or Sean will disappoint me again and I will be left to mend my bruised heart once again.
Either was i'm anxious and feeling very miserable right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment