I've landed

My dad had a heartattack.

No F-cking lie.

I hadn't been able to get in touch with my dad since january. Our daily talks stopped and i felt...alone. It sucks not knowing how someone is doing. If they are even alive. Since my grandmother died i have realized the unexpectedness of death, and have silently been bracing for bad news when he stopped calling.

So friday i get a call from my Uncle, my dad's brother, who tells me that my dad has a cell number he wants me to call. Because of the whole moving thing, i didn't call until Tuesday. That is when he told me that he had a heartattack in April. He said he didn't want to worry me(once again something i am hearing often, that i am a worrywart and thats why my family hides things from me). He's taking six pills a day though he assure me that nothing like a heart attack is going to take him out.

Still his reassurances were not comforting. I want to move back so bad. I want to be close to everything that made me happy as kid. I was always that girl who wanted to get out of her home town. I wanted to go to the University of Michigan and be done with Westchester. But i want to go back. i have to go back.

I use to get these feelings like "if i do this, i will be happy". Usually it was like "if i get these shoes i will have the confidence to go out more and meet people and become how i want to be." "if i become friends with him or her i will finally get what i want." i have since learned and am still learning that that isn't the case.

But when i go back to Westchester and walk the same street i walked as a child. Or visit a familar face, i know that is the feeling i want to feel forever. It is of this completeness and sureity of myself. It's that damn feeling of possibility. Of falling in love with things again. Of life again. I don't want to settle on what i have now. Which is nothing.

And hearing about my dad is more incentive than ever to plot my way back home.

We are still moving, which is sucking big time. My brother is being an ass, as usual, and i've have pulled many muscles. Not enough muscles though to take advantage of a new feature on my camera. A lot of jumping invloved.

Saw the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean. Marie asked me to go with her and her man, and i wanted to escape the chaos of the house. Johnny Depp is Amazing, Keira Knightly is enchanting(even if she is a tad bit skinny) and Orlando Bloom stole my heart, and now i must marry him. And then we will move to Westchester and live happily ever after. or something like that.

No more procrastination, must get dressed for round 50 of moving.