April Retrospect/ May Happenings

Sorry for my general lack of posting these days.

Its weird to think that there was a time when I could post once or twice a day and now I can barely even do one lame post a month.

I wish I could say it's because I've so busy and life is so exciting and I just have no time to write but that would be a lie. I have at least four hours a day to write or read or draw silly things while I am at my other job especially now that it is the end of the semester.

The truth is I've been suffering from a writers block lately. I have all these thoughts that want to go somewhere and become something but for some reason I cannot adequately get from thought a to b without this blank space invading it. I also am afraid of writing. I am afraid of documenting things down because it use to make me so happy and bring so much calm and I feel alien to that feeling these days.

I've been writing daily in my moleskin journals but even then my words come out like the incomplete rantings of a love-lorned, angsty, 20 something year old girl. These daily musings are pretty embarrassing, crazy and slightly depressing and I don't quite know how to expand these thoughts into longer more flushed out passages, hence the lack of writing.

It also doesn't help that Spring depresses the shit out of me. Now that winter has officially given way to spring the warm weather, sun and the scantily clothed girls walking about  has brought my mood down a bit.  I remember my mom telling me once that my aunt (her younger sister) suffers from Seasonal Depression and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of being sad because the sun isn't out.

But after living with my aunt for a year I could see the difference in her mood and personality based on the season. She thrives during warmer weather. She is chirpier and nicer and pleasant to be around when the sun was out. When I lived with her she had plans everyday for my cousin and i to go out and enjoy the sun.  Come winter however, my aunt would become the bitchiest of ice queens. She slept a lot. Complained about everything aching. And seemed the most irritated by my presence during Fall and Winter. It was during the end of fall that I was asked to leave her house and while I have never been happier, her moodiness during the last few weeks I lived with her was torturous.

But now that Spring is here and I am feeling more sullen and grumpy then usual, I am beginning to think that I too suffer from some form of this Seasonal Depression thing. I have little to no motivation to do anything now that the sun is out and the streets are alive with people. I'd prefer to stay inside all day, under the covers, and listen to whatever is playing on the television. I have even thought about replacing my lace window curtains with darker ones because I am unnerved by how bright my room is during the day.

I have always been like this partly because of my introversion and partly because of anxiety. While neither have been as extreme as they were in college, they are still things I suffer from. Every once in a while I will have a panic attack at work or in crowded places. I can get absolutely (and irrationally) overwhelmed buy the simplest of thoughts. And lately, I don't feel 'good enough' for any one person. I do not like a lot of people and for that reason I fear not living up to the expectations of the small few I do care about.  And now that summer is just around the corner and I have social gatherings and birthdays and my mom's impending trip to New York (Sean and I are picking her up. Sean is going to meet me mom. I am dying of nerves) I am consumed with the blues. The blues!

While i enjoy all the movement and activity of my current life For the most part I enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I still have very loner tendencies and am exhausted by people quickly. I am afraid that I won't be able to satisfy anyone. I am not sure how to be the me who is quiet and pensive amongst my crowd of very demanding friends. Kat is still dealing with her boy drama. Sean is still confused Sean. My bosses at Le Sad Store are driving me crazy. And there is so much chatter coming from every single person in my very small life that I feel consumed and lost in it all. It is literally wearing me thin. I am going to have to figure out how to balance it all.

The biggest issues as of late is the Kat drama (go figure). The other week she told me that she could no longer talk to Preacher Boy because her boyfriend found out about their late night chats. She was completely and utterly devastated that the possibility of them hooking up was over. She spent the whole week crying. She called out from work. And she told me she was going to disappear for a while because she couldn't deal with having to 'end' things with Preacher boy.

Yesterday we went to see the Great Gatsby. The theater is located around the corner from our store. I wanted to go to the earliest show possible because I wanted time to go home, take a nap before my closing shift. She didn't want to go to the showing at noon. I didn't question why and agreed to go to a later show.

She shows up at my house all dressed up and I am confused. Did i get the wrong memo? Are we not just going to the movies? Is there a dress code at the theater? Why is she wearing makeup. On the way there she tells me that the movie is 2 hours and 30 minutes long and that she wants to stop by the store afterwards. I don't question why because I also want to drop in to check my schedule for the night. When the movie is over she says she has to run to her car to put on makeup. I ask why, she turns to me and said  '...cause -youknowwho- starts his shift in a few minutes. I just want to run in, have him see me all dressed up and you, know, leave---"

My eyes almost rolled up in the back of my head out of sheer exasperation. She coordinated what time we'd see the movie in time to coincidentally run into Preacher boy. So we end up going to the store after she applies her face with makeup so that she could literally walk by him (neither one of them spoke), have him hear us talk about the movie and leave. It was embarrassing.

On the drive home I tell her that I don't want to be involved in any more of the Preacher Boy happenings. I just don't have the energy to juggle my boy happenings and mishaps and shake ups with the back and forth happenings of the never ending Preacher Boy saga especially because I like her boyfriend (he took us both out for crepes and then to the park to watch the sunset just because he wanted to know who his girlfriends best friend is. I mean come on!) and am not really on Preachers Boys team especially because he's married and now a manager at our store. She seemed taken a back by this. And then asked what my sudden change in attitude was all about.

I told her that I enjoy being her friend and hanging out with her but that I can't continue doing this truly immature and childish cat and mouse game with the boys we like. I can't keep enabling her and myself to dabble in relationships that aren't healthy. It just doesn't seem fair anymore. For either of us. I said all of this yesterday. I wish the honesty of my words relieved me more than terrified me. I just feel like I am growing up and I want more meaningful connections and in order to get them I am going to have to be more truthful with the people around me and to myself.

I am going to try and write more. I really want to be able to look back at this time in my life with a record of all the good and bad in my life. I miss when writing was this calming thing. It was a way for me to express in the real world. And now I have all this real world stuff happening and I can't seem to find the words to describe what it all feels and looks like. But I will do my best.