March Madness

March was hectic and lovely and emotionally charged, a little exhausting but above all rather lovely. These pictures are only a snippet of what's been occurring in my life but they pretty much sum up my happenings in a nutshell.

I spent my birthday in the city with Kat. We saw stomp and ate cupcakes and meet a pretty boy named John  and laughed the whole night.

The closer Kat and I get the more fearful I am that she has replaced Marie. I feel guilty and sad that Kat has become such a good friend because it constantly reminds me of the one that I lost. After my birthday we had a weird series of fights. Many of which involved my sudden absence. Eventually I apologized and told her I wouldn't disappear again and that she's my best friend. Because despite my loss Kat has been the greatest best friend a girl can have.

Now that I've covered that lets move on to boys. I've been spending a lot of time with Sean. A lot. After the whole not a date gate I struggled to move past how shitty i felt afterwards. He wouldn't admit that his approach to the situation was wrong and i told him that i didn't think we could be friends anymore.

We spent about a week not talking to one another. I was aloof and he was mean. When we finally had no choice but to work together one night everything came to a head. There was yelling and him doing his stupid "well then why are we still talking about this if you don't me around anymore any". Then there were tears and I told him i didn't like where we were heading because I liked him. And he said he loved me and was afraid of fucking things up more so then he had already.

And with that we made up and boy have the last 3 weeks have been amazing. not perfect but pretty effing amazing.

I am not going to say we are dating (because we are not for obvious reasons) but I will say that when he is around I feel happy. I feel stupid and dumb yet happy. He is over my house regularly watching movies or helping me beat video games and I think i adore him.

Just this weekend his parents were away and I was invited over to his house for a 'slumber' party. We were up until 4am watching shows and talking about everything. I have never loved and been so conflicted by a boy in my whole entire life. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I know that I cannot and will not wait around for him to make a move. But i also know that I can't imagine him not being around.

So he is around. A lot. And that is his dog pictured above. And his couch. And my warm legs under his blanket. And it's wrong. And i am going to get hurt. But i like him.

Winter is slowing melting away and Spring is here. When I am not hanging out with Kat or Sean I am snapping pictures of flowers and exploring my neighborhood. I am a little worried about the warmer weather because of my Dehydration spells, anemia and vertigo but I am so happy for the warmth and the wind and the rain that am making all the necessary precautions so that this year will not be like last.

I am eating better. and sleeping better. and consuming my vitamins. I want to either join a gym or take a class of some sort. Kat and I want to give archery a try even though my wrist is still giving me issues.

Last weekend Kat and I went to mother effing Cirque Du Soleil. It was the most gorgeous show I have ever seen. The theme was creation of mankind. There was a man dressed in a sequined outfit from head to toe. I think he was god. or mother/father earth. He descended from the ceiling of the big circus tent and introduced us to our very own creation. It was beautiful. There were leaping frogs and dancing Native Americans  There were monkeys and the image of water running down a stream. There were people on skates and some who flew through the air. And i cried because it was beautiful and i felt happy.

My life is good. I have my shit days still. I still am sad and blue and misty. But i am happy. And i'm sorry i don't write as much. Sometimes I have so much to write down that I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. But i am doing well. I am afloat. I am surrounding myself with people who are beginning to mean a whole lot to me.

I am experiencing things that are very new and terrifying but I am happy.