Jan Brady Complex

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster and I don't think I have cried this much in a very long time.

Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the current job situation. I am still waiting to hear back from the publishing company and due to my travel plans for Thanksgiving, I would prefer to start a job or continue my job search after November (especially because this year the managers made a real stink about me requesting turkey day off, and I don't think starting a new job will allow me time to go home).

Instead I am stressed about about people and life and wants and desires and general anxieties about myself. I feel as if I am being pulling in a million and one directions from the people around me and I don't know how to reconcile any of this. I recently got into an argument with Kat because she sent me a text Blue Matt sent her a week ago. With his new job, Blue is only able to hang out with anyone after 6pm on the weekday and on the weekends. He has been trying to get us all to go on a group trip to the city; to check out some museums, grab some grub and take pictures.

We were all suppose to (Kat, Blue and I) go to the city next Sunday and possibly ride bikes in central park and then grab hamburger but Blue was starting to get concerned that Kat, who he has a huge crush on, would bail like she has done so many times before. So he sent her a text (or two or five) begging her not to bail because "I like Beckett and all but this is suppose to be a group thing, and it would be really weird just going with her' or something like this.

For the life of me I cannot understand why Kat would send me this text; a text, that I of course took to mean that Matt doesn't want to hang out with me alone (like he does with Kat). While, I know the text between him and Kat was private and he wasn't trying to put me down in some way (by saying he didn't want to hang out with me alone), it was sort of devastating.

When I look at the relationship Blue has with Kat, I can't help but feel envious. Not because I LIKE Blue in any way, shape or form, but because he treats her like a friend he wants to be seen with (or eventually date, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend). On Thursday they always go to the movies, or to grab burgers, or to wander the mall to look at the decorations in Sears. He makes an effort, possibly because he wants to sleep with her, to connect with her even if just for an hour or two a week.

But, I on the other hand, am never invited to do any of these things. By Blue or any of the boys at work. Kat has the way about her that the boys gravitate too. She is an attractive girl, with fiery red hair and yet a vulnerability to her. When she comes around, the boy I could be talking to, will admittedly stop talking to me and go off with Kat. And it doesn't help that Kat loves the attention. She has said before that she wants the attention to be on her, to make other girls (namely the ones she doesn't like) jealous. To put them in their place.

And this is all fine and dandy, except when I inadvertently am that girl. I don't consider myself a homely, ugly, plain, unexciting chick. I think I'm pretty and interesting but I'm not really comfortable in my feminine skin yet (like Kat). I still rock baggy clothes and old school t-shirts. I still say yuck when someone asks why I don't wear makeup and you couldn't get me to wear a skirt if you paid me. And because boys are visuals creatures, I sometimes feel like the ugly duckling around Kat. Especially when the ratio of boys who pay her attention trumps the one or two who look my way.

And i KNOW i am being a stupid, dumb, sensitive girl but some days I want people to be interested in having me around. I want to be the girl who people seek to hang out with. And I hate feeling like the 2nd runner up. So when she me a text of what Blue said I was livid. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T HE WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME ALONE? Am I not cool enough/pretty enough/interesting enough to be seen in public with him? Maybe he just invited me along so that Kat would feel more inclined to come? Why is it that Kat is sooooo damn special? Marcia! Marcia! Marcia

I immediately sent Blue a text saying that I didn't want to ruin his trip to the city and was not going to go. I ignored Kat's text asking why I didn't respond back to her text about what Blue said. I shut down. I internalized. I felt hollow.

I am not so much insecure about myself as i am trying to understand my wants and desires from myself and the people around me. And on the top of the list is being needed by the people I invite into my life. In a way, I feel sometimes like Kat likes to have me around because I am no competition to her. And Blue likes to have me around because it draws Kat in and because I am the funny comic relief that is never the star of the movie but the memorable, fleeting character.

And for the last few days, I have let this whole conversation (and apologizes from both end) eat me up. I cried and cried some more and then sulked because I felt invalidated by both Kat and Blue. And then I felt angry at Kat for sending me Blue's text and at Blue for using me. And then I just felt sad and angry and depressed about everything.

On Thursday Kat and I didn't say one word to each other. She was so gloomy and sullen to the point where everyone kept asking her what was wrong, which only made me feel worse because I was the injured one. And then "James Franco" came in to visit her on his day off (because while i have connected to him on some level, he too has been lured by Kat's delicate, dangerous beauty) and I got all frustrated. So frustrated to the point where I even ignored him.

I like 'James Franco' more than I like to admit. And when Kat asked if it was okay that she begin flirting with him at work, I said 'okay' because outside of the marvelous day in the city we spent together, 'James Franco' and I remain in the platonic friend zone. Which is okay, i guess, because he is soooo young. At 20, our five year age difference seems colossal. I once referenced 'Blossom' in a conversation and he had no idea what I was talking about. It was brutal.

But he is really mature for his age, and sometimes in my dumb girl brain, I wish I was more his type. I wish he would give me the amount of attention he's given Kat recently (he made her a mixcd, I was very jealous). But he doesn't, so I watch occasionally from the sidelines (like the damn runner up) wishing I were in her place as he gushes over her, and touches her hand in a delicate way. And I pine, perhaps, to be wanted.

And after the whole Blue statement, and Kats lack of tact/discretion, and 'James Franco' slight interest towards her I couldn't help but feel like a dumpy, frumpy, uninteresting girl (the whole dreadful week) who no one will ever want (in a friend way. in a romantic way. in any sort of way).

So I ignored him, for reasons that were purely out of jealousy. I ignored him because....of Kat. Because of my issues with Blue. Because of my issues with myself.

But 'James Franco' was not having any of this. While most people (mcabs) allow me to be distant and rude and moody, 'James Franco' was not okay with the silent treatment I was giving him. After three days of complete silence, he interrupted my break today to ask what 'was up with me' and my 'mood' and my 'attitude towards him' (kids got some balls). Just like that, as if the answer was that easy. Luckily we were the only two in the break room, so the way I decided to answer could not get me in trouble or cause anyone to worry

"I'm not dealing with things well right now, and I'd like to feel like shit so I can figure out what to do next. I'm sorry "

"You don't have to be sorry. But I'd like you to talk to me about it, especially if it's something i did, and if it has nothing to do with me, I'd like you to come to me anyway, just because" (paraphrasing, he is only 20 after all)

For some reason, 'James Franco' makes me want to be honest about things, and rarely do people tell me I can come to them to vent. so I say

"Up until three years ago, I didn't know how to go to people and tell them my problems. I don't mean to come off rude or bitchy or distant but I feel like people want me to be someone that I can't, and I want them to be someone they can't and I don't know how to come to terms with our inability to do that".

And he looked at me, wearing his stupid hipster glasses and said the he understood. That I can't worry about trying to be anyone except myself because just being me is worth more than trying to be someone else. And that it's okay to sulk and be in a funk and disappear into thoughts for awhile but coming up for air is helpful to. Talking is too.

"You have my number you know. Outside of this shit hole, you can always call me. I hope you know that"

"Yep"

And with that, he walked out.

How am I not suppose to be attracted to this. How? If James Franco were to barge in on you while you were picking at your food and writing bad poetry, only to tell you to 'perk up, or discuss whats wrong', what would you do? You'd gush and spend the last two hours replaying the scene in your head.

When did my life become a Degrassi High episode. I don't think I can take much more of this.