Damsel in Distress.

I have money woes.

And boy woes.

And other general woes which make me weepy and tired and just plain exhausted from all the thinking, over thinking and fretting.

I am literally the poorest I have ever been in a very long time. All of our hours have been slashed at the store, we've been told not to take it personally, but I cannot understand why I am working these crap 12 hour work weeks. I make enough money to eat. Pay my rent. Go to the movies.That's about it.

I do not like living paycheck to paycheck. It's the worse feeling in the world. I am very responsible with my money. I never buy things just because i want them  (except for the occasional cheap cd/dvd) and even then I don't have enough money to cover basic necessities.

I've been at the store for 3 years. I don't think I should have to fight for decent hours. I feel like I am being punished because occasionally i talk to much to Kat or disappear with Sean for an unseen amount of time. But when I am there I get my work done, I put a smile on my face, I put in a little bit of an effort.

Yesterday, I almost came to tears when I walked into the break room and there was Evil Manager giving an orientation to some new chick. Excuse me? Wtf? For some one who spends the morning or evening shifts emphasizing the lack of hours at the store, why would you bring in a new person. Sure we've lost a few people since January. But I don't understand why she wouldn't just spread out the available hours to the people already there. Instead of hiring someone new.

And I admit, I've been slacking on the job search (which makes my lack of hours at the store even more frustrating. Cause i have the time to actually look for a new job). But I am at a point where I am depleted by the search. I've been staring at the puzzle, mystery for too long and I just need to step back for a while so I can attack it with vigor and enthusiasm again. But with my money situation I don't have time to take a step back and see what I am doing wrong. I have to continue despite my lack of interest in doing so. This has me frustrated to no end.

On the boy front...well, I don't see him that often (because of my hours) but when I do, I am completely and utterly smitten with him to the point where I hate what he is doing to me. I think about him all the time. How can I not when there is so much flirting and touching and eye ogling when we are together. Last weekend, we got away with spending our whole shift together. When I kept trying to look busy he'd ask me to stay with him for a while. For no reason. Just so I'd be near him. And like a chick in lurve, I stayed.

During one of our conversations he was struggling to remember something 'important' that he wanted to tell me. He was doing that 'i had something on the tip of my tongue to say to you, but now i can't remember'. After awhile I told him it probably wasn't anything important and that it would come back to him in time. He turned to me and said 'but it was something really funny to make you laugh. I thought of it specifically because I'd knew it'd me you laugh. I like when you do'.

At this point I don't even care what head he is thinking with. I like him. I like him a lot. I want to smooch and hold him and have him be my boy. I want him to think of ways every day to make me giggle. I want him to think of me when he doesn't have to. Clearly there is a huge roadblock in that department and it leaves me sad and depressed about the whole situation. While he has a girlfriend NOTHING will come of this attraction. And I feel like I am cutting myself short by investing all my energy on a boy I can't have. But in all honesty, i have thrown rationale aside when it comes to him. I am clearly being ruled by my emotion rather than my head.

I feel consumed by life lately. I am stressed about by so many different facets of living in new york, wanting financial stability, wanting a relationship with a certain boy that i at a standstill. I don't know what direction to take. I don't know what comes next. I don't know how to get what i need (a new job, more money) and I'm not sure if what i want is good for me (Sean) despite the insane physical attraction.

And sometimes I wish someone else could just take the reigns on all the issues that are piling up. I wish someone could tell me what to do with the boy and the job situation and the money woes. Head under covers, I would listen intently to anyone that could for a moment bear the weight of this incredible sense of dread cause I don't have a clue on what to do.

I know there are things I can control. I can control the number of applications I send out. I can write more. dance more. take more pictures. I can ask my mom for financial help.I can inquire about my lack of hours. I can stop touching Sean in the break room. janitors closet. and in the aisle. I can Control these things.

But it is the things I can't control that make me feel distressed. and helpless and eager for someone else to think for me. I can't control getting a new job. I can't control the lack of hours the store apparently has to give. I can't control feeling depressed even after a good dance.I can't control my feelings for Sean. I can't control the feeling I get when he sees me unexpectedly and seems generally happy to have me around. Like my face is a break from reality.

Ugh. I am a damsel in distress. And I don't even have a  knight to save me from all the heartache it is causing.