I've been eyeing the new templates for quite some time and I am eager to change the look of things here. I've been a little lax on writing these days. I apologize. I must admit my head is all over the place. My thoughts are constricted. My voice has no direction.I feel overwhelmed more than usual this week. I am stressed about money (lack of), about what to do with my life (I need a Plan G) and men ( Sean, idiotic flirty customers and one boy whose feelings i will have to hurt in. I'll explain later.).
I am a little anxious. A little worn out. And seriously consumed with so many new emotions and wants and desires that I've been taking a break from thoughts because they are all over the place. This is not to say I feel out of control. Because i don't. It's the exact opposite. I feel more in tune with my environment these days than i have in quite some time. I am interacting with people. Trying new things. Contemplating new projects and another tattoo (I want the sparrow tattoo depicted in the picture! it's so pretty. Tattoos are addictive. Everyone is right) Accepting the loss that change brings. For the most part I am taking each day with care and ease.
But I do sometimes feel like I am suspended in the air. Like a trapeze artist moments before I am to take flight. I am dangling from this thin bar of 'what the hell i am suppose to do next' as gracefully as I can. I am filled with uncertainty and anxiety that being at such great heights and expectations brings. I know there is a net beneath me. I know that that all the safest precautions are in place to protect me from harm. But nonetheless the idea of letting go is as terrifying as it is exciting. I am trying to remain calm despite the nerves. despite the fear of propelling myself into the air so i can grasp on to the next phase. the next bar and challenge.
I'm not sure if this feeling of being overwhelmed is a good thing or not. But it sure is forcing me to reassess some things in my life currently. My job continues to suck and I make little money these days so I am shopping around for new employment as usual exploring my professional and creative options. The boy(s) situation is just a hot mess of affections and sexual frustration and possibly one sided emotions. I am trying to get my feelings in check, willing myself against the inevitable broken heart and halting all temptations to get wrapped up in to the well sculpted arms of a boy who isn't mine to have.
More importantly, I am just trying to figure me out. Without my best friend and voice of reason to guide me i feel so lost these days. I have so many questions about life, love and the pursuit of happiness that I want to discuss with the person who knows me best. And she isn't here to do that so I have to go it alone. I am having to figure things out through trial and error.
A very current and urgent example is my relationship issue. My emotions are all over the place and I admit my interactions with the opposite sex has not been healthy. Nothing sexual of course but the tension between a couple of gents (Sean is just the main issue) is more than a little distracting.
Particularly, there is a guy who use to work with us at Le Sad Store who has a crush on me. Like hardcore. I can tell because he looks at me the way I look at Sean. He comes in for a hug the way I hold on to my crush. His hands linger, he says things that can double for other things. While he no longer works at the store he makes a habit of coming in on his break (he works nearby) to stop in an say hey. He'll aisle stalk the store until he finds me and then it's this long drawn out interaction of hugging, flirting and careless words.
It's apparent that he likes me. I mean the whole store knows. And I am not doing much to deter his crush. I admit this. For some reason I am always nicest to the boys I have no intention of ever dating. Which is something I am trying to fix. But now I feel he is at the point where he is going to ask me out and I am going to have to turn him down. I am not mentally attached to him, physically attracted or emotionally interested in pursuing anything with him. And it has nothing to do with Sean. Despite my obvious feelings for him.
The truth is, I am not in the position to be anything to anyone these days. I am only equipped to deal with and process my own emotions and reality and expectations for myself. I am not the same since Marie's death. I'm not. And I'd like to have a grasp on who I am now before I contemplate being someones someone. And in a weird way I'm not just talking about the boy situation, I'm talking about everything in my life. Everything that is requiring me to make a decision. Work, Men, Friends, Writing. I am a complicated, emotional, reckless girl these days. My tears run heavy, my thoughts are chaotic, and some days i feel like i am losing grip on the bar my hands are holding onto. But I'd like to be remain in this position of choosing who and what is good for me based on my wants and needs a little longer.
I'd like to be in the position to control aspects of my life and desires and emotions at my own pace, independent of any one's expectations except my own.
Easier said than done, i know, but I'm working on it.
A proper post soon. I promise. After much needed sleep though. I have a busy week: craft fair, work, babysitting and an awkward dinner party, I'll need all the rest I can get in order to live and document it all.
Until then,
Beckett.
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