Sickly Disposition

Turns out Chicken and Waffles is not in the cards for me this weekend.

I love Spring but Spring does not reciprocate the same feelings and today I am suffering from another bogus allergy/sinus infection that throws any ideas of being a productive and social person out of the window. It sucks, I was really looking forward to Brooklyn. and chicken. and waffles.

Trust me, I have no problem staying home on this rainy Saturday. I got my new laptop yesterday and am sort of in love with it. It's smaller, faster and sleeker; all things I didn't know I wanted in a laptop until this one arrived. I also purchased an amazon fire stick, so i could start streaming live television thanks to Playstation Vue, which is a far better alternative to cable. I am not one for product placements but this shit has changed my life and I am more than okay with staying home and watching live tv for a change.

I just don't like the being sick part. I can't breathe. Everything is clogged up. I feel pitiful and weak and I worry that i wont feel okay enough to tough out the upcoming work week. It's tough enough trying to put on a brave face when I am healthy but when I am sick I am less patient with my co-workers and boss and equally resentful for being a person who works in an office.

Despite the exceptional pay, I am honestly not happy with my job situation. I don't complain about this outwardly because I am super grateful to have a job that allows me to pay rent and purchase a new laptop and amazon firestick all in one day without being poor afterwards. I, more than anyone, am grateful to work and get paid for said work because I lived the alternative, which was worse. Living paycheck to paycheck was not fun. It taught me how to be super resourceful but I couldn't have survived much longer living that way.

So yea, I like having a job. I don't necessarily know what the hell i am doing 40/hours a week, I don't particularly like my co-workers and I think my boss is crazy...but I tough it out week  after week because my life outside of work is pretty good these days.

But this doesn't mean, I don't often worry that life is passing me by while I sit at my cubicle not pursuing things that make me happy. I've been reading too many great books lately and listening to great music and following some talented artists on the inter-webs, and I can't help but wonder when i stopped seeing myself as a talented person in pursuit of something.

I got a super kind Facebook messenger from an old co-worker who wanted to know what I was up to these days. She wanted to know if I was still pursuing my dreams and writing and working towards being the kick ass girl I said I was going to be when I first moved to New York. The message was incredibly kind and something I needed. I often feel like I am waiting around for something big and grand to drop in my lap instead of taking risks. I feel rather stuck in a place of contentment rather than my once fierce pursuit of things. I am regularly asked to contribute writing pieces to various online publications and I've turned them down because I am not sure who I am as a creative person anymore.

It's not so much that i've lost my mojo, I just don't what my mojo looks like anymore and I worried that the days and weeks and months that I spend sitting safely in a cubicle is masking whatever potential i have to do something more with my life. Idk, maybe it's my stupid allergies making my head all loopy today. But It's the only thing on my mind and I lay here in bed, mulling about life and if I've accidentally settled into something that doesn't necessarily fulfill me.

I wish there was a handbook on this being an adult stuff. I could used some advice.