The Halloween Party

On Saturday Kat, our friend Chantal and I attended Justin (and his gf's) Halloween party and the night was interesting to say the least.

A month ago Justin's GF, who use to work art the store, invited a handful of us to Justin's Birthday/Halloween/Housewarming Party. There relationship has evolved quicker than anything I have ever seen in my whole entire life. In the span of a year they've casually hung out, started dating and now live together in a one bedroom apartment with a cat. But they are happy and their relationship works. Out of everyone at that store they seem to have the most functioning relationship. It makes me sick how happy they are. Kidding of course.

Anyway, It became apparent that the party was an invite only sort of thing because out of the +45 people who work at Le Sad Store, only 7 of us were invited: Me, Kat, Chantal, Annoying Guy, Sean, Sean's Cousin and his gf. So I knew I couldn't bail because he only invited people he considers his friends from work and I'm sort of honored to be this kids friend.

Justin is an interesting guy. He wants everyone to think he's an asshole but underneath he's the most considerate and thoughtful person I have ever met. We became friends over shared grief ( his ex gf's committed suicide) and since then we've had a weird relationship. He constantly pokes fun at me about everything and I antagonize him back. To other people it probably looks like we just tolerate each other for the sake of work but I consider him a good friend. We've hung out at diners and gone video game shopping together. He bought me Grand Theft Auto because I was having a shitty week. I am constantly making sure that he has ginger ale around because of his bad stomach. And there was that one time we stopped to take pictures of Ferris Wheels.

He is my proof that while male/female friendships are damn near impossible they can work. So when he invited us to this Halloween/Birthday party I couldn't say no. This boy has done more for me than any other person and I didn't want to let him down. A few days before the party I told him that I was excited and nervous to be going. He asked why and I told him that I don't really do social gatherings. He then reminded me of all the times I bailed on him in the beginning of our friendship and I felt all guilty and stupid because there have been instances when I could have hung out with him and I decided not to because he wasn't Sean or Kat.

Justin asked me if I was going to be alright with Sean being there and I shrugged and said 'of course, why wouldn't I'. Of course Justin and I bought knew I was lying but he didn't press me on the subject. The last month on the Boy front has been -meh. After the yelling match in his car, we've been very cautious around each other. Though I want to punch him in his face every time I see him I try, as best as I can, to keep calm around him. I am polite and friendly. I am funny and present. I am surfacing around him. I am skirting the edge of the surface though I know at any moment I am going to fall through.

But he is a wall. A wall. Any attempt to get through to him has been met with blank stares and a cold exterior. Outside of the brief glimpse of something I saw in the car that night the boy is impenetrable. He is Sean, aloof and not too bright  And I don't expect to know what is going on in his head but I'd like a glimpse. I'd like to know he felt something. And there have been many days where this aspect of Sean has driven me crazy and I lash out at him. But because I can't say what I really want to say I end up getting angry over something small and blowing it out of proportion.  Most nights I go home after an interaction with him and I am a mess of tears and anxieties.

And i guess my behavior and hurt feelings stem from the fact that he was my first Boy and I miss what he was before shit went down. I miss how it was before he rejected me. I miss feeling the potential and possibility with him. Because it was there. It's hard to explain and even write without getting a little upset. I don't ever want to belong to another human being. That is unrealistic. But that doesn't mean that I don't wanted to be needed by someone. it doesn't mean that I don't wish to matter to someone wholly. And in some weird way i wanted companionship with Sean. I wanted him to be my other half. I wanted him to be my significant.

And love/attraction/affection it makes you delusional. It enables you to create things from scraps. It amplifies moments and feelings and emotions that you otherwise would not validate or put so much weight into. It shields you from darkness, if only for a little while. And because of this I didn't care how messy my situation with Sean was because out of the scraps I had something. And up until him, I didn't have anything.

So yea, the last few months have been hard. Harder than I'd like to admit. Because he not only rejected me but he rejected the 'us' i envisioned. He blew the scraps I was clinging to right out of my hand. So naturally when Justin told me he invited Sean to the Halloween party I mentally and emotionally panicked. Every irrational fear popped into my head: that he would show up and ignore me, that he wouldn't show up but mainly I worried that he would bring his GF. Because while I am pretty sure he has made up every thing about her, her existence makes me nervous. Recently I've been having dreams about her, except in them she is always a ghost or a shadow or a person we talk about but who isn't real. And in my waking life I have been curious about this girl because in my mind she is either awful and Sean is a fucking liar. Or she is...better than me. In every way.

Nevertheless, I was prepared to go to the party,fears aside, and just have a good time with my friends. This year was easy on the costume front. I decided to be cat woman (or my version of her) and spent less than $40 on the costume. Kat went as the female version of Rick Grimes from the walking dead and Chantal decided she would be a slutty vampire.

On Saturday as I was getting dressed Sean called and wanted to know when I was going to be there. At the last minute he decided he wanted to go and that he fixed my whip for the costume (long story) and would bring it to the party. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a little bit excited that he was going to be there. Cause I was. But I promised Kat that I wouldn't ditch her to hang out with him all night and to be honest with how things have been I didn't want to give him any attention.

We showed up at the party an hour late (short story. we got lost) and then awkwardly waited outside a house we weren't sure was his. One of us called him and told him to meet us in the driveway and a few minutes later Justin and Sean came outside to greet us. I was sort of surprised to see Sean come out with Justin to meet us. He was dressed in a Star Trek outfit and Justin as a character from the game Bioshock. Sean seemed very glad to see 'us', Justin gave us hugs and then walked us up the driveway to his basement apartment.

The house was packed with about 10-15 people and I naturally found my place in a corner. After a few introductions here or there, drinks were poured and chattering began and I tried to 'ignore' Sean or at least let his face blend into the crowd. But after about 30 minutes of socializing talking to a girl dressed as an adorable leopard, I couldn't help but look around to see if I could spot Sean in the crowd. But it wasn't that hard to find him. As soon as I turned my head away from Adorable Leopard I catch Sean sitting on the edge of the couch, drink in head, starring directly at me. Like intensely.  As if he was lost in the sight of me. I am not exaggerating this. I wish that I was. I'm glad that i'm not. He was starring so hard I thought maybe he had willed me to turn around with his brain.

He was starring at me as if he was surprised by the sight of me. It's hard to explain. It was impassioned and direct so much that that i forgot Adorable Leopard was talking to me. He quickly realized that i'd caught him staring and turned back to the group of people he was talking to. I turned to Kat to see if she'd seen what I saw but she didn't. A few minutes later I am grabbing some cookies from a table and Sean finally approaches me to say hello. He's all flushed (probably from the alcohol) and wants to know why we were late. I tell him that we got confused and ramble on about google maps not being as accurate as we wanted. But he isn't paying attention, not really, because he can't stop starring at me. I ask him what's up and he mumbles 'oh, nothing, I think your cat ears are crocked". I tell him to fix it for me since I can't see what my ears look like and he fumbles so badly I end up just removing them from my head the rest of the night.

He says he has something for me and then goes to grab this target bag in the corner of the living. He fixed my whip, as best as he could, and says he hopes it works. I, of course, am excited that the boy stuck to his word when he agreed to fix it and I show him the holster on my hip that I can latch the whip to. The rest of the night is very muted and weird between us. A group of us settled into Justin's living room to watch the queue of Halloween movies. His couch can sit four people so Kat, Chantal, Leopard and I take our rightful spots. There are a few random chairs scattered throughout the room that Sean and Annoying Guy (who gets completely drunk) sit at.

I am sitting on the end of the couch, closest to Sean's chair and he is quiet and reticent during two movies. Kat keeps poking fun at him because Sean is more awkward than she expected. I tell her to stop and then I turn to him and ask if he is okay. He says 'yes' and then looks at the screen again. I ask him if he is having a good time, he says 'yes' and then turns back to the screen. Chantal gets up to go to the kitchen and grab another drink. When she leaves Sean 'casually' moves from his chair and next to me  on the couch but doesn't say much of anything. He asks what I am drinking and I let him smell that vodka/cranberry mix that Chantal made for me. He asks if he can have some and I let him and then he settles back into the couch while I watch his face for any reaction.

When Chantal comes back Sean doesn't want to move but she threatens to kick his ass if he doesn't ( she is much bigger than him), so he gets up and returns to his seat. After awhile I want to go outside for some fresh air. Sean says he'll go with me along with his cousin Steve (who i'm good friends with). Sean is a lot more comfortable and lively outside. We are out there for about 10 minutes when I say that I want to go back inside because i'm cold. Sean and I start making our way to the apartment when Steve asks if he can have a few minutes alone to talk to me. Sean shrugs and says sure and goes inside.

He wanted to talk because a week earlier I was having a shit day at work (he only works the weekend there and put in his two weeks just recently) and I cried in front of him. He asked if everything was okay and I said 'kind of' and then I told him that I was having an issue with a person I trusted. He asked who the person was. I said I couldn't tell him. He guessed that the person in question was either Kat or Sean based on my relationship with them. When I ruled out Kat he seemed kind of surprised that Sean has been the root of my anxiety and depression. He asked why and I told him that I couldn't get into because he's Sean cousin and because the situation is too complicated to explain. I'm not sure if Steve knows what I am alluding to but he seems to pick up quickly. But I am surprised by what he says next.

He goes on to say that he knows that Sean has feelings for me (what?!?!?) but that Sean is hiding behind his relationship with his girlfriend, that is in fact as shitty as I suspected. Steve goes on to say that it isn't even a real relationship but a half assed one that they are both sort of hanging on to out of convenience. He said that Sean is confused about a lot of things, especially what he wants and what is good for him. He then says that I am smart and talented and funny and independent and capable of thinking on my own and that his girlfriend (that one that I am supposedly less than) is none of those things! None of them! But because Sean is so stuck on the idea of her he doesn't listen to anyone around him when they tell him that what they have isn't healthy or normal. Sean has gotten so use to the routine that he is blinded by it. He can't see the good because he's never had it and it frightens him that he could with someone that is not his girlfriend. That someone being me.

MIND FUCKING BLOWN!!!!!

I was too wrapped up in the 'Sean likes you' statement at the time to take in all the other stuff he said but now of course I have analyzed the shit out what Steve said and I am as confused as ever. But also relieved cause Sean's a fucking liar and I am not crazy. Everything he said in the car was defensive

I ask Steve what i was supposed to do if what Sean says and how he feels doesn't match up because i can't wait for him to get his mind straight. But Steve didn't really have an answer for me. He said one day Sean could wake up and be a man or that he won't and he'll keep playing part time relationship with awful girlfriend and making bad decisions and lying to himself cause it's easier than admitting the truth. He said that I should stay away from him though, create distance, not be available to him if he can't be fair to me. He said also said that Sean has a lot of issues unrelated to relationship ones. He is immature and selfish and angry and that there are better guys out there. Especially for a girl like me.

Of course the moment i want Steve to keep telling me things that Sean will never ever say, Sean comes back out and says he has to drive Annoying Guy home because he is stupid drunk and making an ass out of himself. Steve and his gf decide to go with them and when they leave the party i am suddenly overcome with relief and sadness (he calls again, later that night to apologize cause he forgot to give me something else that he thought i'd like for my costume. It's a skull and cross bracelet). What am i supposed to do with this bit of information. A part of me has been jumping up and down like a dumb schoolgirl who just got the news that her crush likes her back. But the other part of me realizes that this boy may not be good for me. He can be awful. He is not nice and worse he continues to lie to me and himself about our relationship.

I refuse to wait around for him. He is using these last few months before he goes to the navy to 'enjoy' himself but 'telling Beckett that i like her' is not on the list of things and the last few days I've been acting weird around him because i know the semi-truth. On Sunday we went to the Bronx to watch wrestling again. This is the first time we've been back to that bar, alone, since July and i was nervous. And he seemed nervous as well. All the other girls there were coupled up with their boyfriends and Sean and I were afraid to even touch either. At one point i went to grab my jacket and I accidentally touched his thigh and he damn near had a heart attack. He asked what i was doing, I told him i was cold, he then moved his jacket over his legs and wouldn't look at me for two matches.

Even if things don't work out with me and this boy, I feel robbed that we haven't had a chance to see what 'us' could look like because he's too scared to act on his feelings. And I'm not brazen enough to put myself out there again.