Back to the Real World.

So, vacation is officially over.

I arrived in new york yesterday after 15 hours on an Amtrak train. And I am wiped out.

The older I get the more I enjoy going home for a short period of time. When I lived in the south there was always this internal tension regarding my life there.

I despised everything about living in the south: the people, the slowness, the endless stretch of greenery, the boredom, and silence. I just hated living there. When my mom moved my brother and I down south, it felt as if I'd been expelled from New York. Robbed of the experience of being a teen there.

For the better part of middle school and high school all I could think about was what life would have been life for me if we'd stayed in New York. I, of course, imagined the sort of experience the teen shows of my youth glamorized. A nerdy yet adventure fueled existence in a high school that I liked with friends that were like family.

And all of that dreaming and pondering about what life could have been made me shut any and all southern rendition of that life from happening. And to be honest it will be the one thing I regret about my time in south carolina growing up; that instead of just adapting to my situation and making the best out of it, I sort of shut down as I have a tendency of doing.

I think about this now because come august I will have been in new york for three years. Three years out of college and the safety of my moms home. Three years from the state and region I so desperately wanted to leave. And while, I love living in New York after three years I have in some way reconciled with the south I fled.

Going home is miles different than I thought it would be post graduation. It is a much more rejuvenating and calming. Days before my vacation I was a bundle of nerves because of excitement and anxiety. Traveling has something to do with it, but among all of that I was just ready to go home. To my family and admittedly to South Carolina.

You know when you haven't seen someone in a really long time; an old friend or ex-flame, and you get that weird nervous spell in your belly because there is a history you have had with this person, there are experiences forged to be never forgotten with them. And while the two of you have grown distant and gotten older, changed and are shaped different views, moved on and created something new for yourself, when you see them again you want to be presentable. You want to show yourself off to show growth in the face of something that use to define you.

I don't know if that makes sense. Probably not. But I guess what i'm trying to say that going home will forever be like a reconnecting with an old flame. A meeting and coming to terms with something (or one) that I feel has shaped who I am today. And while our relationship was not always the healthiest, while we both hurt and injured one another out of ignorance and fear, I will always have a bond with 'him'.There will always be a place in some crevice of my being that belongs to South Carolina.

And being home was great. I spent some time in Charleston and at USC with my mom before heading home where my brother and three newly adopted stray cats awaited me. I meet my nephew for the first time, who did not take kindly to the weird girl trying to snap pictures of him. He cried most of the time I was there and I made a promise that our next meeting wouldn't be so traumatic. On either of us.

I visited some old and familiar places; a Dam in Georgia, a state garden and a handful of thrift stores that my mom frequents. I snapped photos along the way, too many to be honest and made my peace with south carolina along the way.

The days sort of flew by and before I knew it my vacation had come and gone. Leaving is always difficult,now especially, that my mom, brother and I are finally at places in our lives when the arguments have stopped and we generally enjoy being around us. Where my brother would once ignore me he was actually authentically happy to see me. He bought me lunch and played the Scott Pilgrim video game with me and when I left he gave me the hugest hug ever.

And it is so weird that only 2 days ago I was in South Carolina sitting in the living room with my brother and mom and now I am in New York struck dumb by the humidly but generally excited to be back. My vacation is over but I have the energy to pick back up where I left off. While I am not happy at all to return to Le Sad Store, I was over the moon to see some of my friends today who all received huge bear hugs.

And maybe it's the vacation high, but I do feel as if things will pick up for me. Because going home has a way of lighting a fire under my butt to make a life for myself work here. Not because I don't want to return to South Carolina but because going home reminds me of my purpose here. That all of this isn't for nothing. That the part of south carolina that has made me who I am will be proud of the things I will do here, miles and miles away from home.

I like feeling optimistic about things.

Now, if I can unpack my suitcase that will be awesome. I brought a lot of things back with me and must find a place to put them. Including a handful of books, like I need anymore books in this room. Tomorrow I start what will be six days straight of work so if I get the mess out of the way now, I won't be bothered by it when I'm too exhausted to do much of anything else.

Back to the Real World I go.

Beckett.

Oh, and i'll uploading some vacation photos here for anyone who wants to take a look.