Ugh, What a Week

So this week has been hard. Very hard. Can't you tell via my return to small text. Last month I applied to an internship with This American Life. It was a long shot, a shot in the dark, something I knew that I probably would not get. But that didn't stop me from praying to god every night. I was hoping that getting this position would make my life better. I would be a paid intern at a pretty cool job, I would be able to afford a place to live and finally quit my shit job at the bookstore.

I worked incredibly hard on the application. Turned it in a few weeks ahead of the due date and waited patiently. For a month. And then on Monday I get the email that someone else got the position. Someone who isn't me. I didn't even get an interview. My resume and application weren't even good enough to get me in the door. Depression looms. Why does life suck so bad.

I am really trying to be optimistic here, I know that there are a bunch of people like me (recent grad, no prospects) out here trying to land a job but damn it all to hell. What the fuck. I am so over the struggling and the suffering, and the annoyance of life right now. I am standing on the edge, and I am ready to jump. I don't care where I land as long as it isn't here.

It also sucks that I have no one to go to for all this....Thing (that's what I am calling the tension these days. A malignant Thing) that is building inside of me. I feel like a shell because the insides don't exist anymore. They have disintegrated and left me hollow. Maybe it's depression, it feels like anxiety and more recently pure unadulterated rage. Why can't i catch a break, why have I managed to screw up my life in such a way where my home is a couch and my life is spent working for free or passionless at the bookstore.

And this rage, it's not like anything I have ever experienced before because I am not seething red or taking out innocent victims on the street. I am filled with an array of emotions all boiled into one that pours out in tears rather than screams. But I don't really know how to cry, not real guttural ones any way, so even when my eyes begin to tear up I resist the urge to let them flow and instead suck in my breath deeply and will the negative thoughts away. But they never fully go away.

I have been going along with the motions lately. I am doing quite a job of resembling a functioning human being. But I am tired, and low. very. very. low. And I have to get ready to see another potential room that will be my home for as long as I can stand to be in New York. I am starting to fucking hate this place, and anyone who says differently can....see the random rage! I need a break. I need someone to take me away. I need to take myself away. Where can I run? Where can I go and hide?