Apparently it cost $90 for some old dude to teach me how to drive.$90!!!
I already know how to drive. I have been driving for a very long time. And there is no way that i am forking over $90, for two hours, for some guy to give me pointers. That's $90 i could put in to buying Rock Band.
I'll just have to wing it myself. I thought i was going to take the test on Friday, and my anxiety was flaring up like crazy. I notice that when something is on the line, i freak out. Not in that crazy sort of way, but my thoughts begin a slippery slope of disaster.
If i don't get my driver's license, i will not become a writer because writers have drivers license?
I mean i know it's stupid when the thought comes into my mind, but at the exact moment i am so resolute in my own thought process that rationale is thrown out of the window. After a while, i calm down make light of the situation and approach it from a more realistic angle.
This is exactly what happened when i was writing my short story for grad school. Every comma, period, fragment sentence became a pass or fail thing. I couldn't get through a single word without hearing "this isn't going to get you in, are you out of your mind".
I'm been writing a lot this summer with much more freedom than last semester. I'm taking in account the grammatical and structural aspect of writing. But for the most part it's just writing whatever i want, whenever i want.
Ever since i declared that i wanted to become a writer, I've had to find the balance between my passion and my career. It's way difficult because i am naturally a self conscious person, who is her own worst enemy. When i was in my creative writing class, one of the guys in my group said he wanted to write just like me. It was a consensus throughout from the whole group, but i shrugged the comments off, burying my poetry under paper after it was critiqued.
Writing has always been the spontaneous thing. I don't really think about what i am writing until after i've written it. Sometimes it only makes sense to me, because it's suppose. But then i realize that a lot of people connect to what i write, but knowing that gets me all self conscious and critical. It did not help that i was applying to grad school so quickly, or that did not have a portfolio. So i basically messed the grad school thing before i even started applying.
If i could just stop having a critic in my head, i feel like i would get a lot more done. I may even pass my driving test.
Who knows.
Exciting News!! I literally just got a call 5 minutes ago about a potential job in Greenwich. Holy Mother! She said (the recruiter lady) she read my resume off of HotJobs, and was interested in meeting with me to talk about doing administrative work at an Ad Agency. This is not Random House, but it is a job and money can and will be made.
That is promising news. Very promising!
I've been nervous about money and loan repayment the last couple of days. I have nothing locked down in the job department but am hopeful that something will come up (and it may have). I hate that i'm graduating (which is good) but that i have all this money to pay back (which is bad). I'm looking forward to my new life, and the possibilities that await me but i am still a little scared.
When i think about what i want for myself, sometimes it so simple i feel like it's out of reach. I want good friends, lazy weekends baking pies and taking pictures. Lots of story writing, maybe an outside acoustic show or two.
I want an Art Boy or Rock & Roll boy. I want a job that i don't hate. I want a favorite spot i can go to all by myself, and just sit and think. These aspirations seem simple enough, but i feel like there is a part of my personality that's make them difficult to achieve. That damn critic inside of my head that says "are you out of your mind, you don't deserve those things".
I wish Toby, my Therapist, was here to help me sort it all out. I am looking into continuing therapy in Westchester. It helped me a lot when i was in school, i can only imagine how much it will help me in the "real world".
3 comments:
good luck with the job interview! that's exciting, and awesome - job and money are always a good thing.
if you can find a decent therapist you can afford, i'd recommend it mainly because i failed miserably in my attempt to transition from school to the Real World. and i think if i'd had a therapist it wouldn't have been so bad. my problem was that every pothole became this massive abyss that I had somehow brought on myself. and that's obviously not true. there are a lot of potholes, but - this is a terrible metaphor - if you're a stable enough or sturdy enough car, those potholes are nothing. and you get really good at anticipating, swerving and missing them altogether.
and not that i'm a good substitute for a therapist, but if it comes to that - i'm here.
also: i think you need to practice taking and valuing compliments. having your creative writing class people say they want to write like YOU is an ENORMOUS compliment. i mean, huge. and you should be all beaming and happy about it.
i wonder if it would help you, in terms of how you feel about sending your work out into the world to be read and experienced by others, to read essays by other writers?
Beckett, Congrats on the interview, etc. But I really wanted to talk about your writing. I found your blog when I searched for Ryan Adams and up popped the Best Named Blog In The Universe. So, I read it and was surprised at the quality of the writing. Why surprised? The lack of slang and constant pop culture references, sure. No OMG!!!!! But what is important is what IS in your writing. Style. Classic, beautiful style. Your writing is timeless. No matter what you end up doing, your writing will be welcomed. It's already clean; editors love that!
You need to understand that your journey is just now starting. That's got to be more than terrifying! You don't need to be anticipating troubles and anxieties. Life needs to be lived and you will do it just fine. You have the tools. Go get'm kid!
I think that the best things happen spontaneously, Like inspiration hits you out of nowhere, And you feel compelled to express yourself. I also think that being free to write what's in your head/heart is more productive, creative, and fulfilling. So writing whatever you want whenever you want is a good thing and great practice for future jobs. I agree with frogboots about the whole "practice taking and valuing compliments". You do deserve those things and you can attain those things that'll make you happy. If you allow yourself to but it'll take time and it's going to be hard. See you in space
Post a Comment