After six eventful days in South Carolina with my family, I am finally back in New York grinding away at my job, paying bills I didn't know I had and trying with all my might not to let the December Blues hit me hard. But like most impending Decembers, I am anxious and sad and stressed and sort of a Grinch lately.
While I was home the main discussion was Blue. My mom is elated that there is a potential boy in my life. I don't think I have ever seen her this happy and honestly I can understand why. My mother is terrified that my brother and i will end up alone. She has said this repeatedly not in an insulting way but filled more with fear..i think. She feels like she has raised us to be too independent, too strong-willed, too self-sufficient to the point that we do not know how to maintain relationships.
And if in some bizarre turn of events my mother ever ends up coming across this blog, I want her to know this is not true. I would never blame her for making me an independent, strong-willed and self sufficient human being. I am grateful for those attributes, I am thankful for her continued love and desire to help me grow as a person.
I only recognize now that maybe people have children because they want better for them. It is a chance to do "it" all over again but hopefully this time with better results. And while my mom has never asked when i was getting married or when I plan on having kids...I know this is something she wants for me. Along with being happy and healthy and strong she wants me to be loved and to give love. I think it is her biggest hope for me.
And so far in the daughter department, this is kind of the one thing I haven't gotten right. I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until after college. Unfortunately, Sean took up a significant part of my late 20's and during a time when I should have been meeting boys who were actually interested in me, I stayed with Sean and let him string me along this precarious and fucked up path. By the time it was all over and done with, I developed this very jaded view of men. Or rather, I promised myself I would never develop such intense feelings for someone unless there was a healthy reciprocal response.
And since then there hasn't really been a healthy reciprocal guy i've been interested in. So I've done what I can to enhance other aspects of my life. Mainly getting my own place, buying a car, ending friendships, traveling and trying to be a fucking congruent girl once and for all. And honestly, in doing so I am happier; still anxious and moody and sullen, but happier.
But I'm 31 now. 31, so of course mother time is hinting that I should probably focus on settling down and partnering up. But it isn't as easy as just deciding you want to have a partner. I am not interested in meeting someone online, I am not interested in speed dating, I don't want to scroll through images of a people and hope that our likes match up I've never been interested in searching for something. If "it" doesn't happen organically than I am not really interested.
This doesn't mean I don't want a partner and I don't think about having a family. Because I think i'd be good at both. And in my darkest of desires I want both, I just wish there was more time to figure it all out, for patience and love and comfort. But it feels like my time is expiring on trying to figure it out. It feels like I am already suppose to know what I want, with who I want and make it happen now.
So in many ways this is why Blue seems like a blessing to my mom. Finally there is a nice boy who I am spending a lot of time with who makes me happy. But I don't know what Blue and I are doing. There has been no kissing, no touching or romantic development. We hang out regularly, text daily and seem to enjoy each others company. He has a way of talking roundabout, so I can't really get the sense of his attraction to me as a person or if he is just at that same point in life as well, where he has to start thinking about partnering up and I was an available girl.
Also, he broke up with his on again-off again gf a year ago, and there are still super friendly. I get the sense that he didn't want to end it but it ended anyway and that he still likes her. Or at least wants to be friends with her. I wonder if this is also why nothing has happened between us. I wonder if there is still a possibility between them and he is just occupying an liminal stage with me. After Sean, I am anxious about being anyone's placeholder and this isn't to say I am Blue's but I am still paranoid that I am just filling a space and it makes me insecure and nervous.
Having said that, I don't want this to underscore the last few weeks with Blue. He's smart and funny and sensitive. We have no problem talking for hours and enjoying each others company. He is attractive and serious and determined. And his eyes are just the most incredible shade of blue. I have to repeat this, they are just incredible. But the longer we just hang out, the less I feel like we are moving towards a romantic relationship. Because of our mutual hesitation to make a move, it feels like we are in the cycle of friendship. We'll talk about sex and love and desires for an hour and then instead of exploring it together, we part ways and make plans to see each other the following week.
He literally saw me the night before I flew home for thanksgiving. He showed up at my house after work (he works at a library) and we drank beers and watched movies. We relaxed on my futon and had our usual mix of intellectually stimulating and engaging conversation. We decided that we should see each other weekly, at my house, and watch movies and drink beer and eat food because he liked being at my house. We talked about men and women, and sex and love, and desire and intimacy and then it was 1am and he said he should probably head home and we hugged on the stairs. He was at my house for 6 hours and it ended with a hug.
Yesterday he came over for 7 hours! 7 whole hours and well, nothing happened as well. I hate Sundays. I spend most of Sunday cranky and angry about Monday so I usually spend the day sulking and watching Law & Order but he wanted to come over so I said sure but that he should expect sulking and Law & Order. We ended up watching a bunch of movies, writing some and talking. It was normal and nice and like every other hang out. But like, is there supposed to be more. Is there supposed to be a moment where things just click on a non-friend level. Because right now, it is stock full of convenience and comfort but nothing else.
Of course I am getting a multitude of advice from friends and family. All very mixed and spastic. There are two competing ones at the moment. I should be the aggressive one, make a move, tell him how i feel (even though i am not sure how i feel) and be assertive! Then there is the just let things happen naturally advice. Let him make the move, maybe he's shy and just isn't ready yet. I of course have opinions about both approaches and as I sit on another eve before hanging out with Blue, I have no clue which one to pursue. And i'm getting restless with the anticipation. Will the bubble burst or continue to float.
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