California

When I first moved to New York, I befriended this awesome chick named Angie who seemed to be going through the same "what the fuck am I doing with my life" post college crisis as I was. Everyone seems to forget the financial crisis of 2008, except a) people who lost a shit ton of money and b) graduates who couldn't find a job right out of college. I knew nothing about finance or politics or the real world 9 years ago, I still don't, but i do remember graduating college, moving to New York and struggling to find a real job. This struggle l lasted 6 1/2 years.

Luckily I was the only one suffering. The only job that would hire me was the bookstore and  I was pretty disappointed but glad to be surrounded by other disillusioned people. Post grad life was supposed to be a breeze. I was going to land my dream job in publishing and move to the city and date a cute boy from Scotland (my dreams always include a cute boy from Scotland). I was supposed to be living the life. Instead, my first job was as a bookseller making minimum wage. I lived in a closet sized room at my aunts house (before she kicked me out) AND I missed home. I missed it a lot.

Things only  started to perk up a little when I met Angie. She was a few years older than me and began working at the bookstore after getting laid off from her "real world job". She was this boisterous, loud, funny, awkward, flirtatious, brilliant girl from the Midwest who I immediately got along with. She was my first real friend in New York and for a few solid months we hung out almost everyday. She lived right down the street from my aunts house, so before going home, I'd stop by her apartment so we could drink alcohol and discuss feminism, politics, books, men and pop culture.

I was only ever used to having Amanda  as my friend, I was almost grateful when Angie came around.  I didn't think I was capable of making friends because my anxiety was still very crippling at that time. And all of a sudden here was this girl who was nothing like me who wanted to be my friend. We ate dinner together and spent days off in the city shopping for books and laughing. Sometimes she would even call me in the middle of the night to ask if i wanted to go driving with her. She was a night owl, so we'd take to the back-roads at midnight and just drive around and talk about everything in our heads. It's one of my earliest and fondest memories of New York feeling like home.

During Barack Obama's inauguration, we both took the day off and made "American cupcakes" at her apartment. We camped out in front of the tv for hours, eating red, white and blue cupcakes and crying as we watched him get sworn in. We also did incredibly dumb things, like the  night we decided to rent In the Cut because we heard there was a full frontal Mark Ruffalo scene. After work, we went to her apartment discussed the brilliant book by Susanna Moore and then freeze framed the full frontal shot of Mark Ruffalo as we critiqued his penis and drank Vodka Lemonade.  We both approved in our giggly tipsy state.

Her friendship during those dark post college months made things bearable and when she moved back home a few months later, due to finances, I was devastated. Of course we promised to keep in touch and would visit but it didn't feel the same when she left. I'd only known her a few months but I felt like i'd lost something huge.

Surprisingly, we've managed to stay in touch the last 8 years which is a feat with someone as flaky and nonchalant as myself. She's made treks back to New York occasionally to attend a wedding and she always makes a point of contacting me so we can catch up. We talk every so often during the year  just to catch up and there is an ease and sustenance to our friendship that makes me happy to know her even from afar.

So when I posted on FB that i was heading to CA this summer, she let me know she is now living in San Francisco and would love to catch up! I am excited and nervous about this mini reunion, especially since I know we are now going through the same "what the fuck am I supposed to be doing with my life" stage.

I am reading this book called The Rules Do Not Apply, and so far it's the book I didn't know I needed. It's a memoir about loss. The author loses her child and spouse, and way of life in the span of a year and I think it's about how she manages to confront those loses head on. It's been on my radar for months and I finally got my hands on and spent a few nights after work pouring through chapters. Of course, her writing is beautiful and tragic and I am obsessed with every word because I relate in many ways.

I must admit, I am at a turning point in my life. It's not a crisis like the quarter-life or mid but it is definitely an apex or a fork in the road. Sure I have a full time job, money in a savings account, a car and an apartment. Sure there is the occasional outing, or dinner date, or weekend having brunch with a friend. Sure, I am comfortable and even clear headed these days but I can't shake the feeling of loneliness. Like actual loneliness. I can go days with out social interactions or plans. I have stability but feel starved of an actual foundation.

I can't shake this feeling that I am missing out on the life I really want for myself. A life that is filled with a friends and family and love. A life where I am needed and supported and depended on.

In many ways I have survived loss already. But I never imagined that loss comes in many different forms. I don't miss working at the bookstore, I don't miss Sean, I don't miss the codependency of my friendship with Kat. But I do miss what each represented. I miss belonging. I miss that feeling like never before because I've lost it. And though the bookstore and Kat and Sean especially were never really mine by choice, I miss having friends, i miss having a romantic partner, I miss being apart of a clique and crew and knowing my place.

There is a huge and distinctive loss in my life and some how in living and surviving and fighting for every damn penny, I've lost some things in the process I didn't know I needed so much. And i want them back, not in their previous fucked up form, but in the versions that I deserve and that compliment whoever it is that i am now. And i just don't know how to go about getting those things. They feel unattainable and yet also on the tip of my tongue.

So for now I am just sort of existing and going through the motions even though it's not enough for me anymore. In about a month, i'll be on my way California for a week and I kind of hope when I return I can begin setting things in motion. That I can maybe live up to my full potential (which is risky and scary and gives me anxiety) instead of just sitting on the side-lines.