United States of Whatever

Our last (hopefully) snowstorm of the winter killed my car battery and I just spent an hour sitting in the lobby of Mavis while they restored my baby back to life.

As expected the lure of a snowstorm was quickly replaced by real world annoyance. Shoveling, bundling up, avoiding ice and trying to revive a dead battery. I attempted to call out of work the day after the snow storm because overnight the snow just turned into ice and I was worried about driving. My work from home day was pretty successful so I figured I could manage working from home again.

That idea was quickly shot down by my boss who seems not to like me personally but loves me professionally. It's hard to explain but as usual i'll try. He likes Patricia so much, I think he assumed no one would be able to replace her when she could no longer manage customer service and her new role in the company. Because of this he gave me the hardest time when I first started. He made snide critiques about how long it took me to learn something. He'd reprimand me via Patricia about minute details that i had little to no control over and once he got so agitated by my presence he spent 15 minutes talking to her about how i wouldn't measure up. This all occurred week one.

If you are wondering why I didn't quit then, it's because I was poor. I was struggling to pay my rent, struggling to feed myself, struggling to commute back and forth. I was sick of going on interviews and having to prove I was a competent and good worker.  Everything around me was falling apart: Sean, the bookstore, the university job, my health...so I took the first job that was offered to me and vowed to stick it out. I had no choice. So even after that first week where I was made to look like a complete and utter fool, even when my boss treated me like I did not belong there...i stuck it out.

Of course, I quickly proved that I was a good employee but  also much better at Patricia's job than she was. My boss and Patricia tried to continually find errors in my work only to come up with....nothing. Despite my anxiety and general discomfort with people, I excel at customer service. I like being helpful, I like resolving things. When given a task, I am willing to go above and beyond to complete it. So at work, I am a champion employee.

Patricia resents this because it makes her look dumb and my boss refuses to accept that he was wrong about me while also taking all the credit for how great of an employee I am. Because of this how he treats me vs. how he talks about me are two different things. I feel like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am praised for my work, I am told how much of an asset I am but he always gives me shit if I take a day off and has reprimanded me for minor errors. If i make a spelling mistake or answer the phone a ring too late he expresses legit disdain.

On Friday he raised his voice at me because I wanted to handle a client situation in a way that would provide a permanent solution not a temporary one. He did not like this one bit and felt inconveienced when I offered a solution that would require more work then he is accustomed to. He didn't chew me out or yell at me, but he definitely raised his voice and attempted to put in my place which was unnecessary. This exchange happenned the day after my failed attempt to call out. He called me 10 minutes after I sent in my "i'm not coming to work today email" and offered to pay for my cab ride to and from work if i came in. "it's better if you are here" he begged and like an asshole, I went in.

I am frustrated by my job. It's is a poorly run, disorganized place that just happens to pay well. I am anxious to work anywhere else, especially since my skills are sort of exemplary. I like working, I like being useful, I like being good at something and because I am not so great at a lot of things, being a great employee has to suffice for now. But I am worried about the economy, I am worried about health insurance, I am worried about being laid off, I am worried about making a big change in this 'climate" and having things come crashing down suddenly.

I live in a perpetual state of real world anxiety. I am finally providing for myself and strengthening my skills. I am finally on the path to a healthy, stable life. But that seems up in the air now. I want to find a new job, a job that will turn into a career for me. I want to buy a home. I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to travel and see the world. And I can still do all of these things, sure, but it isn't without a level of complete and utter dread.

I never really understood how closely my quality of life was related to the stability of my country. But now I know and strongly believe that it is. I am afraid to make any moves in any direction because I am fearful of: war, economic collapse, isolationism, populism, racism. It's absolutely insane and yet here I am...unable to move. Paralyzed partially because of instability.

This summer my mom, brother and I are going to California. We've been planning this trip for a year. The tickets are purchased, the hotel booked and plans solidified. I am excited but also terribly nervous. I keep talking about the trip as if it isn't going to happen. As if some calamity will prevent us from heading out west in a few months. I hate that I live in this state of preparedness. That things are so bad I a) cannot appreciate the good (i'm going to California!) and b) that I am expecting things in the states to get worse.  Worse than they already are.

I have to find a way to channel my anxiety because right now it is paralyzing me. I am unable to take any of the big steps I finally feel prepared to take because of what is going on around me. But I want to miss out on opportunities: growth, love, adventure and hell even a new job because of things that are out of my control. I have to find a way to breathe and live while the world I know and love unravels.

Safety in Numbers

Moving forward I have to remind myself not to engage (or attempt to engage) in arguments on the intervwebs.

This is going to be hard because I am not going to lie, I have been very tempted to voice my oppositions these last 24 hours but I want to continue spreading a message of unity and safety (even though I've wanted to gut punch the universe).

Outside of Instagram and Facebook I have stayed away from the news (though I just received a text from my mom about the protests going on around the country). It's not that I want to be sad in ignorance but I am trying to come up with a plan to help "us" best move forward and the news distracts me from that message.

By "us" of course mean everyone. Not just tiny, plaid wearing, combat boot steeping self. I mean all of us.  But even this is hard to do when the message I want to push forward isn't on the same page with the anger, frustration and of course violence that is occurring at the moment. Or the silent, passive, acceptance to juxtapose the latter.

I had to hold myself back last night from responding to what will be the most frustrating aspect of this post-election shock: silence and passivity. Unless you are a racist, sexist, misogynist who actively voted for Biff because of the racist, sexist and misogynist campaign he ran...do not tell communities of color, or women, or lgbtq individuals, or immigrants or Muslims or environmentalists, or poor college students or whomever is freaked the fuck out right now to "accept" what has happened and be quiet".

There is nothing more infuriating then ignoring the concerns of people who have been targets of discrimination and bigotry before, during and after his campaign.  It's like watching your neighbor's house burn down and telling them to "be quiet"  as they are visibly distressed and in need of help. I am that neighbor right now. My house is burning to the ground and I am freaking the hell out. So if I am telling you that I am scared and in need of help, validate my fears and offer assistance. Do not silence me. 

Last night I made the mistake of surfing Facebook and came across an old co-woker who posted this to her page:

Seriously the election is over. Whether you agree with Trump or not, he is who won the election. I'm tired of the only thing I see or hear about is the election. I get it that a lot of people are pissed but...

I just want to see posts of puppies and food again...

                           Or holidays. It's 2 weeks til thanksgiving and like 6 til Christmas. That's just insane.

No. Just don't. Please don't. That is not what we need or should hear right now. I am glad there are people who live in a bubble where they some how feel they will not be affected by Biff's presidency but those people are a very very very small minority. They may go down in history as the only minority group that doesn't have to worry. But the rest of us, the rest of us are scared and despondent. The rest of us feel without hope. The rest of us are watching our backs awaiting something bad to happen. As a human being, please hear our screams and feel the warmth of our tears and empathize with us right now.

Do not tell us to focus on puppies and food and the holidays as to not ruin your privileged existence. Do not. That has, so far, been the only moment I have felt physically angry these last few days. I mean of course I have seen the posts about people dealing with sadist racist and sexist and xenophobic hate  since Tuesday. Of course I watched the video of children chanting "build that wall" to their Mexican classmate. Of course I viewed the image of college students adorning black-face on snap-chat with a confederate flag in the background.  I have seen it and I am appalled but not shocked.

What shocks me is that more people are not openly offering their assistance, patience, empathy and solidarity during this time. What shocks me is the silence. It is so silent everywhere I turn. And it's disheartening because I feel so small and tiny. I don't know at this moment how much support I am capable of providing.

The other day I reached out to some Facebook group and asked if they needed any volunteer help. You would think the word volunteer would suggest that I am willing to help out without getting paid. The response I got back was "We commend your ambition and desire to help but we are not actively hiring at the moment. Right now, you could try and help us get more likes on our page and we'll keep you in mind when an opportunity does arise".

Facebook likes? what the what.  I was willing to hand out pamphlets, lick envelopes, print copies! I don't want to recommend a page for other people to like. What good is that. How does that help the helpless. My response back wasn't so diplomatic but I was frustrated and tired and at a loss. I want to help but how? And what will be the most useful (and productive) form of assistance that I can offer.

Right now wearing a pin of solidarity and unity is my first step. I want to make sure that everyone who has been a target of Biff's rhetoric knows that they are not alone and that I am a person who will go out of her way to help. We have to reject the divisive language that got him elected and the best way to do this is to shut it down if we see it or hear it. I am most serious about this. I have yet to encounter a situation where I have heard or seen something but I am on the lookout for it and plan to reject and challenge it head on.

I also think (as proposed by my cosmic twin) that there needs to be designated safe zones/places that vehemently reject racism, sexism and discrimination and will protect or defend anyone who feels threatened or scared. I was proud as hell to see my local rock climbing gym send out a Facebook message designating themselves as a  safe place for all individuals. This inclusiveness and unity is the reminder we need that people will not tolerate intolerance. I can only also hope people themselves can also carry and spread this message.

If you see something or hear something do something.  Be there if your black or brown friend is afraid of walking home alone. Be there is your gay or Muslim or immigrant friend doesn't feel comfortable in their classroom or out in public.  Defend any women who experiences vulgar sexual advances by some prick who thinks his ownership of a dick allows him to behave like one. I understand the protesting and the disbelief that is going on right now but I'd hate us to lose focus. I'd also hate for us to forget that hundreds of senators and congressmen and local officials have our backs and can't sit by and watch bad things happen around us without saying and doing something. Our main focus should doing the same but on a small and more local scale.

I am going to spend most of the weekend trying to organize my thoughts and turn some of these things into concrete initiatives. I don't even know if my small attempts will make a difference to anyone but I will definitely try and keep trying. We owe it America to give Biff a chance to prove all of us wrong. We also owe it to America to hold him and everyone accountable if he slips up or fucks up. If he fucks up, I am allowed to call him on it. Don't silence me. Stand with me, be patient, listen and help me help us move forward together.