This weekend calls for me to be social butterfly and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. At all.
Lately, the only place I enjoy being at is my house. in bed. with my finicky cat and dancing games. When I'm not at home under the covers trying to rid my thoughts of the boy, I am struggling to connect to my friends.
I am struggling.
It's weird and slightly pathetic that I placed so much of my own happiness in one person but I did. Especially someone who turned out not to be right for me in any sense. But he has crawled into my skin and I can't go a day without him being a part of my thoughts. I want plans, I want to be happy, I want to go out with my friends and laugh but I also want him to be a part of those things.
Which even writing that seems stupid and crazy because when he was here he drove me nuts. He wasn't my guy. But when he was around I at least had a grasp on him. I always had my fingertip on the edge of him. And now he feels out of reach because he is physically, emotionally and mentally.
I feel like I have lost him. I have lost the possibility of us. I have lost a tomorrow. Cause relationships, why we keep them why we struggle to have them, are about the future. They are about plans, they are about happenings, they are about the little glimpses of a life you can see having with someone. And when you stop imaging that with a person things tend to fall a part. Cause what's the use of hanging on to something that isn't ever going where you want it to go.
Before he left it's all I kept telling him. That this life he has chosen for himself doesn't include me. I'd like to the girl who waits for him while he is sailing across the world. I'd like to be the person he comes home too. I'd like to be his reason for being safe. I'd like to be a face he falls asleep too. But I'm not. I never was.
At least while he was here, however faulty and fucked up our situation was, I saw a short future with him. I blindly thought I could show him how much I cared about him and he would come to his senses. I thought that he'd go away to boot camp and come back ready to pursue something with the me, the girl he waited. But lately, these are not the thoughts I am having. This is not a future I want to place everything on because the reality is it could not happen.
He will go through boot camp without ever contacting me. I won't get letters from him or the short phone calls telling me about his day. I wont get the invitation to graduation or the honor of standing next to my dumb sailor with a proud yet anxious smile on my face. I wont' get any of those things. I wont ever get to be a part of his now or then. And for the last 11 days these thoughts are what I've been hanging on to and mourning and missing the most about him.
It's the realization that our story does not end with me being the girl who waited and got what she wanted. Instead it is the story of the girl who never was.
I haven't been able to talk to anyone about Sean or our relationship or why I am so fucking miserable because a part of me doesn't want to and a part of me doesn't know how to. But lately I've been very despondent and just not myself and people are starting to notice. The other night my friend Justin, said I look sad all the time. That for the last month or so I look out of place and lonely. And I don't have a proper response to this because it's true. I am sad. All the time. And I don't know how to un-sad myself.
Luckily, my friends have been very patient with me even though I have been resisting any and all social activities lately. They know I need time but that I also need plans to pull me out of this lull. Kathleen wants us to take up archery and pole dancing next week(the latter is a long story...but it's a thing I have been interested in for a long time). I've made a new friend at work who wants to grab drinks and food this weekend. And Michelle is throwing a Sherlock Holmes party because season 3 is premiering Sunday and she is pretty obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch.
I am a little overwhelmed by the level of togetherness that will occur this weekend but I can't pause and be sad forever. Right? I can't. And I worry that the longer I stay in this lull the less patient people will be with me. I can't risk losing the people who care about me in favor of a boy who doesn't know how.
Le sigh. Wish me luck.
2 comments:
you ARE mourning. grief at loss is grief at loss, and there doesn't have to be a death for that to happen. It's okay to be a social cocoon and not a social butterfly.
it sounds like you had a pretty intense time with the Boy before he left...which is good AND bad, I expect. My old pal (and for a very long time, my pathetic unrequited love) went through boot camp while I was in college - we wrote letters. He has since said that boot camp was pretty lonely and weird and any contact with home was hugely welcome. so. see if you can find out how to send letters. OR decide to cut off the boy for good.
Over time, it won't feel as sad and lonely and empty.
Be careful that you mix your alone-in-bed time with a little bit of socializing, but also remember to give yourself the time and space to feel sad and unhappy. If only wanting to be in bed lasts for too long, then I will feel incredibly anxious that Depression is/will take you over. There's a difference between mourning and depression, but I think the one can trigger the other (well, duh. i KNOW the one can trigger the other. it's where I've spent the last two and a half months).
Staying over at your house and watching porn together? oh my dear girl, what the HELL is wrong with this boy?? i wonder how his gf is coping with his absence...and i wonder how she'd respond to hearing one-tenth of the things you've told us about you & sean.
and fucking navy. taking away hot boys. my old, ongoing, not-really-a-thing-except-I-think-he's-kinda-perfect-except-for-he's-just-not-into-me Art Boy is in the Navy. On some monstrous ship in the Pacific Ocean. It's...so weird.
i do wonder why we can't have the boys we want. or why the boys we want can't be the boys who are right. or why the boys we want don't want us. or why EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SO DAMN COMPLICATED ALL THE TIME.
there's a small parcel on its way to you, by the way. posted it on wednesday. should show up anytime now.
hopefully it will make you feel a teeeeeeny tiny bit better.
enjoy the socializing. You have some interest in Benedict Cumberbatch as well, I believe, so that should be fun. Work on living in the present - when you're doing a thing, DO THAT THING with all your mind. don't think about the Boy, or any imagined (or real) past or future. Dwell on benedict cumberbatch. be a little silly. do what you need to do to feel okay.
and i'm glad you have your awesome cat to take care of you while you're sad.
The goodbye exchanges between the boy and I were very tough. There was crying and confessions and awful restrictions. He owned up to some aspects of his shit personality but at the end couldn't make up his mind about what he wants to happen between us. We left off sort of ambiguously. I definitely want to send him letters while he is away. I gave him a journal of my thoughts for Christmas and he loved my writings. But i worry that this is another example of me giving him my all and I getting nothing in return.
Le sigh. it's tough. In his mind, he doesn't think any aspect of our relationship is weird. To him watching porn and all the togetherness, sleeping over, touching and going to the romantic depot for stuff and our many other excursions; including ice skating where there was hand holding and twirling, are normal things two people who aren't dating would do.
And in my mind they aren't. They are things to do with someone you are interested in or are dating. And he couldn't merge his feelings with his actions. He did admit this but not when it came to our relationship. The boy is very confused and lost and i shook things up for him. I don't think he was expecting to feel how he felt so he rejected it instead of giving me a change.
And i thought the same thing once Sean joined the Navy. We are def sharing the same experiences with two very cute but complicated boys. effing navy.
I got your package today in the mail! thank you! thank you! thank you! i've been feeling like crap and i came home last night to your gifts. i'm on my way to the mall now to shop for clothes <3.
I know i've been distant these last few months, i blame the boy and i, but seriously your friendship means the world. I don't know what i'd do without you.
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