Sullen Girl

It's been one whole week since Sean left for Boot camp. A whole week since he boarded a plane to the Midwest for nine weeks of Naval Training. A whole week since I tearfully said goodbye to him both in person and on the phone. And in that week I have been moping around like a person in mourning. Outside of wearing black, i am experiencing what feels like a form of grief. Everyone keeps telling me I look sad and sullen and despite my attempts at putting on a brave face, I must admit sad is the only one I've been able to wear well.

Last Wednesday at work Preacher Guy, the married manager Kathleen had an affair with, asked me if I missed Sean. The way he said it though was so fucking annoying "so do you miss your little friend..tee,hee...I bet  you miss him" that  I wanted to gauge his eyes out. It was especially annoying because he knew Sean and I were close. To what extent? no. But he knew we wanted to move in together. He knew that we were closer than work friends. He also gave Sean and I disciplinary write up this summer because our relationship was preventing us from doing our work.

So I was little more than annoyed when he asked me a question he knew the answer too. Instead, I tell him that I just talked to Sean the night before and that missing him hadn't sunk in yet. This must have unnerved Preacher Guy because this motherfucker clears his throat makes a face and says "you never told me Sean had a girlfriend, I wonder if she misses him too" followed by a dumb accusatory grin.

I wanted to cut his fucking face.

 I wanted to walk up to him and whisper that I know he , a married Preacher and manager, hooked up with my best friend because according to him "you only live once". I wanted to punch him in his fucking gut because he of all people doesn't have a right to question my relationship with Sean. I wanted to grab him by the face and tell him if he ever mentions Sean's name again I will destroy him. I will tip the scale of his well manicured life and I will take everything away from him. I will do so with my words. I will destroy him and I will not blink once when the carnage hits the walls. I will spoon feed it to him.

But I don't say or do this.

Instead, I am so caught off by what he said I stammer for words. I say 'sure' Sean has a girlfriend but it's not my place to talk about their relationship now that he isn't here. And then I spend the rest of the night fuming.

My relationship with Sean was very complicated. And luckily I don't have to explain that to anyone except myself. Outside of this blog and the friends I've made here, I don't feel the need to talk about the boy to the people I see on a daily basis. I want him and what I had with him all to myself, mainly because it's hard to describe to other people. It's hard to describe for myself.

December was one of the best and worst times for the boy and I. In November I went home for Thanksgiving and asked the boy if he could drive me to the airport. He agreed but accused me of nagging him about it when I kept reminding him that I had to be there super early so I wouldn't miss my plane. After one such argument I told him I would let him take the reigns on getting me to the airport. I would stop nagging him. He spent that night at my house, we got little to no sleep cause I was angry at him about using my phone to call his gf and in the morning he refused to leave until he got breakfast.

When we get to the airport Sean drops me off and says he has to run because his gf said he could come over to her house on a Monday of all days. I'm not even on the curb before he speeds off before she changes her mind. When I go to claim my ticket I'm informed that my plane has already boarded and will be leaving without me. I start crying and I call Sean cause I don't know what to do. He says he can't do anything for me and that he dropped me off like he said he would but that it's not his fault I missed the plane.

What the fuck.

I only had a few moments of pure panic before my fight or flight response kicked in. I hang up on Sean immediately. Went back to ticket claims, got re-routed to another plan to South Carolina and made it home eventually. When I get home my mom is pissed at Sean. My brother is pissed at Sean. Everyone at work who sent me 'are you okay, we heard what happened texts' is pissed at Sean (Because he should have never left the airport in the first place. He should have made sure I was all set to go before he sprinted. I would have missed the plane either way but I would have had support while I waited 5 hours).

 Sean called a million times while I was home but I avoided his calls and put this in the 'this boy is really a piss of shit' pile. When I arrived back in New York he was super apologetic but in the back of my mind I kept thinking 'if I had been anyone else' that boy would have got me there on time.

For the bulk of December our bad days revolved around the Thanksgiving shenanigans and other Sean is a douche behavior.  He'd do or say something idiotic that would cause me to feel replaceable or small or insignificant and I'd blow up at him because in his last month before he joined the Navy I wanted all of him and he was still only willing to give me so little.

And I'm not going to lie, I was a pain in the ass some of the days. My jealousy and envy were on an all time high. I felt like I was competing with a million and one people (mainly his gf) for his attention and care. And even when he gave it to me it didn't feel like that was enough because he'd act like our relationship was normal. But it wasn't. It was a little sexual but definitely emotional and Sean seemed to diminish the validity of how intimate being emotionally attached to someone is because I don't think he's every been emotional vulnerable before.

And even now I feel crazy because it felt like we were dating even though we weren't. We hung every day, he called every night before I went to bed to make sure I didn't have bad dreams. He spent nights at my house watching movies and internet porn. There was touching and innuendo's. There was crying and honest talk. There were missed opportunities and talks of the future. We went out with friends together, he'd pick me up at my house so we could then meet with everyone else. I hung out with his parents. We planned on spending Christmas together.

But there was also weekly screaming matches and name calling. There was the night I ran from his car and he looked all over town for me and when he found me he cursed me out in the middle of the street and drove me home. There were constant reminders, from him, that he still was with his girlfriend. His last night at work we got into the biggest fight ever, he said I was the most annoying person he'd ever met and I said 'annoying because I want you to treat me like a person".  When things were bad they were bad and when things were good they were great but there was no in-between because we weren't dating.

Before he left last Tuesday for the Navy we hung out at my place and exchanged late Christmas presents. He bought me the box set of a show we watched at his house this summer and I gave him a leather wallet with his favorite quote and a journal of my thoughts. It was a journal of everything. I told him that I loved him. I asked him to stay. I said goodbye and then he took off this necklace he was wearing and gave it to me because it's his favorite thing and he wanted me to have it. He called the next night to talk and then the day he left for Illinois he called me from the hotel to say goodbye again.

The last two weeks he was home I was in constant contact with him. And now he is gone. And it feels weird. I feel alone. I miss him a lot and no one around me is able to make whatever I feel go away. There is a part of me that wonders how he is handling basic training. I wonder if he is sleeping well, because he doesn't. I wonder if his back is okay, because It hasn't been. I wonder if how he is handling the homesickness, because he's never been away from home before. Before he left I told i worried about this most of all because he'd never been alone before and as someone who has it something to adjust to.

I keep having dumb dreams regarding the distance. I miss the sound of his voice before he wished me goodnight. I miss seeing him at work. I hate not having plans. I don't miss the feeling of being alone. Not one bit but I've withdrawn a little from anyone who has offered company. Instead i've been spending a lot of time sleeping and playing Just Dance 4. I keep looking at my phone hoping it'll ring so i'll hear his stupid dumb voice. But I know that won't happen not for a while or maybe not at all.

 Mainly I've been in turmoil because this could be it for me and the boy. However fucked up our relationship was it was...something. It felt like something and now he's going to be away for 2 months. He is going to be a sailor for the United States Navy. When he was here I barely had a grasp on him and all I can think is that when he gets out, before being deployed wherever, he won't be coming home to me. And there is a part of me wanted more than anything for me to be the person he was returning home to.

There is also a part of me that hopes while Sean is in basic training he'll come to his senses and realize that I was something good in his life. That he loves me and wants to be with my fully. Buuuuut, the realistic part of me knows he has had every opportunity to realize this before he left. I feel awful and anxious pining for a boy that won't choose me when he returns. The more probable outcome is that he will graduate from basic training, return to his fucked up flakey relationship where not much is required from him and I will be without him. And this is why I am sullen and sad. Because the longer he is gone the dimmer the possibility of me and him becomes. It feels like whatever life I envisioned for us left with him and I feel stupid that I gave him everything. I gave him all of me and it feels like I have nothing left.

I know this feeling wont last for long. But for now it's a dull ache I can't shake.