Unfortunately the snow did little in the 'pick me up department' to well, lift me spirits. While I spent the better part of the snowstorm under the covers with my remote controller near by (a perfect day in my book), I am still lethargic and dragging by these days.
I wouldn't go as far as to say I am depressed. Emotionally drained, yes. Mentally spent, probably. Tired, overworked, and a little stressed and ready for a small break from it all, definitely.
The last few weeks have been so weird. I feel completely run downed and a little outside of myself. Suddenly things that had little concrete interest to me; relationships with boys, money (and how I can make more of it), building solid friendships with people and a desire to wear dresses and nail polish, are pushing their way to the forefront of my mind. And I am completely ambivalent about all of this.
I love the word ambivalence, because up until I saw Girl Interrupted I'd misused the word to describe my nonchalance about things. But Ambivalence, as Susanna Kaysen doctor points out, is about conflict, opposing feelings towards something or one, some event or situation. And I must say I am feeling a lot of ambivalence lately about everything.
While I am madly, deeply attracted to 'James Franco' it is sometimes hard talking to him because at 20, he has not yet been jaded by experience. He has several tattoos; one on his arm, one near his heart, an idea to get one on his side about optimism and living life to the fullest. Which I totally get and appreciate. But there is something about being 20 that makes you feel like you conquer the world. Hell at 20, even with all the anxiety and depression, I was convinced that I too would one day take the world by storm.
But our age gap is making me realize a lot more about myself than I would like to admit. Of course, like 'James Franco" I still maintain that I will conquer the world with my sheer awesomeness, i'm a little more practical about how I want to go about doing this. I realize now at 25 that I have to work to be the person I want to be. And that even applies to creating my own version of happiness. And who knew that my wants and aspirations would look so different from what I want now. And I am sort of conflicted about it all. Like how do I handle all these new things that I suddenly want as a person in her mid 20's.
I no longer want to do some of the things I thought I wanted at 20. I am not so much looking to run away from my problems. Hell, I still want to move to England. I still want to travel and write extensively, but I know now that that takes a lot more than looking through travel books and mentally booking tickets at night. I know that everything, is more of an orchestrated ordeal rather than a 'spantaneous happenstance'.
Moreso, I crave stability on a both an internal and external level now that I actually enjoy planning things about with concrete goals. I want to be comfortable in my own skin along with being able to support myself as a something 20. And that includes having a stable, non retail related job. That includes figuring out what I want to do with myself and who I want to be. And sure I don't have it all figured out, but everyday I am learning what I like and what I don't like in order to concentrate my energy.
And oh, and I'd also like to date and have a boy that is mine and mine alone. I'd like to create and write things I am proud of, I'd like weekends off to shop for groceries and check out library books. I'd like to have friends and not worry so much about getting to close.
And more and more these wants are reminders of where my life is going and what I am, in a way, leaving behind to make room for all the new things. And I am not sure if I am completely okay with this. I am fearful and worried and wanting to fall back on the my damaged safety net in order to escape having to deal with my opposing feelings about where I came from (shy, introverted, anxious gal) to where I want to be (introspective, confidant, funny gal).
Case in point: Relationships. All of a sudden, i am all 'I'd really like a boyfriend', 'I'd really like someone to have around'. And unlike college, where no boys, ever showed an interest in me ever, I am suddenly surrounded by single guys, some of whom I wouldn't actually mind dating. And I have no idea how to go about doing this.
"James Franco" aside, because he is truly truly to young and literally said "I'd like to hang out with John (a cool ass employee) but I'd don't think he'd take kindly to my self-indulgence and all about me conversation', there are some actual contenders in the boy department. Some interesting, silly and dumb, dateable guys who'd I'd like to hang out with and get to know. And it is weird suddenly wanting this form of intimacy ( a closeness with someone on an emotional level ) that use to scare the crap out of me. That use to cause me to freak the hell out.
In fact, everything current life change feels strange and new to me. Like who the hell is this girl with my face and voice and plaid t-shirt, wanting everything I use to want (to travel, to write, to be understood) suddenly also wanting a place of her own (while I love, love, love my current living situation, I know in a year or two I would like to be able to afford my own studio apartment), a boy to cuddle with and friends to hang out with on the weekends. Who is this girl, who bears my resemblance yet whose desires are strange and new.
And the answer is it's me of course. It's always been me but like an awakening the image that I have for my life is just coming into view and I'd like it to to be a tangible thing to have, if I can just push past the fear and trepidation of really, deep down inside, of wanting to belong to something finally. Of wanting to have a life for myself that is completely, independently my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment