'Not Without Your Permission'

So apparently I find these four words very attractive when said from the mouths of cute boys. Seriously.

A week ago, Cool Ass Dude from Work, said he was getting a new desk and was going to have to put his old one in storage unless he could find someone to take it off his hands. Despite my initial fears of collecting a lot of things, when he said this, I immediately said "I'll take it, I've been wanting a desk in my room for a while now'. I am pretty comfortable with my living situation and until I get a job in the city (where living closer will be both cheaper and lighter on the travel thing) I have every intention of remaining at my current place for at least another year.

And because my brain and heart knows this, I want to decorate and personalize my room as much as possible. I want to bring a sense of calm and comfort to my home away from home and a desk is just the touch I need in my space. Because I really miss having a desk; having one has always made me feel more productive, cause lets be honest when I use my computer in bed i get little to no work done. I play the sims, watch videos on youtube and surf the net for things like 'scottish slang', no lie.

So we agreed that as long as I could find a way to get it to my place the desk was mine. And luckily I know a lot of people with cars and convincing them ( 'I'll buy you pizza) was easy. Cool Ass Dude dismantled the desk on Wednesday and McAbs (who he is pretty good friends with) brought it in his car today during the mandatory 8 o'clock store meeting we seem to have every year (it was BS, we all looked so rough the rest of the day). Of course when McAbs told me he had my new desk in his car to take back to my house I was a) excited ya'll and b) anxious.

McAbs, in my house, in my bedroom, near my personal items. Oh, hell no.

My relationship with McAbs has evolved into a decent friendship since Summer. He still has a girlfriend and I'm still not a scandalous whore so we remain friends, with the sexual tension of Mulder and Scully (Bones and Booth pre this season) looming overhead, who joke around, flirt and bicker. No one seems to get why we get along. Kat shakes her head at us two a lot, as if she is exasperated with the amount of back and forth banter we have. But generally I like McAbs. So he can be a totaly douche sometimes, so he talks about SEX a lot but...we get along, and we have each others back and he buys me lunch sometimes. It's fun having him around. I treat him like my platonic work boyfriend who I can come to when customers and driving me crazy and I just need someone to talk to.

But this is not to say that being platonic friends with him is easy. Because it isn't all the time. There are some days when the boundaries seem to blur and we have to pull away to remember that he has a girlfriend and I am not a boyfriend stealer. We have never (ever) gone beyond hugging and an occasional kiss on the check but even that seems wrong and we both regret it afterwards.

So when he said that he would drive me home after the two hour meeting to drop the desk off, I sort of freaked internally. My room is my sanctuary. It is my solace away from the world, I rarely invite people over because I feel like my space my divine space that cannot be corrupted by another person (outside of family; including the people i live with, they are simply amazing). And inviting McAbs into my space, seemed almost too personal. Having him close to my bed, and my books, and my dumb writings seemed...invasive. Because He is so masculine and often brutish and crude and I imagine things crumbling around him if he were to enter my room (wow this all sounds very sexual, i apologize).

But I really wanted that damn desk. Cool Ass Dude sent me a picture when he first mentioned he wanted to give it away, and I already picked out a spot in my room to place it. And McAbs schedule rarely coincides with mine, so I wasn't sure he would be able to bring it any other day. I was actually shocked when he said he'd brought it all because he made such a stink about the desk possibly messing up his car. So with a willing McAbs available to do all the grunt work, I put my fears aside and said 'yeah, sure we'll totally bring it to my house". With a few rules:

Because my landlady and daughter and older son (who doesn't live here) usually have Saturday breakfast together, McAbs would have to bring the desk upstairs and then, using my exact words, 'get the fuck out my house'. My landlady is sorta religious and her daughter is only ten, so i didn't want to give them the impression that I was bringing a boy over to do....adult things. And McAbs was cool with this, cause he was being lazy and didn't want to put the desk together anyway.

When we get to my house we've already established a game plan. I'll grab the detached desk legs and he'll grab the desk top and back. We'll make our way, quickly, upstairs as to avoid weirdness and then he'll 'drop that shit and go". Right.

Of course the moment we open the door those plans are all but shot to hell. Nicole, landladys 10 year old daughter, hearing my voice from inside the foyer is waiting at the door with the cats, our new puppy, and a shocked expression on her face at the sight of me....with a boy. I introduce McAbs to a now smiling Nicole (who is giving me the 'who is this' face) and am a little shocked by how comfortable, sweet and charming he is to her. The dog, who is now loose, runs into the foyer to smell McAbs who is struggling to hold up the desk but manages to pet the dog until he runs back to Nicole.

Nicole is talking to McAbs a mile a minute, introducing the dog, and herself again, and giving me a 'seriously who is this' face. But he remains, very friendly, and approachable and I am taken aback by this side of McAbs. After a few more exchanges between Nicole, I begin to make my way upstairs, once I realize our plan is getting all screwy, but McAbs does not follow. He is still in the foyer, nodding at something Nicole is saying and nudging the dog with his shoes (which the dog loves)

Me: "Hey why aren't you following"
McAbs: You haven't asked me in yet?
Me: [longest. pause. ever] When did you become a vampire.
McAbs: Who do you think I am, walking into a house without being asked. I need your permission first. I can't come in without your permission.

I am a little stunned by this. This is a dude who has openly talked to me about everything under the sun. This is a guy who I often have to say 'I think that's enough information'. This is a dude who expresses little to no interest in boundaries. And yet, there he was in my foyer, unflinching, unmoving, until I invited him in. I couldn't believe it, so much that, I walked back down the stair and gave him a 'are you kidding look' but he wasn't, and the desk was visibly heavy and he wouldn't budge. not until i permitted him.

Me [heart. slowing. beating]: Fine. You have my permission.

And it was like the veil that was preventing him from entering had been lifted and he crossed the doorway into my house, taking care to wipe his feet.

Oh. My. Word. I think I literally may have, briefly, falling stupidly in love with his comment. Who, asks permission to enter someones house. And yeah, he may have just done so because Nicole was there and he didn't want to barge in, but it was terribly sweet. Terribly.

When I was in therapy, I describe anxiety as a house. A big beautiful house that, of course, I didn't allow any visitors inside. It was a guarded, fenced off, escape for me that fed into my own fears about myself and my placement in the world. And while I feel less anxious and depressed than I did in college, those aspects of my being will never go away. I remember telling my therapist that only few people were allowed into the house of anxiety, that I rarely invited visitors in. And it had/has much to do with a fear that they would trample on all the delicate possessions that I stored within the walls.

So when McAbs asked for my permission to enter my safe, guarded, house (without any previous knowledge of my anxiety)....my escape from the world...it was like a promise that he would leave it just as he entered it. That he'd just stay for as long as I allowed and then go when it was time.

And he did exactly that. We brought the desk pieces to my door, where he laid them gently in front of my locked door and then asked if there was anything else I needed him to do. Of course, I said no, (nicole was still waiting on the stairs, peeking up at us two) and I walked him to his car, after he said goodbye to everyone (including the damn dog).

And I know, I know, I know that it's wrong to think of McAbs this way...but goddamn he was such a sweet, sweet boy today. And I felt so safe having him in my house, with my things, that he tenderly made sure not to destroy.

I'm such a sucker for dumb, nice things, boys do for me. And despite what anyone says about the nature of our relationship, and how odd the two of us are together, I can't help but respect that he respect my personal space. That literally, he took the time to explore swiftly yet delicately my guarded surroundings only after being permitted to do so.