Counting Down the Days

I am not ready for Halloween this year. Not one bit and surprisingly, I am okay with this.

 There was a brief window of time when I worked at Le Sad Store where Halloween was sort of the highlight of my year. I'd anxiously count down the days until the big day or at least the big events surrounding the holiday. I think my last exciting Halloween was at Patricia's house (before she became my arch-nemesis) and hung out with people from work dressed up in ridiculous costumes, drunk as can be and for the most part happy.

But that was 3 Halloween's ago.

The last two Halloweens have been dismal for various reasons. The year after Patricia's party was the first Halloween in my new place and I was too poor to do much of anything. I ended up renting a bunch of movies from the library and eating candy all day.  Last year, I was supposed to go to the Halloween parade in the city with Kat but she had a complete and utter meltdown the day of because her costume didn't fit, so I cancelled the parade and Halloween and just sat at home and watched scary movies all night.

This year, I was so focused on buying a car that outside of Comic Con, I didn't plan much for the remainder of October or Halloween. Friend break-ups are legit like romantic ones and honestly this my first Halloween without Kat. She was usually the one who came up with holiday themed activities. So this might explain why October sort of flew by and now here I am on the eve of Halloween with nothing to do. I don't even have a super cute work appropriate 'costume' to wear.

And I know, I know, there is still time to pull this weekend together. Heather texted me super early this morning and asked if I wanted to run errands with her. She is at the moment my only real friend, so while the temptation to stay home and watch scary movies while eating a lot of food is very alluring, I recognize my need for social interaction. Regardless, I still said I was "busy" but that next weekend i was down for errand running and shit talking for sure.

Soon after Heather's early morning text my aunt (oh my aunt) asked me if I was going trick or treating on Monday.

????

I shouldn't have to explain that I am a 30 year old woman who hasn't been trick or treating since I was 12 years old. I shouldn't have to explain why it is completely ridiculous to ask said 30 year old woman whether she plans on trick or treating Monday. I can only assume (and hope) that my aunt's idiotic question was more of an attempt to gauge if I were willing to drive her and Michelle around Halloween night and not an actual assumption from my aunt that after work tomorrow, I am going to hit up a bunch of neighborhoods for candy wearing a costume. I can only hope this is what she meant.

Of course I sent a reply back immediately stating that "um, i'm way too old for trick or treating". She didn't respond back, so I am half expecting a text tomorrow afternoon  my car services (tho Halloween seems to be the one holiday that doesn't require a car). This year has been equal parts great and exhausting and maybe my disinterest in Halloween in many ways is a result of this. Instead of living in the moment I found myself counting down the days:

I am counting down the days until this shit show of an election is over and the country can return to normal. But even then I am not sure what normal is going to look like. Just the other day a stranger spit on my friend as he was coming out of a store. My friend often cos-plays as Chef from South Park if you need to know what he looks. This older gentlemen was wearing a Hillary for Prison t-shirt. No words at all were exchanged preceding the event. He just saw my friend and spat on him. This is not the America I know and love, this is not the America I want to live in .

I am counting down the days until Thanksgiving. I am heading home for the holidays and will get to hang out with my nephew again. He's 5 now and adorable and asked me a few weeks ago when I was coming over "grandma's house to play with him". I need these yearly visits home. This restore me and remind me who I am and where I come from.

I am counting down the days until December: cold, grey awful December. I still get very weird during the first two weeks. I replay everything leading up to and after Marie's death during those weeks. It's impossible for me not too, her life continues to play on this loop and I haven't solved the big puzzle of her death that I think would relieve me of the grief I experience especially in December. I am sullen and sad and unreachable, so i prepare for the depression like I would a store.

And finally, I'm counting down until News Year. I find the holidays stressful. I am smothered with expectations of Christmas miracles and New Year Resolutions. I hold my breath every year as the countdown to midnight begins. And I pray anxiously that when the clock hits 12, that everything can just restart or rather fall back into place effortlessly and that the previous is just a series of memories that I can look back on fondly but also move past with grace.

But I am nowhere near the strike of Midnight on New Years Eve. Instead here I am the day before Halloween, stretched on my couch watching shitty horror movies, eating way too much pizza and playing the numbers game on when i think I will finally relax and live in the moment again.