You're Welcome

Today i was scheduled to come in at 10am, but I got a frantic call from my manager at 8 asking if I could possibly come into work 'like now' because two people called out and she had no one to get the store in order before the bookstore officially opened at 10.

Of course I couldn't say 'are you fucking nuts', i was scheduled for 10, I'm not going to come in an hour and a half early. But I didn't. Instead, I put on the first pair of work pants i could find and then threw on a rather raggedy sweatshirt and went to work an hour early.

You would think that I would get a 'thanks Beck, you're a life saver' but as soon as I showed up she threw a million and one things my way and the rest of the day I felt in the pits.

There is a terrible soul sucking feeling that occurs via working in retail. 1) you get shit from customers, as if your whole life has led to this 'big achievement'. Oh, look a job working in a bookstore. you're mom must be proud is that look I often get from people and it's infuriating. When someone spells the word 'and' in front of your face as if you have never seen nor heard the word before, you can't help but wonder what the fuck you are doing with your life that it has led to this.

Secondly, there is no reward (on any end) for your hard work. So you came into work today an hour early and spent much of your shift manning down the fork in the children's department, customer service and the cash register, who cares. Not the managers of course, who still give you shit for telling an old lady you could put a clearance item on hold for her (apparently that is not allowed). Not from your employees who are for the most part very intelligent slackers who can go hours talking about a zombie Apocalypse but putting a book away on a shelf...Christ no.

I stayed an extra 30 minutes after my shift ended because there are a bunch of new people who needed help working the phones and the computers. Well, actually it was one new person and his name is Rick and boy do i have an uber crush on him (more on that later) but still. At the end of the day, I still didn't get a 'thanks for your hard work' from anyone. Not even the manager who asked me to come in and help.

And yet, I can't move on from this place. There seem to be no jobs, or rather, no jobs that want to hire me. And I am not taking this to heart but it's beyond frustrating. And of course everyone is starting school this semester. And they are all bummed that they have exams next week and essays to write on 'dead poets' and I want to smack them all in the face and say 'hey, you could be slaving away at a bookstore working minimum wage. Shut up'

I really miss being in school. I really miss the feeling of progression. That there are people supporting my ideas and concepts and the exploration of....things. I hate the drudgery that is my life and the people that I am around. And for once I can say that I am over this 'real world' thing...and have decided to go to grad school.

For real.

I know my past attempts have been without real sincerity. I didn't take the application process seriously and may have waited until the last day to turn things in. But, professionally I am not where I want to be. I can't find a job and internships are financially not possible. And because I rushed graduating I know I never utilized the many services college life has to offer. So yeah, while I still look for a job to pay the bills I'm applying to grad school. I have a couple of schools in mind and have requested grad information to be sent my way. I will have to take the GRE again (argh!) and I will have to find some people to recommend me (double argh) But yeah, I feel good about doing this.

The real world sucks. I have no immediate place in it. Grad School here I come.