Seeing A Pattern?

I am sending out my grad shit on Thursday. Not that I am any closer to finishing this story then I was last week but I have to send something. And potential is better then blank pages.

As I struggle to finish, I am realizing a sort of pattern. When it comes to story writing and deadlines I may or may not wait until the last minute crying my eyes out at odds hours in the night while I develop severe headaches that make me believe I am having an aneurysm only to realize that it's anxiety preventing me from writing a story and nothing more.

I bought a cool book a few weeks back called A Writer's Space: Make Room to Dream, to Work, to Write. It's actually pretty good. I'm not one for self help books, but this one teaches you about separating your conscious self from your writing self in order to write creatively. I had to read it last night, while I was panicking again because well...I always panic.

I put too much weight into everything and because of this I procrastinate and freak out. Marie and my mom have been a great support as I struggle to finish this story but the truth is they have their reasons for this invested interest in the completion of my story They both want me to be closer to them for a few more years so I can take away some part of their loneliness. Writing of course, again, has become an all too daunting task to think about.

I can't wait til this crap is out of my hands and sent off. But even then, if I get accepted will the next two years be this filled with anxiety? Or will I somehow learn to overcome all my mental road blocks and just learn how to write freely and without all the pressure?

I don't know but a miracle needs to happen in the next two days. That's all I'm saying.