Applying Myself...One Day At A Time.

I apologize for the lack of posts lately. With the days until my grad school stuff being due, I can think of nothing else these days except finishing this story and turning in all my materials on time.

I actually submitted my application today. Unlike most schools, where you can submit all of your materials on line, I have to mail in my story, statement of purpose, and academic paper directly to the school. This is a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it creates a deadline for me, it's bad because...now i have a f*cking deadline. The materials have to be in before the 15th which means this sucker should be sent out no later than next Monday.

Crap.

The story is coming along, but because I am so self critical of my work I am doing way too much editing and not enough writing. I have yet to master the art of writing something all the way through and working with particulars later. It didn't help that I had the flu last week which took me out of the writing mood, and it doesn't help that there are some family issues going on now, which is sucking the energy out of me.

I of course have been living with my aunt and her daughter since August. For the most part it is okay and convenient because I do not have to pay rent and I get a room to myself. My aunt is a person who constantly needs someone around her and I don't think she gets that i am a person who needs her personal space. With my older cousin in school, I stay in the spare bedroom. This is amazing because I get to shut myself away from my crying cousin and my very (very) delusional aunt.

Apparently, this is an issue for her. She wants someone to talk too about decorating and clothes though she doesn't have the money for either. She wants someone to watch tv shows with and window shop with, which I don't mind but not right now as I struggle with this story. When I was sick, I of course stayed in my room for two days. This was both out of sheer exhaustion and because I didn't want to get Michelle and the rest of my family sick.

A couple of days ago, my mom talked to my grandmother on the phone, who wanted to know how I was doing in New York. My mom of course told her that I was sick for a couple of days but that I was recuperating with no help from my aunt. My grandmother, who must have talked to my aunt some time during my sickness, said something along the lines of "well Beckett was secluding herself in the bedroom (as she always does), how was 'she' suppose to know that she was in there sick". This is hogwash.

I understand that I live in her apartment, but at the same time I pay for everything else. I don't use her phone, I don't use her Internet (sorry to the person I am stealing the Internet from) and I pay for my own supplies (food, clothing, yadda yadda). I babysit all the time, I don't bring people over to the house, I clean up after myself, and I never (NEVER) borrow money. Ever since we moved into this apartment I have enjoyed my personal space, and with the whole grad school thing looming over my head, I need it more then ever.

My mom was very pissed by my grandma's comments. Especially since she knows how difficult and vain my aunt is. Regardless, I am trucking along even though I feel like an inconvenience in her home now. As if, she'd rather I be anywhere else but in her very dysfunctional home.

I don't plan on staying here much longer. My application is due in April the 15th, and then I seriously have to start making some plans. Angie, who cannot afford to stay here either, may be moving back to Kansas soon. She too has lost her excitement for this place and she is sort of looking forward to being anywhere but here. She is giving it until the middle of April, and if she doesn't find anything by then her dad is going to move her home. I will miss her, but I understand the choices we have to make for ourselves in order to remain sane.

I know that I don't want to live here. Right now, it is just not the time for me. Once my application is in and I see if I get accepted or not, i plan on going home for a while. If the grad school thing works on then I'll start my life again in small town USA, get an apartment and two cats (named Dylan and Jack) and grow as a writer in my program. If i don't get accepted, which is a possibility, then I'll try something else. I can teach abroad for a year, finally move to Maine, maybe write for a small newspaper (that hasn't gone out of print) or try my hand again at publishing. Who knows

The future isn't so scary because while I evaluate my time spent here, I know what I don't want in my life which means I am a few steps closer to figuring out what I do. I guess.

Fingers crossed that I don't drive myself crazy with this story.

Fingers crossed.