Closing Time

I thought I would never get out of the bookstore tonight. Even though it was a pretty slow evening ,in regards to sales, the floor was trashed.

I spent much of my time in the kids department, where I shelved some books in between writing down phrases that made no sense outside of my own thoughts. Writing drives me crazy some days. I don't know what I am saying, or how it sounds out loud. I seriously need to get into a program or at least a workshop.

The last two days have been rough. On a good note I didn't quit my internship. I get like that sometimes, i freak out and I want to bail from a situation that isn't going quite how I imagined. But after a fun filled Friday where i train hopped and visited Brooklyn I realised that I have a pretty cool gig, even when it sucks. Plus Adam stopped by and his computer geekiness makes my heart pound.

On Saturday however after my great internship day, I got a horrible haircut that makes me feel less like a woman and more like a boy. It's severe and I have been wearing a bohemian scarf ever since to hide my displeasure with it. Along with my new short (short) do I am still pissed at Angie. Okay, pissed is not the right word. I am disappointed that she forgot my birthday, and I am more disappointed that her saying Happy Birthday (or in my case not saying it) means something to me. I pretty much ignored her calls until Thursday because I remembered that her boyfriend was flying into town and that she would need someone to talk to about it.

She sent me a text asking where I had disappeared too, and I replied with some bullshit "I've just been busy". Still forgetting the whole birthday thing she wanted to know I was still up for going to the MoMA. I suggested some weeks ago that we go to the MoMa as a birthday present to myself. My mom gave me money for my birthday to do what I pleased with it and I haven't been to a museum since i got here. If all looked good (I told her), I wouldn't mind paying for her ticket because I didn't want to go by myself and it would be a fun birthday thing.

After a few more conversations she wondered if her boyfriend (who at the time was thinking of coming down) could tag along. I said sure, of course, why should it bother me. I guess I didn't know if this meant I would pay for his ticket too but the closer it got to my birthday the more excited she was that I was treating them to a nice trip to the MoMa. What the Fuck?!?!?!

Lets do the math for a moment. MoMA admittance is 20 per person. A train ride to the city is 17.50 round trip/peak hours. So I would be spending a whopping $77.50 (my train ride + our admittance) to feel like a third wheel. Something is not right about this. For the last couple of days she had been bugging me about the museum. Her boyfriend is in town and he is totally excited about going. She knows that we both have tomorrow off and sees this as the perfect time to go to the museum. I do have tomorrow off. But I was not playing on heading into the city. I was not planning to do anything along those lines.

I was planning on going to the library, grabbing some books, buying a pizza pie from my favorite place and writing my story. That's my plan. It does not revolve around her or her boyfriend or an exhibit of Georgia O'Keefe (which is pretty amazing). It's going to be my day far removed from that.

I know that I would be the third wheel or worse I would feel so miserable that she would no longer want to be my friend. I have a tendency of bringing a room down with my sullenness, and I know that i would be so pissed at the situation I would not be good company.

I've been passive aggressive about the whole thing. I keep telling her that I have things to do but if my day lightens up a little I'll let her know. In all honesty though, when she calls I will ignore the ringing of my phone. I'm too broke, pissed and at a loss of hair to entertain anyone.