Until We Meet Again

I'm really not into oversharing these days. Or sharing at all if I'm being honest. As someone who started this journal 17 years ago, I am struck by the years I spent pouring my heart out on the internet. I love that I have entries from 19 year old me to re-read and in many ways relive the person that I was then. But while I love the memories I have to forever look back on, I also struggle to journal and compose thoughts publicly at 36. I feel more protective over my words and my life experiences more than ever despite wanting to write my every thought down and connect with people who still care to read them. 

There is this brilliant moment in my favorite show Fleabag where the main character who spends the entirety of her 2 season arc breaking the fourth finally decides she no longer wants or needs to do that. Prior to the last few minutes of the show, she constantly looked at the camera (us) (her audience) to share her inner most private thoughts even if they make her look awful. Fleabag saw us watching her fuck up relationships, and mourn her best friend and mom and fall in love and make a complete ass out of herself all the while letting us in on the journey with a slight glance or smirk to the camera. She was messy yet lovely and every glance towards the camera felt like an inside joke between shared friends. 

But then she falls in love and she starts to heal and she is still messy and troubled and a little slutty and crude but she's finally on the path to being okay and accepting whatever life has in store for her. So after two devastatingly beautiful seasons of allowing us in, and breaking the forth wall and having an audience of peers to look after her... she takes one last glance at the camera, wishes the audience goodbye with a smirk and walks away. And you don't feel bad (sad but not bad) in this moment because you were just happy to walk alongside her as she worked through her shit for however long she needed us there for. 

And if I can be honest this feels like that point in my life in regards to Everything Was especially as I struggle to write or even attempt to maintain an online journal. I can't tell you the number of entries I have started and then abandoned because I just wanted to experience the emotion or event rather than documenting it. And not just here...on every social media platform I have no desire for exposure. I have no desire to make sense out of everything at every turn. I am enjoying just existing, however painful and beautiful that is. And because of this,  I just want to soak up everything slowly and quietly. I barely use any form of social media anymore because I don't feel the need to share everything as much, if at all. I also so desperately wish to protect the good and bad moments because I am more equipped to deal with them head on and with the support systems in my day to day life. And while I do have mostly great things happening in my life (new job, new apartment, and an adorable new kitten named Langston ) and one not so great thing (grief) I want to handle them with care and tenderness because for once in my life I feel capable of doing so.

Which is hard to finally admit since I started this journal at 19. This journal is almost as old as I was when I first sat down to type my first entry.  I was a socially anxious, depressed college sophomore who had no friends and a crippling addiction to the Sims at the time. I was also painfully alone with no one to share my thoughts with during moments where I needed someone to share them with. And this continued consistently for almost two decades. Something would happen and I would want (almost need) to share it with my unseen friends (you) because I knew you all where there supporting me through every embarrassing and sometimes lovely moment.  I wanted to bring you all on the journey as messy and chaotic and sad as it was because you all made me feel seen when I was at my most shattered. 

But as I continue to share less and less and less of myself online I realize it's because I am growing up and healing and loving and being loved and that maybe, just maybe, I am okay enough to exist and figure IT out as everything comes to me. I am still a bit shattered by life and confused and shy and sometimes insecure but I am also incredibly lucky in a lot of ways for the things I do have and the life i am living that continues to surprise me. I love and feel worthy of love like never before and I can't thank you all enough for caring for me when I didn't think I was capable of either.  

So is this goodbye? I don't know but it definitely feels like a glance towards the camera, with a comforting smirk to let you know that I am okay and that your presence has meant the world to me. It definitely feels like a wave that says thank you and I love you and that I hope we meet again. You all  reminded me every day that I wasn't alone and even though it's time for me to exist and live out of frame I am grateful every day for this space that allowed me to find a path forward towards healing. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to share my best and worst self with you. But it's now my turn to live outside the lens I created and become an unseen but supportive friend. It's my turn to be present in my life and quietly observe from afar when and if you need me, for however long that is. 

And for the people who walked alongside me for so long I can't thank you enough, you will always be home to me. This space will forever be home. 

Until we meet again, 

Beckett Amelia Hughes. 

36th Year

 

via GIPHY

The last four months have been trying and I honestly don't know what's in store for me. I got a new job, a new apartment and lost my dad all in the span of four months and I am flabbergasted by the tremendous loss and fantastical changes in my life. I am optimistic for the new year but holding my breath at the same time. I am not only asking for the remainder of December to be kind but life in general. I could use a break and the universe owes me big time. 

 

Death With Dignity

Two weeks ago my dad passed and I keep trying to write this rather eloquent and reflective post about the month leading up to his death. But words fail me. Dying is not a dignified act for the living. For the dying maybe but for the rest of us it is lonely and isolating and snot filled. It is both quiet and loud. It's moments spent realizing that no matter how old you are the death of a parent shatters you right down the middle.

When I am able to process the last two months of my life I will cathartically share what losing my dad was and is like. Moreso for myself than anyone else. But until then all I can muster is this: two weeks ago my dad passed and there are equal parts relief that he's no longer suffering and sheer agony that he's gone. 

5 Years Later

 Right before Halloween I received a unexpectant phone call from Sean. Yes, you are reading this correctly. Thee Sean: who I thought I was madly deeply in love with only to be crushed by the reality of our relationship and his narcissist ways.....that one. 

Since cutting off all ties with Sean I have not thought about him much which I know seems impossible since he was such a huge part of my life 5 years ago. As you all know I loved the shit out of that toxic boy for reasons I don't think I'll ever fully understand. I think my grief had something to do with it along with my lack of experience romantically and perhaps my inability to set boundaries. I know that this sounds like I'm placing a huge chunk of the blame on myself but in reality I am aware that there were so many red flags about Sean that I just ignored because I mistook the blurred lines as evidence that he loved me. 

I am a person who loves hard and while this is beneficial in many aspects of my life it comes with a price. My empathy often gets the best of me and I have loved people who were incapable of loving me back. This isn't easy to admit because I possess the knowledge to have healthy relationships yet I still find myself in certain patterns that deny me them. I recognize this with Sean and Kat and Matt and even Tim. While I have really great relationships with other friends and family there has always been that ONE person that I invest all of my attention to. This person is my Favorite Person and I bend my boundaries and make exceptions for them because of this pedestal I place them on. MY day to day can be very dependent on them in some facet because this person usually fulfills my desire to exist in a partnership that is co-dependent because I mistake it for belonging. 

It has taken 34 years to get to the realization and even still I struggle with managing this knowledge and applying better boundaries so I do not give so much of my agency to one person. Right now that person is Tim and I can't help but note the similarities between him and my previous FP relationships. My mood can be highly dependent on his to the point where I am distraught when we have a falling out. When things are consistent and good between us I feel elated and whole. But when they are not I cannot function: my brain is simply hyper focused on "saving" us. I sacrifice and dedicate all of my time to him and boundaries have flown straight out the window. 

On top of that Tim lives with Bipolar and his moods can be erratic and at best unpredictable. And I am not using the term bipolar disparagingly to mock his moodiness. Tim and I have talked at length about his diagnosis and how it impacts his life and relationships. He has outbursts of anger, depression and hyperactivity that are a whirlwind. He is easily triggered by reactions that can turn a normal conversation into a circus. But honestly that extreme seems very cyclical and follows a pattern that I, at least, have learned to catch before it's released into our world. For the most part our ability to communicate when we need space or if we are having an off day has resulted in a relationship that with building blocks of boundaries that are stabilizing the kinks. Quarantine has helped immensely because it has forced boundaries that otherwise would not be set and this perhaps is the main thing that has strengthened our friendship and hopefully has set a different course than the past ones. 

There are times though where we both slip back into bad habits ( I have a covid thanksgiving tale for the ages) and it feels like all that work is for naught but I guess where Tim and the other FP's differ is that we have gotten better at communicating with each other and our relationship doesn't feel one-sided. With Sean he was absolute favorite person to be around but our relationship was one-sided and at times did not feel real. It embarrasses me a little to admit that how I felt and how I acted may not have aligned at all with how he felt or responded to me. This isn't to say our relationship did not exist OR that any aspect of it was fabricated but I recognize that how I tell our story will always favor my narrative. It's always going to be how I saw it and how I lived it because I only have my POV to rely on. 

Journaling gives me a little security in my retelling of events because I tend to record entries immediately after something has occurred. And when Sean was in my life, I was constantly writing about him and everything going on. But there have been moments post Sean where I can't help but wonder if what occurred between us was real or exaggerated based on the evidence. While I felt deeply for him how he treated me did not match up to what occurred so that must mean that what occurred was somehow not real. It's almost like having two versions of the same story presented to you but there are pivotal differences that distort the narrative as a whole which makes you reimagine the plot. 

When I first met Sean I didn't like him at all. He started right before I headed home during that summer my aunt kicked me out (about 3 months) and I recall thinking he was uninteresting. When I came back that Fall I was confused when he gave me a hug and welcomed me back to the bookstore because we only had a few conversations prior to me leaving. I remember being unimpressed by him and befriended a ton of other people soon after my return. And then there is just this big gap between him being a co-worker that I was cordial with to him being a person I thought I was in love with. I'm sure there are entries where this discovery is made but for the life of me I cannot physically bring the memory up where my crush began. 

Regardless of this memory lapse the moment he became a crush and then a friend and then a friend/crush I was caught up in the infatuation. I thought he was so cool and so funny and so cute. At the time everyone warmed me that he was a jerk but my rose colored glasses were stapled to my head. Obviously there are so many Sean entries to reread that I don't need to replay our relationship ad nauseam in this and plus we all know how it ended. All I can say now is that we formed a relationship that would be become extremely toxic and unhealthy that I had no choice but to cut it off for my own sanity. 

Now that 5 years have passed I can look back on my relationship with Sean and realize it was never a romantic one. I liked him (a lot) and I romanticized the idea of him ( a lot) but we were never romantically involved. There have been many moments post Sean where I wonder what our relationship must have looked like without the filter I placed on it. I wonder if I was this clingy, naïve girl who imagined a relationship with a boy that never had an interest in her. And this isn't to say that I am a unreliable narrative but I did get so caught up in my feelings and lack of experience that I mistook a lot of things with Sean as romance when it was really manipulation (on his part) and eagerness to be loved (on my own). 

He definitely took advantage of my feelings and he liked the attention I gave him but there was never anything genuine about how he felt for me based on how he treated me. Everything Sean did indicated that I was not a person he respected or cared about sincerely. I spent more time trying to convince Sean I was worthy to be in his life that I failed to see how toxic he was for my own. It was embarrassing and degrading now that I can look back on the experience. And honestly this knowledge has made moving on from Sean easier than expected. I think it was soon after he sent me a FB message telling me he was in town (almost 5 years ago to the date) and then ignored me while he was here that sent me over the edge. It always felt like he was dangling this unrealistic possibility in front of me only to pull it back when it was time to show face. 

So I moved on because I wanted to and because I had to. And once I made that decision everything else just fell into place, like Tetris maybe, but in place.  I got a new job and apartment, I got a car, I made new friends, I started to actually date people and have romantic relationships that were not just crushes. The last bit is probably what really confirmed how unreal my relationship with Sean was. Suddenly there was sex and love and desire which adds a whole new component to being with someone. There was learning to communicate my wants and needs as to not be taken advantage of. There was a little bit of heartbreak followed by boozy wine nights recuperating but the realness of it all was such a clear break from whatever it was that I thought I had with Sean. 

And not having Sean in my life has been great! And not in the "new me, who this" way. It feels more like relief that I am no longer lying to myself about how much (or little) he cared for me. So, needless to say when I got this random text a few months ago from a person named "Sean" I initially didn't even register that it was him. It was before the election so I was getting a lot of "are you voting" texts and I just assumed it was someone trying to make sure I was registered. It was only after he responded back "Bookstore Sean, Navy Sean" that I put two and two together and the shock of the situation was overwhelming at best. He then said an introverts dreaded phrase "we need to talk. are you free" 

A part of me wanted to put the chapter so far beyond me and just block his new number but the curious part of me was kind of scared by what he needed to talk about. For some reason I assumed he wanted to chastise me for idolizing a relationship that didn't exist. It was the first thought that flew through my head. I was like "huh, did I say something about Sean and I's relationship 5 years ago that got back to him and now he is pissed!" I still regularly talk to his cousin (a good friend) and there are a handful of people from the bookstore who I remain in contact with. So this wasn't a complete and out of pocket response. Not that I went around telling anyone that me and Sean were together but I definitely had conversations about how fucked up our friendship was and a few choice words about his relationship with his actual GF.

So when he said we needed to talk my immediate thought was "oh noes! He wants to verify my sneaking suspicion that I was wrong" that my version of the truth was so far fetched and nonsensical that now he needed to air his grievances 5 years later. So I called him and trust me I am shaking my head as much as you are at this fact. 5 years later and I picked up the damn phone when I should have hit that block button and kept it moving. I don't think either of us said anything for a solid two minutes. There was this blanket of silence and I thought one of us was having a bad connection. Then we both blurted out hellos just to make sure the other person was on the line. 

Before I could even ask him what was so important that he needed to have this discussion out of the blue he said "I need to apologize to you". My heart stopped. Of all the things I thought he was going to say on the phone, an apology 5 years in the making was not one of them. Right after I cut ties with Sean there were so many nights where I imagined what words I wanted to hear from him to make up for all the things that went wrong. Of course these words involved "i'm sorry", "i fucked up" "i didn't know how to treat you" "you were lovely and amazing and I was the worst". But I never thought I would actually hear it from him. Ever. 

He repeated it again "I owe you an apology" and then proceeded to go into the longest apology I have ever received in my 34 years. He said he was recently home to clear out his old room and found this journal I gifted him before he joined the Navy. I have no recollection of this journal but love notes are my thing so I am not surprised I penned him something. I think I started a journal for him around Christmas with just random entries from good days between us. This is the only thing i can think he stumbled upon at his parents and he said reading it 5 years later made him realize how awful he was. I shit you not. I was kind of perplexed and relieved. Relieved because HOLY SHIT I knew i was a reliable ass narrator despite my exploited feelings for the boy. I knew that I was good to him and kind and loving when I did not have to be. I knew this and he knew this and still proceeded to treat me like garbage. 

He didn't really have an excuse as to why he was so awful and I didn't ask him. He did say being in the Navy, getting married and being far away from friends and family has altered him a lot. That age and maturity has caught up to him and he realizes that he was a dick to a lot of people; not just to me. He did reiterate that he was to blame and at fault for everything and that I was owed an apology even if I did not want to accept it. As I sat there listening to words I was grateful that he apologized but also surprisingly so over that time in my life that hearing the words only provided comfort to the girl I was back then. Up until 20 minutes prior, he was a person I rarely thought about and whose apology I stopped waiting for. In all honesty our friendship meant something at that time in my life and helped me out tremendously when it wasn't completely toxic. But I think we were two people who couldn't find the balance that needed to exist for being actual friends. I liked him way too much but was afraid to admit my feelings and I can't speak for him but I imagine their were complex feelings to contend with. 

He asked me if I wanted to tell him off (which was bizarre) or curse him out for being such a shitty person in the past and I can tell this was what he needed as some form of penance. But I couldn't do it and I told him this. I told him that I was glad he reached out and was grateful for the apology but that I made peace with our relationship years ago by moving on. I told him that there was no need to yell or scream at him because the consequence of his behavior was that we were never going to be friends even with the apology. There was no way I was going to allow him in my life ever again. That he had every opportunity to save our friendship and instead he picked his ego. So there was no need for me to rail on his personality or character and that I think him having to live with the knowledge his actions alone resulted in us never being able to have a friendship was more than often pain. I also told him that the apology was something that would have been monumental years ago but that I am in such a different and better place in my life it just didn't feel necessary (I did also brag a little about the boss ass things that have occurred in my life. but only briefly).

I have always known (secretly) that I was not to blame for Sean. I attracted a person with bad intentions and stuck around because I was convinced my kindness would change him. I was convinced if I loved him harder he would find a way to love me. Of course this did not and does not occur and where Sean felt the need to apologize to me for this I already apologize to myself for putting up with the behavior for so long. 5 years ago I made peace with the person who get swept up into another person so much she forgot who she was and that she deserved so much more. 

I ended the conversation soon after and he said he would leave the line of communication up to me. I told him there was no need for that and that after this call we'd remain on radio silence because while I accept his apology we would never be friends because of who he was. A phone call was not going to undo all the damage his actions caused when he was in my life. And just like that it was over. The call was pleasant, he seemed really sincere but I know this is not a friendship I want to rekindle. So, I blocked his number and am adding "call from Sean" to the 2020 events I did not see coming.  

Futile Devices

I finally told Matt I am not interested in hanging out anymore and as expected he is not taking it well.

For the 4th week in a row he has hounded me about hanging out on the weekends to the point where I finally had to shut down the possibility of us ever doing so in that capacity again. It's so funny that he wants to resume our Sunday hangouts but keeps insinuating that it's just to help me out because I hate Sundays.


I do not dread Sundays. Like any normal person I tend to get the Sunday Blues right before bed because I don't wish to start another work week. But I love my Sundays. We are homies.

Of course this is just another example of Matt not being truthful about his intentions. And i mean this wholeheartedly. I am a person who is ruled by feelings so I understand how objective feelings are. But intentions are more clear cut and Matt has yet to decide what he wants from me.

Instead of saying that he wants to start hanging out again because he misses me or my home or even that he is bored and lonely on Sundays....he has tried to gaslight me into thinking I am the one begging to hang out. As if he is doing me some huge favor by coming over for 12 hours watching my tv and playing my PS4 while i count down the hours until he leaves.

His texts range from "let me know when you want to hang on Sunday so I can help you with your story" to "If we don't hang out soon i'm going to be too busy with my other summer plans" to my favorite "i'm just trying to do you a solid since you don't have as many friends as i do".

 Last Thursday, after i cancelled on him again, he wanted to know if I was available to hang out after work because there were cops in his apartment complex and he thought it would be fun for us to watch from across the street "You could stand by and watch as I interact with the cops. You could be my sidekick. "

LE FUCKING SIGH.

This boy is relentless, bothersome and a tab bit daft. When I told him I was going to spend the Fourth of July with [redacted] and his family he joked that it was probably a Get Out sort of situation and that I was only invited so they could "steal my sweet black genes".  It was this comment alone that cancelled any tentative plans with Matt the following weekend.

The only reason I want to remain on good terms with Matt  is because I know now that there is a mature way to remove yourself from a toxic relationship. In the past I have completely shut down and fled in fear instead of communicating and this has only resulted in bad blood. Because Matt and I have mutual friends in common I don't want to isolate myself from them just because of him. I don't believe Matt is a bad guy, he is just another person who was hurt once or twice and hasn't learned yet that you can grow from those experiences. Instead he is a jaded man child who can often be condescending and demeaning because of his feelings of inadequacy.

I will no longer internalize Matt's attempts to devalue me in order for him to value himself.  I literally heard this gem of advice from Instagram of all places and it just stuck with me. Matt knew he did not deserve my kindness or affection or even love so he went out of his way to dehumanize and devalue me once he recognized he had so little to offer.

I have spent the last few months hanging out with friends, enjoying my personal time and finding comfort in the life I have created for myself. I feel spoiled by all the incredible small moments that have taken place in such a sort time and none of it has been a result of having Matt in my life. So why should I continue to let him hijack a smidgen of my happiness because he won't be honest with his intention. His texts leave me feeling anxious and cranky and the idea of having him in my apartment again fills me with dread.

On Monday he asked again to hang out, this time attributing it to his "super busy schedule". He implied that if I didn't solidify hanging out the next few Sundays, he would be too busy with  awesome summer activities to squeeze me in. I must reiterate that I have not expressed a desire to hang out with Matt since February either in person or via text. I have never gone out of my way to ask him to Netflix and Chill since the disaster that was Valentines Day and after he forgot my birthday. And even prior to those disasters, hanging out on Sunday was an idea HE came up with and that I only agreed to because i thought he liked me.

I was okay before Matt came along and I will be okay long after him. I am beyond annoyed (and a little insulted) that he keeps insinuating that he is doing me some big favor by hanging out. Especially since he is the one that is so eager to come back around. So...I finally told him the truth. Or at least my very nice version of it. I said that I was okay not hanging out anymore. That I am equally busy with summer and [redacted] and that I wanted to devote as much time as I could to my happiness. I wished him a happy summer and that I was appreciated the few times we hung out but am no longer in  position to hang out like we used to.

I could have been nastier. I could have told him that the way he talked down to me was the main reason we will no longer hang out. But i'm really in a great place these days (despite my lapse in anxiety and dread every once in a while..i'm human ya'll) and it's not worth it. Matt's not worth it. Of course he sent me a snarky reply shortly after, followed by your classic guilt trip and then threats to not talk to me anymore. It is what is.

I feel so much lighter and happier now that it's over. I am learning so much about what I want from a partner and also what I have to offer as one that anything less than that seems like a waste of time which is so precious to me. Putting myself first for ONCE is such an eye-opening, humbling and euphoric feeling. I wish i had done it sooner.

The Week Ahead

On top of world falling apart at the seams, Matt is trying to creep back into my life as if he is feeding off my general malaise and despair these days.

A few weeks ago we both attended a mutual birthday for a friend. I was not surprised that Matt was going to be there because this boy will show up to any and all invitations and he is super close to my friend and his wife. Of course,I didn't want Matt's presence at the party to stop me from going. Why should I have to hand over all of my friends because of him. We weren't dating. No one in our small circle even knew we were hanging out so in theory we should be able to be at the same gathering today without any issue.

Should.

I have a longer more detailed entry about that night which I may publish eventually. I feel weird writing when I am so stressed by the world but I will find a balance. I have to. What I will say is that the night was another comedy of errors where Matt was trying to establish a connection again when no one was looking but the moment we were around other people he pretended as if he didn't know me. Classic.

Since then he has been blowing up my phone NONSTOP. It is consistent, annoying texts asking if we can start hanging out on Sunday's again. I do not want to hang out with this boy. Perhaps he realizes how much he misses Sundays at my house. The companionship and the conversation and the free food. Maybe he misses how I helped him with his attempt at writing a series of detective novels. How i gave him pointers and made the story better for him by fleshing his ideas out more.Whatever the case the boy definitely wants back in and is being too aggressive about it.

Matt is completely unable to conceptualize  that something is not the same between us. Even at the party he didn't ask  why i deleted him from FB, instead he asked me if I was taking a break from social media. Instead of wondering why I hadn't texted him back in 6 weeks...he wrote me an email and asked if there was something wrong with my phone. Instead of saying he missed hanging out with me, he said i'd struggle with the Sunday Blues without him and that he would  do me a solid by hanging out with me again on Sunday to help.

In his mind there is nothing he could have done that would cause this huge cosmic shift in our relationship.Absolutely nothing and perhaps I blocked him to see if he would put two and two together.I didn't do it because I wanted him to come groveling back at me. I wanted him to recognize something was wrong, take ownership of it and then make attempts to fix it.  He hasn't. He won't. Though I am a person who love words, I believe actions are stronger. And with Matt his words and his actions are shit.

I've been going over Tim's house every Tuesday for Wine and Pizza. When i get to his house he'll have a blanket on the couch for me ("because your feet get cold") , a bottle of chilled wine waiting for me ("I don't understand why you drink it chilled but i put yours in the fridge they way you like it) and pizza already ordered or in some cases waiting for us when we get to his house. He is perhaps the most considerate man i've ever meet who makes every attempt to make sure you are your most comfortable. And idk, there is just something about a friend who listens and pays attention and then applies that knowledge to good use that is.....necessary for me. 

It is how I express love and affection, so receiving it back for the first time is quite eye opening. Showing someone you care is more important to me than trying to have the right words. Matt has neither. He is full of knowledge but he is not kind or considerate. I should have known this when his words turned against me. When he kept telling me I wasn't good enough or tall enough or Indian enough or sexual enough or aggressive enough. I should have known when he mocked my desire to have kids and a husband and a few pets. But i think i was waiting for his actions to make up for his words and they never did. He forgot my birthday, ditched me on Valentine's Day, disrespected me in my apartment and watched me cry and do nothing.

But now he wants to come back into my life and suck all the energy I have left and I can't allow this to happen. I just can't. I have no interest in hanging out with Matt anymore. Not after everything. And I feel so cold and dismissive saying this but after everything Matt has said and done I shouldn't care what Matt thinks of me. On Friday though, I felt pushed into a corner by him and agreed to hang out so he would stop asking me. I felt worn down by his guilt and pressure.

"My sundays are free again. and you said you weren't doing anything the Sunday after the 4th of July so i don't understand why we can't hang out". So i agreed to and now I have to back out of this ASAP. I am trying to figure out why I attract these men. What vibe I am giving off that makes me so susceptible to these soul sucking men who are wearing me down. I think I am kind and compassionate which is often viewed as a weakness instead of incredible strength.

I plan on texting him today and telling him the truth. That i don't want to hang out next weekend or the weekend after that or the weekends that follow. I want to do it in a way that isn't rude or abrasive but just honest. I'm sure Matt is going to be the right guy for some girl but that girl is not me. I'm sure Matt is a decent friend but he is not one to me. So I have to just lead by both my actions and words this time around and be as up front with him so I don't end up in the same spot we were in a few months ago. Where I give and he takes until there is nothing left.