Round 2.

Mothers day is tomorrow and I have started wrapping the presents. I hate wrapping presents, I'm no expert in how to get rid of the creases in the paper. I feel a little Monk-ish and have spent most of the time frowning at how wrinkly it looks. It will have to do though, I think she will just be happy we(and by we I mean me) got her anything, yet along wrapped it with some weird and tough wrapping paper.

I of course had to make another trip to the bookstore and happen upon very cute Barnes and Nobel Boy.

Did I get a little dressed up? Maybe.

Did I put on my very best but comfortable pants and Ramones t-shirt. Maybe?

I of course wasn't expecting him to be there but I notice his long hair through the window.

I of course have mentioned I know nothing about boys and how to approach them. That weird seduction book is crap too. Now I wasn't trying to learn how to be seductive, but I'm curious by nature I figured "hey I may learn something." I should have noticed that when my mom stopped reading it it was for good reason.

Basically the book is on how to be a whore. Seriously. It should be called "Hoooking 101" because the things they suggest are very..."Forward". First you have to find your seduction style, and then find the target you wish to corrupt. Needless to say I haven't picked it up since Tuesday and am sticking with being a clueless girl.

Once again there was more small chatter. He laughed. I laughed. He has a weird laugh, but I guess in a weird good way. I guess what I have learned from my Art Boy failure(lets admit it, it was pretty much a failure) is that I kind of have to put myself out there, and be noticeable if I wish for him to notice me.

Even if that means carelessly buying things at Barnes and Noble.

I just woke up this morning with a terrifying feeling that maybe this was it. Maybe my best is only what I have done so far. Maybe I will never grow out of being this awkward, sort of lonely, and boyfriendless girl. Maybe the reason I have not progressed and grown as I wished I would have in college is because this is as good as it gets. I have peaked and hit a plateau and this is how life will be.

As I stared pitifully in the mirror I realized that maybe I'm afraid of things changing. Not those things around me I had once dreaded,but maybe the things within myself. I'm so use to hiding behind things that what I may unravel is more crushing than I am ready for. And maybe that's why I assume this is as good as it will get. Perhaps it is easier to wallow in self pity than pull myself up from it's trenches, and dabble in the possibilities of change that lay before me.

I'm just afraid I guess, I've always been the unnoticed girl or at least felt most comfortable blending in. But now I kind of want it, to be noticed, not by everyone but just by the right ones. I want to know that I'm important to people. I'm want to stop being afraid of my possibilities.

that's all for tonight. I can hear one of my cats yelling from the closet she has gotten herself stuck in...Again.

Me to the rescue.