Today i saw a squirrel fighting with a plastic bag.
March has been very hectic, everything seems to be coming down to the wire, and i have realized I'm not nearly as ready for it. I have barely had time to breathe must days. I like the small moments, the moments where i am just sitting somewhere with a book and a good cheese danish. I like watching birds chirp, people converse and being an observer must days. But lately i haven't even been able to enjoy the simple things. I'm functioning at such high rates that i passing them by.
So this morning i was a little perplexed when i saw this squirrel literally trying to pull this plastic bag from the ground. For landscaping purposes this plastic bag was placed specifically in the ground to be left alone. Possible as a marker for a tree they are going to place there. But this little squirrel was determined to yank this bag from the ground. I had to do a double take, and a third take, and fourth take before laughing out at this unusual scene.
It's the first time i have laughed in a few weeks, and i am seriously missing it.
Today is a Cure kind of day. Which usually is not a good sign of the week to come emotionally. There are moments when i wake up and feel this sense of...yearning perhaps. I get them frequently and the more and more to go to therapy the more i am apparent of how lonely things really are. I mean i think apart of me, before venturing on this therapy journey,was a little bit comfortable with the silence and inactivity. I would readily run back to my room to escape people. But having those fears(anxiety) fade away has led me to yearn for social interaction ,and being faced with none is emotionally draining to my heart. Hence Robert Smith rotation on iPod.
I sure don't like EMO but I LOVE the Cure.
Anyway.
It's weird because on these days that i wake up realizing how distant i am from people I hide away from them, even though internally i was just want someone to reach out to me. I'm not a direct person, i don't come out and say "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME", even if it is what i feel. So i just watch from the sidelines feeling a little bitter from where i stand.
But the more i stand here, the more i realize it is my own feet that are keeping me back. I am paralysed in fear, my knees are buckling, and i can not move forward for the life of me.
I'm just a little frustrated with myself, frustrated and a little lonely.
Damn
I'm trying to use this school and my current situation as training wheels for when i enter the real world. Unfortunately i do not remember the moment i stopped using training wheels on my bike as a kid. I remember my first bike, of course it was pink and had purple streamers on the handles, and i thought it was the greatest bike ever. The day i got my training wheels put on was during a neighborhood block party. Our neighborhood had a park right across the street from most of the houses, particularly ours, so on hot summer days people would gather and have cookout's or what not.
I had a bike that had to be put together and this guy in the neighborhood who use to say he was going to cryogenically freeze himself until i reached legal age so he could marry me(this was around the time that Mel Gibson movie Forever Young came out. Everybody was into cryogenics) spent the whole afternoon fixing it for me. I just realized how much of a pedophile he probably was, he always wanted me to sit on his lap, but my cousins wouldn't allow it. EWWW. Anyway, the pedophile totally fixed my bike at the block party that day and from then on i was a mean, lean, bicycling machine.
So this morning i was a little perplexed when i saw this squirrel literally trying to pull this plastic bag from the ground. For landscaping purposes this plastic bag was placed specifically in the ground to be left alone. Possible as a marker for a tree they are going to place there. But this little squirrel was determined to yank this bag from the ground. I had to do a double take, and a third take, and fourth take before laughing out at this unusual scene.
It's the first time i have laughed in a few weeks, and i am seriously missing it.
Today is a Cure kind of day. Which usually is not a good sign of the week to come emotionally. There are moments when i wake up and feel this sense of...yearning perhaps. I get them frequently and the more and more to go to therapy the more i am apparent of how lonely things really are. I mean i think apart of me, before venturing on this therapy journey,was a little bit comfortable with the silence and inactivity. I would readily run back to my room to escape people. But having those fears(anxiety) fade away has led me to yearn for social interaction ,and being faced with none is emotionally draining to my heart. Hence Robert Smith rotation on iPod.
I sure don't like EMO but I LOVE the Cure.
Anyway.
It's weird because on these days that i wake up realizing how distant i am from people I hide away from them, even though internally i was just want someone to reach out to me. I'm not a direct person, i don't come out and say "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME", even if it is what i feel. So i just watch from the sidelines feeling a little bitter from where i stand.
But the more i stand here, the more i realize it is my own feet that are keeping me back. I am paralysed in fear, my knees are buckling, and i can not move forward for the life of me.
I'm just a little frustrated with myself, frustrated and a little lonely.
Damn
I'm trying to use this school and my current situation as training wheels for when i enter the real world. Unfortunately i do not remember the moment i stopped using training wheels on my bike as a kid. I remember my first bike, of course it was pink and had purple streamers on the handles, and i thought it was the greatest bike ever. The day i got my training wheels put on was during a neighborhood block party. Our neighborhood had a park right across the street from most of the houses, particularly ours, so on hot summer days people would gather and have cookout's or what not.
I had a bike that had to be put together and this guy in the neighborhood who use to say he was going to cryogenically freeze himself until i reached legal age so he could marry me(this was around the time that Mel Gibson movie Forever Young came out. Everybody was into cryogenics) spent the whole afternoon fixing it for me. I just realized how much of a pedophile he probably was, he always wanted me to sit on his lap, but my cousins wouldn't allow it. EWWW. Anyway, the pedophile totally fixed my bike at the block party that day and from then on i was a mean, lean, bicycling machine.
I was always steady on the bike which is probably why i don't remember when the training wheels came off. It wasn't such a huge adjustment. But i now realize that i am currently on training wheels and not being use to falling off of my bike i am a little frustrated and afraid of riding this bike without them. I constantly feel like i am falling off, scratching up my knees, scrapping my arms, and banging my helmet to the pavement because i just can't get it right.
But i guess as a kid I wasn't afraid of falling. I was a kid who always got bumps and scraps, and i really didn't worry about falling, because it happens. Which is probably why my transition off the training wheels was an easy. Once you stop worrying about falling you can concentrate on being balanced, on staying upright.
So i have to get use to the falling. And once i get that fear out of the way, i can ride wherever my bike will take me.
But for right now my bike is parked because i have to study for a math test on Wednesday. This school thing never stops.
2 comments:
this blogpost has it all - pedophiles, bicycles, math, the cure, squirrels, cheese danish - damn.
the cure isn't emo. the cure is just the cure, which is to say awesome.
i remember, back in MY day, when we called The Cure "alternative."
(it's true - I started listening to the cure in the seventh grade, which was like 1991 or 1992. right around the onset of grunge).
I want you to want me is a theme of my life. unfortunately, it is also a rockin song by Cheap Trick, so i get confused sometimes.
good luck with the math {shudder}
...thank goodness for the cousins!
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