I am finally back in my dorm after spending 4 days at home. It was pretty hard being home because the more and more i spend time in [College Town] the harder it is to leave it.
I mean i still hate my school. I Have only 1 friend to my name. And am looking so forward to graduation i can barely sleep at night...but i like being on my own. I feel productive here, studying, writing, reading...i feel like i am working towards something instead of resting in limbo.
The only thing we did for the 4th was see Transformers (AMAZING, and now i have to marry Shia LaBeouf. Seriously. Dialogue was kind of cheesy, story line didn't really make sense. But it's TRANSFORMERS what do you expect), and then pretty much after that i watched my brother lounge around the house, and listened to my mother talk about this new diet she is going to start on Friday.
My mom and brother always tease me about being shy. That i don't go out and do things, that my fear of big crowds can be overcome easily. But as i lounge around at home for 4 days, almost crying from boredom i realized that too are lacking in the social interaction department.
There is this uneasy dependence that they find in staying in the house. The house is safe, the house is home... yadda yadda yadda. I mean for the last 21 years i feel like i have been taught that everything outside the house is something to be weary of.
But lately i have been having great anxiety over my future. I feel like i will be alone for the rest of my life unless something changes. I don't even mean in the boyfriend kind of way, i just mean in general...without friends and connections, and without general activities to do with people.
I go to sleep at night with this fear on my mind. The fear being that i will graduate, possibly get into the New School, and be unable to make any connections with people, like i have done here. That i will just have to settle for mediocre friendships because i don't know how to not feel anxious around people.
I'm so sick of wanting someone to be my friend. Of daydreaming of Art Boys and Music Boys. Of being the wantee and not the wanted. I want so badly to be wanted for once. To be accepted and allowed into this thing called a friendship. And spending the last couple of days in our house, away from any contact except Daytime TV, i just finally grew tired of being enclosed.
Sometimes i feel like the boy in the bubble, spending my time looking out at the people and world that i can't grasp. I use to wonder why the boy in the bubble finally decided to risk his life to just be free for a day...but i realize now. That bubble was a f*cking prison, and you'd risk anything to taste freedom, even if for a day.
So I'm glad to be back, still a tad bit anxious because i really want things to get better here. I realized that this is my last year in college. By the end of the summer i will be a Senior and with the way my grades are going for this semester, i will have a pretty solid GPA by Fall. But i don't want to leave my undergraduate life with bad memories of broken friendships, crushes, Waldo, and the whole roommate fiasco.
I have one year left to prove to myself that i can enjoy this college life. One year, before i am thrust into "real world". We'll see what happens.
2 comments:
you can do it!
baby steps, baby steps. think: what about bob.
people will be your friend. they aren't as unfriendly as they sometimes seem.
and you have so much awesomeness: you need to stop keeping it all to yourself!!!
You've done the hard part - you've identified the problem. You can do it... just be patient.
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