Why is this so Hard.

On this blog i feel confidant talking about anxiety.

It's much easier talking about personal things knowing i won't bump into any of the people reading this blog in a coffee shop(though i would like to one day).

The truth is being behind the veil of the Internet allows me to write freely about my thoughts, because in my real life...well i am a little more reserved.

This is the only place i feel open enough to talk about the things bothering me in my everyday world. It's like a safety place where i can get whatever is in my head into sometimes intelligible words.

Sometimes i am surprised by how candid i have been (and of course will contine to be) about my struggles with anxiety. Being able to write it down makes it easier to cope with it, and the amount of feedback i have gotten in the past 2 or so years (has it really been that long) has helped me immensley in not feeling so shitty about life.

However this noncreative fiction class with Mr. McDreamy is proving a little more difficult then i thought...which is surprising because the class is about writing personal narratives, something i am good at. I assumed I had that in the bag since technically it is what i have been doing on this blog.

On wednesday we are suppose to turn in the introductions of our personal essays. With the suggestion from Kbryna i decided that my personal essay is going to be about my struggles with anxiety as a college student.

Mr. McDreamy has made us read several personal narratives since school started and most of them seemed to be about the same thing; Cancer, other terminal illnesses, life changing journeys, investigative reports...things like that.

Some of the kids in my class have already discussed what they are going to write about: Pregnancy, a camping trip, and yadda.

Unfortunately i have been unable in the last few days to put down anything about anxiety into words. I must admit i feel a litte anxious (go figure) about articulating how it has felt these past couple of years with my social anxiety. I feel a little self conscious also about revealing aspects of myself to my professor and peers.

I admit i am guarded to a fault and it has unfortunately prevented me from getting close to people in the past. My therapist always said she couldn't imagine me being an anxious person outside of our sessions. And she was right, i mean in there (just like on this blog) i was candid and open and...Me.

But it was because i knew in the saftey of her office i wasn't going to be judge. The fear of judgement paralysing me, i hate have to defend myslef and in the past i felt like i had to do that alot.

What i have learned in the past year is that a part of getting close to people or resolving issues is putting myself out there. It's about not having my guard up so much and just being who i am.

I guess this paper has been so hard because it's much easier talking about a camping trip gone wrong then facing and revealing the problems that plague you. But I think writing this paper will do some good and putting it out there for my peers and professor will help me more than i'll ever realize.

Time to get started and to get past the wall that is preventing me from finishing this thing.

Damn Anxiety.