Running on Empty.

Only 2 more days until Fall Break... i don't know if i can wait that long.

In the last couple of days i have become extremely stressed. Mr. McContinuesToSuckAtLife is assigning way too much work for a class that simply does not require it. Personal Essay, Interview someone to write a personal essay on, a presentation, a two week experiment to write about, and then revising all of this shit.

Now is making us have a one on one with him so we can discuss our progress and concerns in his class and i must admit i am going to mention that he has assigned a lot, especially since this isn't my only class or cause of stress.

Cranking out a short story is harder than i thought. I have to complete two for my creative writing class and to kill two birds with one stone ( i hate that phrase cause i really like birds) i am going to use one of those short stories for my writing portfolio for grad school.

All i have is a few scribbled thoughts on character, plot and setting but no idea where i am going with it. 20 pages seems like the longest thing in the whole entire world, and yet it holds sort of my future in it's formation.

Despite the stress i still managed some how to procrastinate this whole weekend thanks to Justin Timberlake and a stroll in the park. I do work better under pressure but this pressure is a little overwhelming and i am looking for a little relief in the days to come.

I am sure all this stressful mess will come out in therapy tomorrow. Therapy is going well, i know i haven't talked about it a lot but it's mainly cause i have so much i want to say about it, but not enough time to do so.

We don't really talk about anxiety anymore, but more of my relationships with people. I'm having a hard time connecting cause i always feel...distant. I am still in my thoughts entirely too much, daydreaming about everything and afraid to come out of my shell or let someone else in.

Tobey "NotSoMcGuire" has a different approach to therapy than Casey. He is more "get out there, try it and if it doesn't work...get out there and try it again. No big deal". I thought i would hate this approach the whole "if you fall off a horse get back up on it and try it again" but he's so nice about it when he says it that i totally believe him.

I told him about feeling to "mature" to hang out with people my age. That despite being goofy and silly, i always get this label of "wise" because i happen to read and write a lot. It's like the moment you walk in a room with a book in your hand people assume you quote Wordsworth in your free time.

He asked that if i felt more comfortable around with people older tham me, why i never made an attempt to make friends with them. As i was sitting there, feet folded in a nice leather chair i was wondering the same thing. Why don't i just hang out with who i am comfortable with and if they are older than me...so what. Right? He asks the simplest questions but of course they are ones i never think about. So i think he's helping me get out of my shell or at least teaching me how to to.

In an attempt to make try this mingling thing, I started a conversation with someone in my class on Thursday, and i think I semi flirted with the South African boy i use to work with (he only worked there for a couple of months before getting a position as a professor for a Computer Science class on campus. He's cute and he's smart).

I know my amazing group of friends is out there somewhere, hiding perhaps in a very cute coffee shop with one seat open just for me. I imagine my great group of friends will be a good mix of silly and intelligence. Nerdy but Cool. Book Smart but with knowledge on Popular Culture. And having some interest in Curb Your Enthusiasm wouldn't hurt either.


Until then though i have to play the friend field, and so far it's not as easy as i thought.