One time when i was in Philadelphia i was walking down the street enjoying the nice weather when i passed this older gentlemen. I shot him a smile and instead of giving me the "what the hell are you looking at" stare he smiled back and said "you look just like a baby doll".
Unfortunately that wasn't the first time I've heard that. I have be called "cute" and "adorable" so many times i'm going to start charging people. At 22, you don't particulary want to be considered "cute". Save that for a kitten. And i don't say this in jest. Whenever i am brave enough to post baby pics you'll see what I'm talking about. Once you look past the crazy unruly hair, all you see is me with a baby doll face and a huge grin. I was always small for my age (short women, tall men in my family) and all my features are proportionate to my frame. Small nose, almond shaped eyes, and a pouty mouth.
To the naked eye i am the perfect person to take advantage of, "cute"=naive=unassuming=and adorable, which is probably why i have put up a tough exterior. I know people will mistake my appearance for meekness and before they can do that i turn my pouty mouth into a scowl and shot daggers from my almond shaped eyes.
But I might have taken this tough exterior thing a little far. Yes i am very guarded, yes i am sometimes a hard ass towards the guys that i like, but it's all for protection against....being taken advantage of.
I trust women right of the back (which necessarily isn't a good thing). I am open and friendly, funny and smart. I don't feel uneasy around women, and don't feel the need to protect myself. I don't have to many male figures in my life, which is probably the cause for my unease around them. I am guarded around guys, and retreat into a very safe shell. I am not cold to all guys of course, but just to some (the ones i have a crush on and teachers for some reason). And i think it has a lot to do with my own sort of ...issues. I'm at a loss for this one, i must say. I don't know how to make the unease go away yet, but i am trying one day at a time.
My mom jokes around with me, about my cold shoulder to men. She calls me "the intimidator", because i have given my male teachers a hard time in the past. I get the cute thing all the time, i get the "you need to be taken care of" thing more than i can count. I get the "let me do it for you sweetie". And though sometimes it's nice, it's a little bit too much for me. I don't like being perceived as baby doll. I don't want to be slung over any one's shoulder and carried away to some cave. So i put up a shield, even if it isn't necessary. I'm just guarded. I really don't mean too. But once again...I'm working on it.
I've have mentioned MrMc.Not-So-Bad-Of-A--Guy-But-Questionable-As-A-Professor many times. I admit i was a hard ass in his class because a) he really was boring and b) because he tore my work up like the rent was due. It also didn't help that i thought he was hot shit before i signed up for his class. Setting my crush aside for the semester, i tried with all my might not to be an intimidator, but that didn't work out so well. Even after the really cool conversation we had about my short story, i still went to his class every day with a scowl. I still felt like he was a douche bag for tearing my paper apart, and i still thought he was boring as hell.
But I'm not in his class anymore. He's not my professor anymore, and so my wall has come down, and when i see him on the street i actually have a desire to say stuff to him. I have all these writing questions, and a general interest in his work. I have seen him several times in the last couple of months, walking down the street or in passing in a hallway. He usually gets out of from me real quickly so that i can't even say hi. At at first thought was just some fluke, maybe he didn't see him.
But after today, i think i really do scare the shit out of him.
Me and Julia (another co-worker) where taking a long break in front of an aisle. She talks a lot, and for some reason i actually don't mind. She's really bubbly and animated, and when you're shelving books all day hearing an excited voice is what you need.
We were talking about school, post grad concerns, loans, and D&G bags, when i noticed some disheveled dude walking past the elevators. It didn't take too long to see that it was MrMc.ExDreamy and i silently cursed under my breath. In a scene from "You are being so obvious" he nonchalantly walked to the re-shelving area in the library (which is where the books that need to be shelved live until we get to them. We have a re-shelving area on every floor). Because it's been a slow couple of weeks, few books are on the re-shelving area which mean we do less shelving them usual. Now unless he was looking for books on American currency (the only 2 books on the re-shelving area where he was standing ) he was obviously eavesdropping. Which i didn't particularly didn't mind.
I don't know how long he was standing there, "glancing" at the books, but after a while i saw him pass the elevators again in front of where Julia and I were sitting on the floor. As he passed, he looked over at us. Clearly there was eye contact. Clearly he saw me there sitting, and i figured "this is my chance to say hi".
So i waved at him and smiled. I don't know if you've ever seen the 2nd Addams family movie where Wednesday and Pugsley go to summer camp but there is this moment where Wednesday smiles, with the encouragement from her camp counselor. As soon as she manages to lift the corners of her mouth into a smile the camp goers gasp in horror. When i waved at him, it was sort of like that. He seemed frightened and then disappeared quickly behind some aisles. I was kind of in shock, I've never seen so much fear in one man.
And this was not just some trick of the eye. Julia turned to see who i was waving too and then gave me a look that read "do you know that guy cause he totally just ignored you".
Jesus. I didn't know i intimidated guys that bad. For such a "baby doll" appearance i sure do put fear in dudes.
What a hot weirdo that MrMc. Exdreamy is. Or maybe it's just me.
Unfortunately that wasn't the first time I've heard that. I have be called "cute" and "adorable" so many times i'm going to start charging people. At 22, you don't particulary want to be considered "cute". Save that for a kitten. And i don't say this in jest. Whenever i am brave enough to post baby pics you'll see what I'm talking about. Once you look past the crazy unruly hair, all you see is me with a baby doll face and a huge grin. I was always small for my age (short women, tall men in my family) and all my features are proportionate to my frame. Small nose, almond shaped eyes, and a pouty mouth.
To the naked eye i am the perfect person to take advantage of, "cute"=naive=unassuming=and adorable, which is probably why i have put up a tough exterior. I know people will mistake my appearance for meekness and before they can do that i turn my pouty mouth into a scowl and shot daggers from my almond shaped eyes.
But I might have taken this tough exterior thing a little far. Yes i am very guarded, yes i am sometimes a hard ass towards the guys that i like, but it's all for protection against....being taken advantage of.
I trust women right of the back (which necessarily isn't a good thing). I am open and friendly, funny and smart. I don't feel uneasy around women, and don't feel the need to protect myself. I don't have to many male figures in my life, which is probably the cause for my unease around them. I am guarded around guys, and retreat into a very safe shell. I am not cold to all guys of course, but just to some (the ones i have a crush on and teachers for some reason). And i think it has a lot to do with my own sort of ...issues. I'm at a loss for this one, i must say. I don't know how to make the unease go away yet, but i am trying one day at a time.
My mom jokes around with me, about my cold shoulder to men. She calls me "the intimidator", because i have given my male teachers a hard time in the past. I get the cute thing all the time, i get the "you need to be taken care of" thing more than i can count. I get the "let me do it for you sweetie". And though sometimes it's nice, it's a little bit too much for me. I don't like being perceived as baby doll. I don't want to be slung over any one's shoulder and carried away to some cave. So i put up a shield, even if it isn't necessary. I'm just guarded. I really don't mean too. But once again...I'm working on it.
I've have mentioned MrMc.Not-So-Bad-Of-A--Guy-But-Questionable-As-A-Professor many times. I admit i was a hard ass in his class because a) he really was boring and b) because he tore my work up like the rent was due. It also didn't help that i thought he was hot shit before i signed up for his class. Setting my crush aside for the semester, i tried with all my might not to be an intimidator, but that didn't work out so well. Even after the really cool conversation we had about my short story, i still went to his class every day with a scowl. I still felt like he was a douche bag for tearing my paper apart, and i still thought he was boring as hell.
But I'm not in his class anymore. He's not my professor anymore, and so my wall has come down, and when i see him on the street i actually have a desire to say stuff to him. I have all these writing questions, and a general interest in his work. I have seen him several times in the last couple of months, walking down the street or in passing in a hallway. He usually gets out of from me real quickly so that i can't even say hi. At at first thought was just some fluke, maybe he didn't see him.
But after today, i think i really do scare the shit out of him.
Me and Julia (another co-worker) where taking a long break in front of an aisle. She talks a lot, and for some reason i actually don't mind. She's really bubbly and animated, and when you're shelving books all day hearing an excited voice is what you need.
We were talking about school, post grad concerns, loans, and D&G bags, when i noticed some disheveled dude walking past the elevators. It didn't take too long to see that it was MrMc.ExDreamy and i silently cursed under my breath. In a scene from "You are being so obvious" he nonchalantly walked to the re-shelving area in the library (which is where the books that need to be shelved live until we get to them. We have a re-shelving area on every floor). Because it's been a slow couple of weeks, few books are on the re-shelving area which mean we do less shelving them usual. Now unless he was looking for books on American currency (the only 2 books on the re-shelving area where he was standing ) he was obviously eavesdropping. Which i didn't particularly didn't mind.
I don't know how long he was standing there, "glancing" at the books, but after a while i saw him pass the elevators again in front of where Julia and I were sitting on the floor. As he passed, he looked over at us. Clearly there was eye contact. Clearly he saw me there sitting, and i figured "this is my chance to say hi".
So i waved at him and smiled. I don't know if you've ever seen the 2nd Addams family movie where Wednesday and Pugsley go to summer camp but there is this moment where Wednesday smiles, with the encouragement from her camp counselor. As soon as she manages to lift the corners of her mouth into a smile the camp goers gasp in horror. When i waved at him, it was sort of like that. He seemed frightened and then disappeared quickly behind some aisles. I was kind of in shock, I've never seen so much fear in one man.
And this was not just some trick of the eye. Julia turned to see who i was waving too and then gave me a look that read "do you know that guy cause he totally just ignored you".
Jesus. I didn't know i intimidated guys that bad. For such a "baby doll" appearance i sure do put fear in dudes.
What a hot weirdo that MrMc. Exdreamy is. Or maybe it's just me.
1 comment:
you know, you may be reading this all wrong. maybe Mr McExDreamy has a lil crush on you (a totally inappropriate, but possible, crush). and then you caught him lurking around you. thus the bolt.
it's a possibility, doll ;)
and from the pudgy aging side of 22, i must say: seriously, being called "cute" is the least of your worries. i also got a lot of the "cute" thing, back in the day, because I *still* look like i'm 16 years old or something; the young face is somehow an invitation for dudes to be patronizing. but i'd really much rather have patronizing cute, than totally ignored.
not to be all Dr Drew on Loveline, but were you ever Abused By a Dude as a kid???? because your guy-averseness has some of that aspect to it.
embrace the cuteness. work it. your image on the internets, audrey tatou, is cute.
and all those dudes calling you sweetie and pissing you off? they're FLIRTING.
flirt back, a little.
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