So this was my last full weekend home. I am more bummed out than I thought I would have been a couple of months ago. Trust me, I am excited to get back to my 'life'. I know that I need to be in New York to start and then complete this internship, so I can finally get a promising job, and then maybe get published. My mind knows this, my body even knows this..but this has not prevented the build up of anxiety arising in my stomach.
Last night I couldn't sleep and after 23 years of semi-insomnia, I know what a sleepless night means. I don't really understand why things like this make me nervous, I mean worse than nervous, anxious. I had a horrible dream that I returned to NY and everything had changed. No one remembered who I was, in fact no one cared who I was because in the span of 6 weeks so much had changed. In my dream, I walked into my bookstore job and everyone kept asking me why I was there. There were also a slew of new faces, all tall and intimidating people who replaced the ones I am familiar with.
I walked around the store for a while, but I was becoming invisible to everyone (it seemed). No one saw me or cared that I was there. I then go into the break room to see if I am even on the schedule and my name is there along with 7 names I am unfamiliar with. The schedule is barely one at all, there are no hours and no shifts, just a dumb list with ridiculous times written down. The only person who knows who I am is this guy named Brian, who I never really talked to him because everyone has a massive crush on him at work. He has striking red hair which is always pulled back into a low ponytail, and his face is unusually handsome. He looks different in my dream though, for some reason his red hair has streaks of grey in it, and he is looking ultra shaggy. When he passes me he mentions something about my return but then walks out. I then spend the rest of the dream walking around with my suitcase.
That's my kind of nightmare. The dream is not just about my bookstore job though, I am nervous in general. Severely anxious about the future. It is during these moments where i wish I was going to grad school, just 2 hours away, around a corner and down a hill. In a way I am half-heartily been playing out scenario number 1 with this little vacation. I mean up until I received the rejection letter I was 75% sure I was going to be attending school in the fall. I was to come home in June, enjoy my summer with my family, and then embark on my schools writing program. I have done 2 out of the three things in the last 6 weeks, and instead of being a train headed to New York this Saturday I am getting glimpse of myself in a car heading to school. And maybe my anxiety stems from these two alternating paths.
I like living near my mom, I hate that we went 7 months without seeing each other. I like my bed, and my room, and the desk I painted last summer. But then I like my independence, I like living near a city, I love the experience I am gaining, and the steps that are leading me closer to the life I want. I love too many things and I hate having to sacrifice one for the other even though it what one has to do. Becoming an adult sucks hard core.
In less than a week I will be on a train bound for Penn Station. It's funny, at the beginning of this 6 week stay the days use to drag by. But the closer it gets to Saturday the faster the days seem to go, and of course I am trying with all my might to hang on to the minutes before they are completely gone.
I don't know when (or if) this growing older thing becomes easier. So far, it's a painful transition from the safety of my youth to the uncertainty of adulthood.
2 comments:
I dreamed that I had to take a calculus test I was unprepared for, and I was mad at my tutor for doing lines of coke and drawing pictures on the equations when he should have been teaching me. I'm almost 30 and still have high school nightmares. :)
My point is that growing up often sucks, and the transition from youth to adulthood never really reaches a point of completion. There are good things along the way, though, like your own space, and quiet nights to yourself, and, I don't know, the feeling of buying groceries and going home and cooking a meal just for you. Good stuff. And don't forget that you never have to completely "grow up." It's a back-and-forth, not an end. And that's okay. :)
i second Perpetua.
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